S-Day

Yesterday was S-day - 2 years to date when I kicked my ex out of the house after he informed me he had no intention of working on the marriage nor ending his affair.  I made it all day without crying until I found out my cousin got engaged. I’m very happy for her, her finace is a virtual dog whisperer so I’m hoping he’ll whip my dog into shape.  But at the same time, it feels like the universe has a funny way of twisting the knife just a little bit more every time the pain starts to ease - a constant reminder that I missed out on my happy ending and now am in a permanent life-limbo.

And of course, when thinking about my life-limbo, I think about the current situation with The Runner. Dating someone who hasn’t even asked me to hang out tonight, even though it is Friday. We do have plans to go out of town tomorrow but I can’t remember the last time he asked me to spontaneously hang out.  And 90% of my invitations are met with rejections for a variety of reasons (work, tired, hanging out with roommates).  So although The Runner has stopped moving backward, he never really started moving forward.  Maybe this is what it means to take baby steps and take things slowly, but it is hard to go from something that was more to something that is less....and then stay in that holding pattern.  It is hard not to think ‘I want to be with someone who wants to be with me’, when currently I feel like I’m on a scheduled visitation, not spontaneous ‘I can’t wait to see you’. And most definitely never ‘I miss you’ when we aren’t hanging out.

So although I made it through most of s-day unscathed, I’m feeling down in the dumps today.  I’ll shake it off for our out-of-town adventure tomorrow but it is hard not to blurt out ‘what is going on here?’ since I said I’d give it 6 weeks to find out.  I sincerely hope this ‘giving someone space’ thing pays off because mainly it just makes me feel somewhere between not-very-important to a downright convenience.