Nightmares

I started this blog for two reasons: 1) to share my experiences with others who may be able to relater. 2) to share my antics with my friends in one forum rather than having to rewrite my quips in various emails!  While #2 is being achieved, I realized I’ve strayed from my first purpose.  I haven’t been totally honest with myself, nor my readers.

I am so focused on trying to move on with my life and set aside any residual pain that I think it is catching up with me. I’ve had consistent nightmares over the last two weeks. All night long, different dreams, all equally as anxiety-ridden and fear-inducing.  

A friend suggested that perhaps I am suppressing things that are really bothering me. And I thought - moi? The most self aware person ever? Suppressing? No way!  But the truth is, I’ve been holding in so much guilt.

Guilt that I’m going to lose my job because I don’t have enough to do. Guilt over my poor judgement with guys at the shore this summer. Guilt over not being stronger. Guilt over still crying from the pain that continues to linger. Guilt of not being a good enough friend to those I love because I’m so wrapped up in trying to keep up with life up. Guilt that I’m not the mother I wanted to be to Stella, that I should teach her more, discipline her more, cook for her more, etc etc.  I didn’t realize I was carrying all of this around until I was struck down with the stomach flu and someone asked how I was doing and it all came pouring out.

I try to wrap up each post with a lesson learned, another step toward becoming Wonder Woman.  In this case, the lesson is that I need to take a good listen to the stories I’m telling myself and start adjusting.  I feel like I’m falling short in so many ways so often that I don’t stop to recognize what I’m achieving on a daily basis.

I learned this week that if you are looking for a miracle in a specific shape and form (such a bread coming from the sky), you are going to go hungry for a long time. But if you open your mind and your eyes to the miracles that already exist in your life, you will see them around you in abundance.

It’s time I rewrite the soundtrack in my head and start telling myself about all of the good.