“I Was Trying To Feel Some Kind of a Good-Bye.”

Great quote from Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project blog today.  I find such comfort in this quote because I like to say goodbye or I do feel worse!  The times I haven’t said goodbye, the person or situation has haunted my dreams for months and in a few rare cases, years to come. And when I finally did say goodbye, it was literally finding peace.

The Runner did reply to my email saying goodbye. And he said the things I’ve been hoping he would say all along - acknowledging the situation, acknowledging he cared.  I didn’t want to say nor hear that it should be revisited, I just wanted to say and hear goodbye.

“What I was really hanging around for, I was trying to feel some kind of a good-by. I mean I’ve left schools and places I didn’t even know I was leaving them. I hate that. I don’t care if it’s a sad good-by or a bad good-by, but when I leave a place I like to know I’m leaving it. If you don’t, you feel even worse.”

– J. D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

Shame Spiral

I laid down on the couch, curled up in a ball, crying. We all know the position, though no one wants to talk about it nor frequent it. I know I still need bubble wrap around me. I can’t sustain being bumped around, it knocks me down too easily. I got knocked down again, right back into the Shame Spiral (we all know that one well too, it is usually what lands on the couch, curled up in a ball!). And because my energy meter is still scraping the bottom, I went down quickly and am rapidly tapping that freaking A button to drag myself up again (see January 28th post about Mike Tyson’s punch out). I’ve had a brief, meaningless email conversation exchange with The Runner. When we dated, I felt hope for the first time in 2 years and although I let go of him as a person, knowing he was not a fit for me, I was clinging to that hope that there might be a fit, knowing that if I let go, I would once again feel hopeless. I sent a closing email to him yesterday gracefully ending the conversation and suggesting it may be time to let go & that being friends is probably just a silly idea made up for movies. I cut the final thread and as I waited for him to write back I remembered that I asked him not to! I proactively bubble wrapped myself - great, I am not giving this situation one once more of my energy!! But letting go of that hope was/is really sad. The Teacher has barely communicated since our last conversation which I thought went to well. It sucks when you start to open up and let someone get to know you, only for them to turn around and walk away. Then I went to the jewelry store to sell back my engagement and wedding bands. As the jewelry took my rings to examine then, he sat me down in front of the engagement ring cases to wait. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Talk about salt in the wounds. He couldn’t put 2 and 2 together - I’m selling BACK my engagement and wedding ring. I stared at the floor in shame. I was here because of a failed marriage. I’m the loser whose husband cheated on her and now I have to give back the most gorgeous symbol of my commitment and love to a fake failed marriage. It was gut wrenching sitting there. And then I had a moment of clarity...a woman came in with a baby strapped to her front and a 5 year old in tow. The 5 year old said “Mommy, why do you NEED to buy diamond earrings” and the mother replied “because I work hard”. Perhaps I was there to sell back these rings because I was really great in my marriage, unfortunately I married a dud. Now I am selling these sentimentally worthless rings so I can turn their value into something that will benefit Grace & I - a proverbial cash bonus for my hardwork in my marriage to a dud. Lastly, I had a professional disappointment this morning and received this “you are really great” talk, but obviously I was not great enough. It felt like the “it’s me not you talk”! I won’t get into details but you know the drill. Hello Shame Spiral!! You are pulling me down fast: You are great, but not great ENOUGH. I’m trying to repeat that this is about fit, not about worth. You are good enough just by being a puzzle piece. But by definition, every puzzle piece is unique and only fits one place in the big picture. It’s not easy to find where your piece fits. However, the consequence of trying to find the fit is it is draining the little life left on my energy meter and knocking me down into the goodl ol’ shame spiral quicker than I would like. I’ll spend the weekend tapping the A button, trying to stand back up again.

Credentials don't count!

I’ve been emailing long, witty emails with A Teacher for the last 2 ½ weeks Finally we crossed the boundary and moved to a phone call.  For the first 2 days, we talked excited for over an hour on the phone until the hour was late and it was time to pass out.  However, I found that I stayed true to my nervous banter which I don’t think is nearly as witty nor endearing as my emails.  After not hearing from him all day yesterday, I started beating myself up for being too brash, too opinionated, too everything! Until it was pointed out that those things rephrased as being honest and genuine. And in being so with someone else, if they don’t respond by meeting you half way, then they aren’t worth the time & energy going forward. I love this quote:

“The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool” - Almost Famous (c/o Brene Brown)

I did finally exchange 2 texts with The Teacher right before bedtime last night when he basically said he had a bad day, he was exhausted, and packing for last minute trip to the Superbowl (long story).  I wrote a positive, if not downright cute text back, and received no response (likely because he was asleep before I sent my reply). Nonetheless, a good friend pointed out that we’ve been judging people based on their credentials - i.e. he looks great on paper!  But what really counts is actions. So going forward, I’m attempting to take the tactic of actions matter, not words & definitely not credentials. There are many “impressive people” but I’m looking for the one who can BE that person, not just say they are.

Tapping the A button to become Radioactive

I wish I had a nugget of wisdom to impart today but my time has been spent focusing on....well me!  If you ever played Mike Tyson’s punch out as a kid, you will remember that when you are knocked down, you have to repeatedly hit the controller buttons at a rapid rate to give your guy enough energy to stand up again. It was tedious and nervewracking to continually tap that button and watch the energy meter barely come up above zero.  The same is true for real life!  After being so depleted for so long, I’ve spent all of January focused on replenishing.  Many fun days and nights filled with friends and family.  I’ve been emailing with a few seemingly nice guys but nothing has materialized and I’m good with that for now.

In the spirit of sharing things that you find awesome (and please feel free to share back!), this song is perfect for right now - Imagine Dragons, "Radioactive":

 

I'm gonna glow

“We all have it. It is a matter of getting out of our own way and letting the light through.” - a wise brother
 
I’m on to something. I can feel the glow coming.  The feeling that manifests itself as an actual glow around you when you are living Wholeheartedly, knowing you are ok.  I’m gonna glow. (I may need to re-read this blog post many times to remind myself).

Mind the Gap

I loved this quote from Daring Greatly so I ordered the print below for my home.

"'Mind the Gap'...reminds us to pay attention to the space between where we are standing and where we want to go."

The fine art of resilience

This week has been very productive in gaining perspective. Prospective over feelings and thoughts and recognizing their source and importance...or lack there of!  However, I am STILL waking up with mini panic attacks each morning.

I saw the ever-wise therapist this morning and she suggested that what I have been describing is akin to PTSD and that it fits with the circumstance that everything was taken away so quickly, with no notice. That it literally traumatized me.  She asked if I have flashbacks, moments where the emotion comes back full force. I replied yes, particularly in my house because that is where most of it unfolded. She recommended painting or making some cosmetic changes so the new memories will slowly unseat the old ones....at least until I am ready to sell the place and move.

I told her that I’m tired of speaking of myself as the victim.  As I relate parts of my story to others, I feel that I am always saying ‘poor me’, instead of ‘go me!’.  It still feels like a crime has been perpetrated against me, that someone lied and cheated and stole my life.  The wise doctor said that if I googled a checklist on how to be resilient, I would see I’ve done everything on it. I’ve done the most anyone can do each step of the way and have been resilient. I am a survivor, not a victim.  But I’m not quite to where it all clicks - where I can own it. I’m still a step away, I still find everything to be tenuous, uncertain. I’m panicking each morning, anxious that it will all be taken away that day and I will finally break.  

Acceptance of the uncertainty of life is the end goal for most Eastern philosophies.  But wow does the mind fight against it, looking to control whatever can prevent any possible pain. Knowing that in this moment, I am too raw. Too empty. And my life needs to be bubble wrapped, just for a little while so I can heal and refuel.

“I used to have a sign pinned up on my wall that read: 'Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”
― Pema Chödrön

Champion of the Smithsonian

Earlier this week I was in Washington, DC for an annual work event.  We had a large team dinner at the Smithsonian Museum of American History where they divided all of the attendees into 33 teams of 10 or so people for a scavenger hunt.

Most self-respecting adults respond to a scavenger hunt with an eye-roll. Aren’t we too old for this? In a history museum, nonetheless?  I pretended to eye roll too, making the appropriate comments about it being a long day, let’s just get this over with. Secretly inside, I was barely restraining myself from high fiving my new team and shouting “let’s f this sh*t up!”.  I subtly checked out the competition, who looked unfocused and weak in comparison. I had to decide for myself if this was going to be for fun or this was going to be to win.  

So as not to seem completely psycho to my newly met colleagues, I pretended it was for fun while quickly organizing us into the secretary, navigator and researchers, positioning us as a top competitor for a big win.  I even orchestrated finding clues in “innovative ways” (read: Google on the smart phone) to skip parts of the museum that were further away so our search was streamlined to pick up answers as quickly as possible.

While I’d like to take all of the credit for being slyly competitive, I suspect there were a few others on the team who were taking this hunt more seriously than meets the eye. We quickly completed our answers, took a team picture and returned the Official Form to the hunt administrators long before any other team arrived back.  After congratulating ourselves for the next hour on our cunning and speed while the other laggard teams slowly made their way back, the winners were finally announced...

Starting with the 2nd runner up (not us). Whew.  Oh wait, don’t look relieved, this is just for fun.  1st runner up (not us). Whew.  Oh wait, still don’t look relieved, it’s just a good time.  And the winner is....team 24!  My team!  I had to fight my better instincts of jumping up and thrusting my fist into the air!  

We approached the stage to claim our grand prizes. I was a bit dismayed to see the executive who was emcee’ing the evening was not planning to give us time for a short thank you speech. We were the winners, weren’t we? Shouldn’t they should us revery and respect?  I elbowed a teammate and said he should make a quick speech, but he thought I was joking. Chuckle, chuckle of course I wasn’t serious (umm...well, I guess I wasn’t serious since this executive WAS NOT handing over the mic.)

Oh well, I had my grand prize bag in hand and was excited to return to my table to see what loot we earned.  I sat down...pulled back the bag....to reveal....an American history trivia board game.  WTF?!?!   I felt like Ralphie (from A Christmas Story) on Christmas morning as he anxiously waited to unwrap a Red Rider BB gun, only to unwrap hideous pink bunny pajamas.  Where was my Red Rider BB gun? What am I going to do with an American history trivia board game for ages 9+?

Feeling slightly deflated, I did the only thing a true champion can do after winning the challenge. I brought home my proverbial pink bunny pajamas and then bragged about my victory on Facebook to my friends, acquaintances and people I barely remember ever meeting.

What is the morale of this story?  Winning feels good. At any age!

15 days

Wise Little Buddha has a theory on recovering from a break-up and she calls it “15 days”. 15 days from last contact and you will feel better.  Have perspective, be ready to let go or nearly there.  Why 15 days?  Who knows! But it was worth a test.

Today is Day 13 and already I have an entirely different perspective on things. I’ve quieted the inner gremlin saying that I wasn’t good enough and replaced it with entirely new thoughts that I’m enough.  After spending weeks feeling unworthy, I decided to take the gloves off and fight dirty to get to a place of worthiness. This involved reading books and having many discussions with family, friends, trusted advisors, spiritual leaders and practitioners. Getting many views on how it is that someone comes to own a sense of worthiness.

Each time I wanted to reach out to the Runner out of a sense of nostalgia, I opted not to, for one of two reasons:
1) I already know what happens if I reach out (prolonged hurt/disappointment). I do not know what happens if you chose the other path.
2) He wasn’t reaching out to me. Why would I spend any more of my sparse energy on him when I could put it toward the very valuable task of worthiness, which comes with infinitely higher returns!

At your most vulnerable point (as defined as uncertainty, risk, emotional exposure) you feel the most scared, but as Brene Brown puts it best “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change”.  I focused on the fear of being alone and unworthy.  But at that same vulnerable point, I found the courage to stand up for myself and challenge my gremlins and start down a path that is entirely new.

Originally I thought that The Runner came into my life to show me that “good” was possible. And I did learn that.  But the greater good is that this forced me to take a deep look right into the eyes of my gremlins. To decide, with nothing held back, that I was going to find a way to tame them and to move forward from a place of worthiness.

Am I there yet? Not quite. Am I on the right path? Heck yeah!  

Wonder Woman doesn’t stay down when hit by a blow. She comes back wiser and stronger each time.

Thanksgiving and heavy hearts

That phrase caught me this week as it reminds me of what’s going on. Looking around at all of the things I have to be thankful for. Starting to see that maybe life isn’t as scary as I’ve been seeing it (though still having my daily morning panic attacks).  But also still unsure, unsteady.

I spoke with many of the sages in my life this week. If you are gonna work on worthiness, may as well pull out all of the stops, no reason to only go half way!  Here are a few of the insights gleaned as the work week is wrapping up and the weekend is about to dawn:
- Learn to validate myself.  I was disconcerted by the amount of energy I’ve spent worrying about what others think. It dominates so much of this blog it is embarrassing. Instead of wondering if I’m right or wrong, crazy or sane, it’s time to know that I’m enough.  What I’m thinking and feeling is ok. It’s me. It’s valid. It doesn’t matter what others think, it matters if I’m being true to myself.  I love Brene Brown’s tag line in Daring Greatly “It's not the critic who counts”.
(Here’s a fast and easy trick to knowing if your thoughts are fact or fiction: if it comes from a loving place, it is you, it is a fact. If it comes from fear, it’s a feeling, its temporary, it is fiction.)

- Stay connected.  Though I frequently feel isolated, the truth is there are many, many wonderful people supporting me. I may be crumble but they still hold me up. I can’t thank those people enough (many of whom are likely reading this now!).  THANK YOU!

- Stuff happens. Stuff happens & I’m ok. Stuff happens & I’m ok. I don’t give myself credit for any of the good things in my life (kid, dog, car, house, family, friends, etc) but I certainly take the blame for everything that goes wrong (it’s raining today, I must have committed a cardinal sin!)

- Know what you deserve. Ask for what you want. Don’t apologize. Enough said. Luckily I had a friend who has perfected this art and she’s teaching me!

All in all, a good end to the week before a bustling weekend and busy week follow.  I hope this blog post finds everyone well & on an upbeat as we close out a long, cold week.