Hope, Health and Happiness

I don’t get too much in depth on this topic on the blog because it is difficult to talk about, but I do use control weight as a way to feel I have control over the tiny slice of life that I just might be controllable.  It gets worse with my anxiety and it eases up as I relax.  

Recently (since April), I’ve gained 8 or 9 pounds. It is really uncomfortable. When I think about it, I cringe and and tense up, snapping at anyone who suggests “it’s fine, you were thin to begin with”.

I wonder if anyone will like me at the new weight. I wonder if I need to change my match.com pictures so the old ones aren’t misleading (though my theory is that if the outfit still fits, then the picture is legit!)

This week, the Counselor congratulated me on tolerating the weight gain. “Tolerating” is a good word for it. I am not embracing it. In fact, I’m not happy about it at all, but I’m not going into full blown restricting mode, so therefore I’m tolerating it.

Here is the good part: I switched up my normally carb/sugar heavy diet (i.e. I usually eat like a 5 year old without a parent) and added much more protein, fruits and some veggies (which is a significant increase over no veggies!). Since doing this I have more energy. It is easier to keep a positive perspective on things. I don’t get exhausted quite as easily. And that is my ultimate goal for this year (which I didn’t know at first, but has become abundantly clear): build up my reserves so I’m not constantly running on empty.  

Previously I was running on empty after expending the smallest amount of energy on dealing with an event. Now I’m building my reserves - surrounding myself with energizing people, doing things that I want to do, eating healthy, and exercising regularly.

So I’m tolerating the weight gain for the greater good of hope, health and happiness.  (I need to remember to re-read this blog post daily as I cringe each morning and need to reassure myself this is for the best.)