There is a Little Bit of Katie Meyler in Each of Us (And Why I’m Going to Rwanda…as a Single Mom)

(As seen on the Huffington Post) 

If you don't know who Katie Meyler is yet, it’s worth the time to find out. She is an enterprising young woman who opened the More than Me Academy to get girls off the street and into schools in West Point, Liberia.

When the Ebola epidemic struck West Africa in the fall of 2014, the school was forced to shut down. Instead of waiting for the threat to pass, Katie flew into the heart of the epidemic and turned her school into an aid center to help victims and newly orphaned children of Ebola. You can follow Katie on Instagram where she posts gripping photos of both the despair and hope found within Liberia. For her efforts, she was named Time Magazine’s ”Person of the Year” in 2014, and has earned Instagram’s “person to follow,” designation as her posts resonate with all cross-sections of humanity.  

Why are people so drawn to Katie's story and her work? Because there is a little bit of Katie Meyler in each of us. She doesn't come from a wealthy family and has had no advantages to make her journey easy - she just knew what she needed to do and acted on it.

Perhaps Katie’s will to help is best described by Dr. Bhavna Shyamalan, co-founder of the M Night Shyamalan Foundation, an organization that funds the More than Me Academy. “Walking by a man lying in the street is not neutral, it is a negative,” Shyamalan says. “You are making a choice to do nothing.” She adds that the only way forward is to pull people up, one by one.

Although we may not have the means or desire to fly to Liberia, seeing Katie's pictures reminds us that we can each choose actions to improve the world around us. Katie, and others like her, prove that one person's efforts are not inconsequential - what we do makes a difference.

Inside we all know there is something we can do for the greater good. We need to listen to the voice reminding us that we are fortunate and often take basic essentials for granted - yet others are not as lucky.  

As a single mother, I made the decision to travel to Rwanda to live and work for two weeks in the Nibakure Children’s Village - an orphanage designed to provide a sustainable home for approximately 20 children who were not born into the loving and stable environments so many of us are afforded.

When I learned of the Nibakure Village, I instantly recognized how lucky my daughter and I are to have landed where we are in life. I wondered if I didn’t go and spend time with these children - who would? These kids didn't choose to be born into a difficult situation, living in one of the world’s poorest countries, but I can choose to make their world a little bit better by volunteering my time and energy.

So I’ve committed to getting more than five inoculations to protect against deadly diseases, such as yellow fever and typhoid, taking meds that cause stomachaches, and flying across the globe for 24 hours to have an experience that will both enrich my character and provide an example for my daughter, so that she doesn’t take our life for granted and choosing to help others will become part of the fabric of who she is as she grows up.

Don't be neutral - choose to help pull someone up today.

"Walking by a man lying in the street is not neutral, it is a negative"

I went to the M. Night Shyamalan Foundation event over the weekend to hear three of their leaders speak - three individuals who have been 'vetted by life' and overcame significant challenges that lead them to feel responsible to make circumstances better for others - from pulling boys in Ghana out of the slave trade, to getting girls in Liberia off the streets and into school to eradicating the signficant reading lag in K through 3rd graders in the US.

Dr. Bhavna Shyamalan said, "Walking by a man lying in the street is not neutral, it is a negative" - these three individuals refused to leave anyone lying there and are pulling people out, one by one.

I left the event feeling incredibly inspired and wondering - am I pulling as many people out as I can?  Although I have my trip to Rwanda booked (leaving in 2 months!) and I volunteer on a community committee, the majority of my time is spent at work and raising my daughter.  The truth is, I've always felt I should do more. I even have a shooting star tattooed on my back to remind me of what I am capable of doing, so I would not forget to never settle.

I realized that night that I haven't been at a place where I feel safe to branch further out. I live in a house where I feel under siege - between things breaking and flashbacks to the dramatic end to the marriage.  I didn't chose to live in this house, I ended up living here by circumstance.

In the past 2 months I've set everything else aside and have focused on finding a home for Stella and I.  A solid foundation from which we can continue to build our lives.  I think (hope) I have found that place & if this one doesn't work out, I won't give up until I find the home that is right for us.

I truly believe this is a missing piece to getting my 'maslovian needs' in order - and now I want to do more - help others who's needs aren't met.

Despite wondering if 'doing enough' after hearing these amazing leaders, I attended a fundraising dinner for a soup kitchen where my team at work at served a lunch. After we saw the poor condition of their cooking supplies, we shipped boxes of sets of culinary knives for the kitchen along with blankets and coats and whatever else we could pull together to supply to the homeless people who depend on this facility each day for their meals and services.  Although this was done without thinking twice, the person who runs the soup kitchen found me at the dinner and thanked me for coming through - not for saying that we wanted to help - but for doing it and taking it to the next level but sending the supplies. 

Right now I have the urge to pick everyone up - that passion and buzz inside - but right now I am doing what I can. Right now, I need a home base to start from.  Right now, I need to raise my daughter. But as I go along, I can help on the community committee, I can spend time at the orphanage in Rwanda, making those kids feel special and valued - and I can help a poorly supplied soup kitchen along the way -- what can you do today?

Don't be neutral - don't be a negative - pick someone up.

Helpful read: A Single Mom's Guide to Career Advancement (For Any Working Mom!)

Great article from TheGlassHammer.com:
A Single Mom's Guide to Career Advancement (For Any Working Mom!)

Resurrecting Soup Guy

In the fall of 2013 I met a lovely guy whom I named Soup Guy. We only had two dates because I didn't feel the "wow" factor.  However, in the year and a half since, I've thought of him many times as I grumbled to myself that this date 'didn't do this' or was 'lousy at that' - and would compare the less-than dates to Soup Guy who did everything right.

So when I came across him on an online dating since in 2015, I asked if he would like to catch up over a drink.  We met up last week and had good conversation, he is as nice as ever. Easy going, non-judgemental, asks a lot of questions.  Although the immediate "wow" factor isn't there right now, I am well aware that my "wow" factor-o-meter is a bit off and usually points to self-involved, un-evolved guys.  He asked for a second date and said he has a fun idea so I'm going to say yes and see what is in store.

Big Data and Online Dating

Despite the more than 100 first dates I've probably been on since my divorce, I have had probably 90 bad first ones and out of the remaining ten, first bad second dates.  Surely there must be a science to this.  I've put my own first date criteria in place to drastically reduce the number of 'nice guys' I say yes to, in hopes to meet more 'potential guys' out for a drink.

Amy Webb, a digital strategist and author, decided to take a scientific approach to dating - her TED Talk on "How I Hacked Online Dating" is a must watch!

De-skunking my life

I haven't written in a while...since I last wrote, my house has been sprayed three times by skunks that made a home and under addition, the hot water pipe running to said addition froze (who knew a hot water pipe could froze) and the backroom in my basement got water in it twice.  I've been struggling to keep from drowning!

There are a few things I've learned from having challenge after challenge arise within days of each other over the last few weeks:
1) I can handle anything. I've caught 2 skunks and 2 possums in traps myself! I've de-smelled, thawed, dried out, waterproofed and smell-proofed my house.

2)  People show up when you need them. At one point I thought perhaps I was on the outs with the universe. Maybe the great force had finally turned it's back on me for all of the selfish thoughts I've had over the years. But after the skunk, pipe and flooding happened the first time, my doorbell rang. And my friend was standing there. 10 mins later it rang again. And another friend showed up.  The next night another friend showed up with flowers and took Grace and I for the best ice cream we've ever had!  If that's not a true sign that the universal force of love has your back, then I don't know what is!

3) I feel completely unrelatable and unattached to the rest of the world.  Although it is with great pride that I can say I'm addressing these obstacles on my own, it sounds bizarre when you try to explain this to a guy. It's not hot. It's not needy. It's like I'm too far removed for anyone to find me remotely desirable again.

4) I went from being lonely and feeling a hole inside to loving my alone time and feeling pretty fulfilled.

Between 3 and 4 it is a weird juxtaposition because while I feel completely undate-able - I also have very little desire to really date.  Maybe it is because the last 8 months I've met some really lame, lame people...but now I immediately react with a mix between "this guy wouldn't want to hang with me" and "why would I ever want to hang with this guy?"

I did go out on one date in the last month with a guy I met 2 years ago. We couldn't get it together to go out on a date then and he insists that it was because I was being flakey. But I remembered thinking he seemed like a player. Well sure enough, a tiger can't hide his stripes and he made several flirty references but he couldn't quite ask me out for a second date. 

So what does this all mean?  Well, basically that I'll be really happy when there are no skunks under my addition....or in my life :)

What he did before the first day came true 10x by the 5th date!

An early blogpost put forth the theory that "whatever a person does on the first date, multiply it by 10X and that's what you'll get 90 days into the relationship".

This rang true with the last guy I dated. We went out 4 times. Before the first date, he texted for so many weeks that I said I didn't sense he was that interested and wished him good luck with his search. He said he was interested and finally asked me out.  Straight away: he was not interested enough.

On the second date, we met at a bar near his place in the city. I drove around for 40 mins looking for parking. He was at the bar having a drink for the last 20 mins of my desperate search for a spot, and not once offered to come out and help me find a spot.

On date three and four, he drove out to my town but made no effort to make plans, he left it all to me.

So after 2 weeks went by and he texted and said "what are you doing next week? what to meet up?" I thought 'no, I want to be asked to have dinner, I "meet up" with my friends'.  So I kindly wrote back and said that this was feeling like more of a friend thing, but I was happy to hang out as friends, time permitting (I didn't say time permitting but I assume that was understood).

He proceeds to send a few texts saying he was just busy and he is interested, but I didn't have the heart to say "even when you made time, you still did not make much of an effort".  And now it's time to move on..

What to do When You Have Stretched Passed Your Limit?

I am most definitely stretched passed my limit.

I've over-extended myself, over-spent my energy and over-reached my boundaries in order to try to make life perfect....and what came as a result? I'm past the point of exhaustion and (spoiler alert) life didn't end up perfect after all :)

At this point it is time for a total life recharge: take care of myself

• Turning down social invitations when I feel the need to catch up on sleep
• Indulging in some wonderfully entertaining TV programming
• Picked up a bottle of body wash that says "indugle" so I thought I would. 
• To start to fight back my own image of myself as a rundown 35 year old living inside a haggard, worn-out 85 year old body, I invested in 2 key 'beautifiers':
1. The Clairsonic skin cleaning brush. My skin as never felt so soft and looked so shiny! It took years off instantly!
2. A fancy new hairdryer which hasn't arrived yet so I can't remember the name nor give an honest review, but I am sure it will yield Jennifer Aniston-level style

I have a lot of overextending, overspending, and overreaching to heal. It will take some time. So going forward, I learned a few key lessons to try and prevent passing my limit:

• Ask for a break as soon as I need it - don't wait until it is dire
• Take care of myself as a priority, not only as a remedy
• Change internal dialogue to be positive - because life is perfectly imperfect
• Laugh WAY more often
• Move out of the way of the storm of those who will take what you have and leave you feeling empty 
• Recognize joy in small moments

Happy Un-Groundhog's Day

Today is Groundhog's Day, perhaps celebrated across the nation but most definitely in Pennsylvania where the infamous groundhog lives.

I started thinking about the term 'groundhog's day' for a repeat experience over and over.  And I realized that today, for the first year, I can honestly say it is Un-Groundhog's Day. I've learned so much over the last year - about who I am, what I am worth, and how to set boundaries to be treated as I would like - that I will not fall into the same traps over and over again this year.

Last year had four really big hits of mistakes. And I used to say I never made a mistake, I always learned from my experiences - but four times it seems like I repeated the same naive hope and belief and landed on my you-know-what, crushed each time.

But the truth is, each time I built up hope and believed in someone for different reasons and it took the same lesson, over and over, to realize that settling for less than you are worth - under any circumstances - is never ok.  As soon as that little voice inside tugs at you and says 'this guy doesn't add up' - trust the voice because there is a reason it is there!

So Happy Un-Groundhogs Day to all of my fellow singles who are getting wiser by the year :)

Reflections on My Marriage

I've been remiss about writing lately, partially due to traveling for work and partially due to dealing with some health stuff.  However, mainly I've just had the overwhelming feeling that I'm drowning lately.  As a result, my brain has somewhat shut itself, and in effect me, off from everything.

I've actually been hanging out with a guy for the last few weeks. Very nice guy, he seems somewhat interested but in my opinion not interested enough. He makes some effort, but not enough. And his lack of effort is resulting in my disinterest so I guess that is karma at work for you right there - what you give is what you get back :)

This time of non-movement has afforded me some freedom to reflect.  Images of the last 4 years have been flashing by, some bring me to tears and some make me smile. It's like my brain is processing the last four years. I suspect this started a couple of months ago, and I believe this is what the Sage Shrink referred to as "grieving".

Nonetheless during a recent reflection (read: flashback), I realized that I carry around a great amount of anxiety because of the lies my ex told and how shocked I was to found out that all was not as I thought it was. It created a ripple effect in me where I started to question and doubt everything - because I never really knew where the truth stopped and the lies started.  Were they all lies?  This question has haunted me for a long time.

Then I realized - it is somewhere in the middle.  The truth is, when we met we were different people than we were today. He was a person who would lie in order to get approval. And I was a person who desperately wanted to be approved of.  We checked off every item on the 'suitable partner' checklist (too naive to realize that a checklist does not make true love).

During the eight years we were together, we grew into different people. I grew to be someone who realized I deserved approval. And he grew to be someone who....well still lied in order to get approval.  See the disconnect?

So it doesn't matter what was real and what was not - it was a fit in the beginning because we were both looking in the same direction. But when one person grows and the other does not, sometimes the disconnect becomes to deep and too distant to where it is no longer a fit. 

This realization has brought me some amount of peace.  It removes some of the burden of distrust from new people I meet. It removes the burden of guilt from myself for not being wiser all along.

I was on my path, and he was on his. But my path was never stagnant, I was always moving forward.