In the Middle

I keep going back to this quote by Pema Chondron, “When we draw a line down the center of a page, we know who we are if we’re on the right side and who we are if we’re on the left side. But we don’t know who we are when we don’t put ourselves on either side. Then we just don’t know what to do. We just don’t know.  We have no reference point, no hand to hold. At that point we can either freak out or settle in. Contentment is a synonym for loneliness, cool loneliness, settling down with cool loneliness.”

I know for sure that I have absolutely no idea where I am right now or who I am.  I continue to portray myself in my head as broken. But I’m no longer broken.  I dream of being whole. But I am not whole yet.  I’m in the middle.  And I don’t know what to do here!

I find myself proactively offering excuses to people for being in the perceived state that I am (the perception of being broken). I’ve convinced myself that in terms of dating, I’ve passed my expiration date because I’m more interested in spending quality time with my little girl than I am in bonding with a beer bottle at the latest hip spot. Even writing this blog, I think ‘wow, readers must wonder why can’t this chick pull it together already?’ But those are my perceptions.

What about the flip side?  Do people see a strong woman who is in the process of healing while raising a wonderful daughter, holding down a demanding job, maintaining her own home and holding all of this together while staying fit, fashionable and hip?  Why excuses need to be offered for that person - isn’t pride the logical feeling that would follow?

I want to find contentment in the middle. Peace with being alone.  Knowing that I am enough.