Uncertainty

It’s been a while since I posted, mainly because I haven’t known how to make sense of my thoughts.  More change on every front and it is exhausting.

Grace had a virus last week and when I took her to the doctor they found an irregular heart beat.  The cardiologist who saw her test results wants her to come in for more testing which will take place this friday. My family has a history of heart problems, heredity or otherwise, and this is the scariest, most sensitive nerve for me. How could something be wrong with my perfect angel?  Why does the universe keep picking on us? Haven’t we been through enough? I know everyone says that these things do not happen as a form of punishment but it sure feels like it because every time I get on my feet and start to feel comfortable, a wave hits and I’m drowning again.

Coupled with the anxiety of Grace’s impending heart diagnosis, everything in my formerly-amazing work environment is changing. People are leaving right and left. The company is reorganizing (yet again).  Coming to work used to be a safe haven, surrounded by people I cared about and who cared about me. Now the office is slowly emptying out and each day I walk in, it is wrought with anxiety and uncertainty from those who are still here.

And now I’m just exhausted. I’m tired. I need a break.  I felt like this a few months back and here it is again. The wave hits and I’m gasping for air.  A bit of a kitcshy end to this post, but nonetheless true: you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.

I’ve posted many great things that have happened throughout the course of this transformation to Wonder Woman and frequently try to end on a positive note.  But this time, it is all so uncertain. And uncertain translates within me as scary. As much as I keep telling myself I can get through anything...and that everything does work out...it’s just scary right now.