Monday, November 18, 2013

Knotted Explanations and Learning to Refrain

As it so happens with Pema Chodron’s thoughts for the week being impeccably timed and applicable to what is unfolding in my life, so it happens at church as well. This week the Pastor spoke on fear, with the overarching message being that there is a ton of scary stuff out there but God is always there. (God, love, universal force, whatever you want to call it, I'm not trying to convert anyone).  As the Pastor was speaking, I thought about my default reaction to any situation that causes high anxiety: Panic and come up with a knotted explanation to explain exactly what is going on so I feel I have control over the unknown - except coming up with knotted explanations changes nothing, they just force and heighten the issue and resulting anxiety, as I’ve now taking an unknown and forced it into an explainable box.  The other option being waiting through the anxiety until the truth of the situation becomes known to me, and dealing with it then.  Each and every time the truth of the matter becomes known, it is always less painful to deal with than the knotted explanation that I’ve forced upon myself.

The point of sermon was that while I am busy panicking and controlling, all the while, God or Love, is there. Whatever is underlying issue is, it will come out, it will heal. The panic is unnecessary. But without that trust that Love is there (Love in yourself, for yourself, from a force, I'm not specifically assigning this externally to a deity with a white beard, I think the force of Love is in you and around you), I freak out and feel the need to control the situation by naming it and making it knowable -- except that doing that prematurely, when I really don’t know what it is yet, makes more knots instead of simplifying which was the intended goal.

In practical application:
Great weekend with "him" (from the Clandestine Affair). Now that I am clear on his issues, versus mine, the pressure is gone. His issues are a deal-breaker for me. Maybe they are for him too but it doesn't really matter, it isn't something that I choose to spend my energy on.  Definitely disappointing but when one doors closes, another always opens, this I KNOW to be true.

Even with a great weekend, I feel a lot of anxiety about him.  However, instead of sending a barrage of texts trying to explain things, to control the situation before it gets out of control, I decided to sit and wait. I don't need to explain what I'm thinking, because I don't owe an explanation to anyone. While I don't know exactly why my anxiety is so high when it comes to him, I am choosing to let the unknown anxiety flow until my truth is known. Here's what I know: I have anxiety about him. That is what it is. But I'm refraining from controlling it and giving into the fear of having the anxiety.

I hesitated when writing this blog post, as it may sound like complete nonsense. It is hard to articulate but I sense this is a major shift in paths - now thinking "hmm, there is some anxiety, time to do something for myself" instead of "there is anxiety!!!! time to take action and alleviate this feeling!!!!!!!"

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