“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” ~Jack Kornfield

I had planned to refrain from any action, as outlined in the previous blog post. I actually did this for a while. But as discussions about a potential future with “him” arose, I defaulted back into my same pattern of feeling like I’m not enough. As he was expressing his concerns about seeing things that made it appear I was hiding something, I was getting more and more defensive trying to prove I am good person, I am enough. And what do you think when someone defends themselves? That they are hiding something, so it played right back into his trust issues. Eventually this was talked out, and we both came away with a better understanding of where the other person was coming from. However, it was beyond upsetting to me that once again, I was back to the little kid inside, hurting so badly, believing she was unlovable. Sometimes I wonder if I don’t even go out of my way to prove that I’m unlovable just to see if someone will stick around.  And the fell into the same familiar cycle for beating myself up for being so weak. I can twist myself into pretzels understanding where someone else is coming from, but when it comes to me, I lack all compassion.

After that conversation, he stuck around. So did I.  Both tentative, as it was much to process and his time staying locally was drawing to a close. But we came back together….again.

Over the weekend he left, returned to his home. Though I always knew it was inevitable, I did a great job of blocking it out of my head until reality hit me over my head like a 3 ton slab of stone. Ouch!  It hurt to have him leave. An empty spot left where so many warm memories were made.

Now it is a big question mark. He lives far away.  Far, far away. And we each have our issues, so communication would be more important than ever.  Not to mention, I am still healing. (Though one thing distance is great for is time...built in time that I can use for myself!).

If you took away his trust issue, he is who I am looking for. I knew it pretty early on (obviously as this has intensified over only a month). That is hard not to fight for. That is hard to let go of. But I can’t convince him that this is worth a shot, as I know I would not be truly at peace in a relationship unless I am with someone who wants to try as much (or maybe more!) that I do.