In the Middle

I keep going back to this quote by Pema Chondron, “When we draw a line down the center of a page, we know who we are if we’re on the right side and who we are if we’re on the left side. But we don’t know who we are when we don’t put ourselves on either side. Then we just don’t know what to do. We just don’t know.  We have no reference point, no hand to hold. At that point we can either freak out or settle in. Contentment is a synonym for loneliness, cool loneliness, settling down with cool loneliness.”

I know for sure that I have absolutely no idea where I am right now or who I am.  I continue to portray myself in my head as broken. But I’m no longer broken.  I dream of being whole. But I am not whole yet.  I’m in the middle.  And I don’t know what to do here!

I find myself proactively offering excuses to people for being in the perceived state that I am (the perception of being broken). I’ve convinced myself that in terms of dating, I’ve passed my expiration date because I’m more interested in spending quality time with my little girl than I am in bonding with a beer bottle at the latest hip spot. Even writing this blog, I think ‘wow, readers must wonder why can’t this chick pull it together already?’ But those are my perceptions.

What about the flip side?  Do people see a strong woman who is in the process of healing while raising a wonderful daughter, holding down a demanding job, maintaining her own home and holding all of this together while staying fit, fashionable and hip?  Why excuses need to be offered for that person - isn’t pride the logical feeling that would follow?

I want to find contentment in the middle. Peace with being alone.  Knowing that I am enough.

Living as an Uncarved Block

The Runner and I went to Baltimore for the 2 days/1 night away. We both like doing active things and he pace matches mine when I travel (not a lot of time spent staring at a TV in a room!).  He actually hung out the whole weekend, not just the night away. Even Sunday night when Grace returned.
 
Previously I said I thought that he had stopped pulling back but wasn’t moving forward either. The truth is, he is moving forward in small steps. So that is good.

But there is still something missing. The excitement of the early days of dating someone. I can’t let myself go because I’m always aware he may pull back at any moment. And he already said he doesn’t even know if he can/will let himself go because of past hurt and ‘lifestyle differences’.  So as we were away this weekend I kept assessing the situation to get a feel for ‘is this working for me or not’.  For each point where I think it won’t work, I have a point that makes it worth moving forward.

I’m in the middle. Not having strong enough feelings to go either way. Which reminded me to ‘be a log’ and feel the sadness of lacking the excitement of being together, and then feeling the comfort of being with someone who is so thoughtful and capable that I don’t have to worry about anything.

I was contemplating my non-action as a log and was reminded of what sounded so familiar - the Uncarved block of Taoism. The basis for the philosophy that I try to use as my doctrine when perspective is needed (though I frequently do not put into practice enough, I’m starting to do so more recently).

The Chinese word "Pu" is often translated as "the uncarved block," and refers to a state of pure potential which is the primordial condition of the mind before the arising of experience. The Taoist concept of Pu points to perception without prejudice, i.e. beyond dualistic distinctions such as right/wrong, good/bad, black/white, beautiful/ugly. It is a state of mental unity which places the Taoist practitioner into alignment with the Tao.

The practice of the Uncarved block has become less anxiety provoking and more comfortable. The need to have all of life's answers right now is fading (don’t get me wrong, the ‘need’ is fading but I still would really like to have everything tied it a nice little bow!).  I don’t know if I’ll get married again or even find the right person, but I’m still growing and still taking advantage of every opportunity to live life to it’s fullest - and that is enough. Being in a state of potential rather than expectation.  A state of experience rather than disappointment or elation. 

Ps - Happy 4,000 view of this blog!  The comments and support provided by everyone as results from this blog have been wonderful. Something I am grateful for each day.  Please feel free to comment or share your experiences on the blog too!