Forgiveness

It hit like the deluge of rain that was pounding on my window.  A veritable tidal wave of pain arose from deep with in me. Every event, every word, every action that had sunk in to me over the last few months began to pull out of my bones, out of my blood, out of my skin, and out of my tears.

I don’t even know what started it but my heart was so heavy I didn’t want to get up. I ran a bubble bath and sat in what became a bath of my own tears, taking stock of my body, emaciated from years of stress that burn the calories faster than they come, and of my life that appeared before me as a twisted mess.

I’ve put myself out there time and time again in hopes that I will meet someone nice. And between Chap, the Pace Setter and most recently Officer Hottie who runs hot & cold faster than you can say “ma’am you were speeding” - I have internalized a world of pain.

Though in each situation I recognized their words and actions were a reflection of them, not of me.  Yet I held on to a part of it and internalized it, letting it eat at me until I couldn’t take it any longer and my body forcible rejected it all in the form of a stream of tears.

During this nuclear breakdown, I reached out to Chap. Because that’s what I do when I’m feeling low. Partly out of naive hope that maybe this time he will say ‘oh wow, I totally f’d up, I’m so sorry’ but full well knowing he is not capable of that and that all he will dish back is pain.  Which he did.  But an interesting thing happened. I dished it back - I sent the most honest email I’ve sent him. I told him he uses other people’s actions to justify the fact he is a monster. And he really is, a monster. My heart hurts even knowing I said it to him - and I don’t think he has to always be one but he has certainly chose that path and his fears are eating him alive. My knee jerk reaction was to send a follow up email, apologizing for my brash honesty. But as I read and re-read when I sent, I realized I couldn’t apologize for telling the truth. The truth that has been there all along but I was too scared to say.

And during this time, my mind did a flip flop. From focusing on the hurt and pain to seeing the strength that has been growing this whole time. The fact I could see Chap clearly. The fact that I know Officer Hottie’s ambivalence won’t work for me.

I went and got a massage and as she pushed deep into each knot, I imagined it was releasing all of the poisons that I had allowed inside and was setting me free, starting anew.

24 hours later, my muscles have never felt better. There is now a permanent wall separating Chap from me. And I’ve deleted Officer Hottie’s number because I don’t have time to be strung along through hot and cold games.

The pain is still there, it doesn’t disappear because of one good cry. And I still can’t tell you what is at the root without making up a knotted explanation that may or may not be true.  Whatever I’ve held on to, however I ended up back in a place of unworthiness - I can only count myself lucky that my body chose to let it go, literally forced it out, and pray that I move forward from this place. Acknowledging the feelings of unworthiness that have arisen and letting them go with whatever amount of grace can be found while crying in a bubble bath!

I know that grace and forgiveness of myself will be found at the heart of this particular storm (even if I don't know particular storm this is...yet). It's a painful road to get there but at least I know where I'm heading.