"How do you feel?"

Little Buddha asked me how I feel about Chap. Not how he feels and what he is thinking, as much of our conversations have been focused on, but how I feel.  How does she always know the exact right question to ask? Aside from being swept up, when I really stop to take stock in how I feel, I really REALLY anxious. All of the time. It is hard to focus and nearly impossible to be present anywhere. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for him to disappear. Bracing myself for the fallout and telling myself it will be fine, no matter what happens.  Because nothing good seems to stick for me. Is that true or is that just my fear talking?  Perhaps that’s why Buddhist practice non-attachment..

I'm constantly wondering if he is thinking of me, what he is thinking of me, if I think more of him than he does me, etc.  I am literally so consumed by fear that this is not real or that maybe this really is real - that it is taking up all of the space where joy should be.

Don't get me wrong, when we are talking, I'm happy as a clam. But what does that matter if I'm on edge the rest of the time, if I let that seep into my every day life with Grace and with my friends, unable to be present with them.

What is wrong with me?? Why can't I get it through my thick skull that what he is or is not thinking is irrelevant because the only truth is that I am enough. It is the only true thing and the only thing that matters.  Why doesn't that release me from the throws of the anxiety of uncertainty?

I still feel like I reach out to him too much, keep checking to see if he's there. I've done a fairly good job of not controlling, not trying to manipulate it, more just a gentle nudge of "still there?" "ok".  "Still there now?" "ok".

What is your advice for this? I feel weak. I thought I was supposed to be strong and stay grounded in who I am, and I feel like I am failing at doing that.

“I'm all over the place, up and down, scattered, withdrawing, trying to find some elusive sense of serenity. The world can't give that serenity. The world can't give us peace. We can only find it in our hearts. I hate that. I know. But the good news is that by the same token, the world can't take it away.” ― Anne Lamott