Getting Back on My Path (and Why It’s Important to Shower Before a Date)

I had one last online date scheduled from a guy who I emailed with for way too long.  After he informed me he would be coming straight from soccer practice and wanted to meet somewhere casual and outdoors, I informed him I was worth showering for and called it off.  I mean really, if you can’t shower for the first date, what does that mean for future efforts?

So I put stinky soccer coach, along with the roofer and my Tinder profile on a shelf and have been trying to spend time being alone with myself. Boy, being alone after such a run of guy craziness is an adjustment. I can feel my mind squirm at the new-found space it has that is not occupied by trying to reply to someone, trying to set up a date, or trying to interpret what a text means!  

I love Pema Chodron’s weekly email quote this week:

OUR TRUE NATURE

Our true nature is like a precious jewel: although it may be temporarily buried in mud, it remains completely brilliant and unaffected. We simply have to uncover it.

I may have walking through the mud and the weeds, buried in a muck of anxiety but that doesn’t change who I am - and I’m happy to be back on the path to uncovering that!

The Need to Know

Our need to know what is or will happen is astonishing. I say “our” because I’m assuming you have it too, but I definitely have a strong drive to know. I can’t stand the gray area, I like to know if I’m in the black or the white.  I see it at work at company’s where senior management is secretive and doesn’t maintain transparency into company strategy or changes. Employees become suspicious and gossipy - forever speculating on what might be unfolding. It’s a loss of productivity that could be avoided if they understood the strategy and surrounding events and knew how their position contributed to the big picture.

Obviously in my life, I see it most with guys. I can’t stand not knowing where things stand. And even when all of the evidence points to an answer, I second guess it, citing that things could turn on a dime in any second.  Maybe it is fall out from my the shock of the affair or the 3 days notice I had to the end of my marriage, but the constant need to know what will happening (to control the situation) is boundless.

I’ve written aboutthis need to know/need for control many times and I still struggle with it to this day. Pema Chodron has developed an entire series of books that help people stay with an emotion in the moment but release the story line. Everything doesn’t have to be explained. Staying in the gray is just fine. It may be uncomfortable but action doesn’t need to be taken to escape the discomfort.

I, for one, am impulsive. I impulsively act on the discomfort. Which then, ironically, leads me to more discomfort. Rather than refraining from action and waiting to see what unfolds, I impulsively react, thus forcing a situation forward, perhaps to a conclusion that I was not hoping for.

I wish I had the answer of how to stop. I suspect Pema Chondron does, as well as Jack Kornfield - probably even Oprah.  Right now all I have is the awareness of my thoughts. And some tools to help slow me down. Running or meditating every day to bring me back into the present moment. To maintain a sense of myself. To learn more about myself.

As I sit here writing this all down, I have a ball of anxiety in my belly. Wondering what is going on, what is going to happen next. Will the new guy text me? Does he like me? Will we hang out again?  I have the urge to text every friend I have, looking for their insight and predictions of how a situation will unfold. Surely someone has a crystal ball to tell me what will happen.  But I’m trying to refrain. Refrain from seeking their reinforcement that a positive outcome is on its way. Refrain from seeking their soothing that there is no need to worry. I’m trying to just acknowledge the anxiety for what it is - uncomfort in the gray area. And remember that in this moment, I’m still breathing. I’m still typing. I’m still me. And nothing that will happen will change that.

Relaxing gradually and whole heartedly into the ordinary and obvious truth of change

In the blink of an eye I went from a blissful four months of enjoy the perfect job, to having a new boss, thereby threatening to change both the security and freedom that I’ve grown to love. I’ve been dreading this moment because I knew I was so happy having reached the perfect place for myself, that any change would surely bring disappointment.

I moped around the office yesterday, scared that this change would mean being locked down and pushed back into a tactical role.  So I took all of my anxiety home with me and opened up Pema Chodron’s “'The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times' (a gift from my own personal Little Buddha) and began reading. Almost immediately Pema spelled out how imperanance is the only permanent thing and that when we have a fixed identity it just makes us miserable. Going so far as to say that it makes us feel self important and even wronged when someone or something threatrens that self-importance.  Well….how could she say….wait...she’s right!  I was so wrapped up in the fixed idea of me as being the head of a marketing department in all of my creative glory, that I was resisting natural change….and a change that may bring even great opportunity.

Pema related a story of a man who thought his son was killed at war. He locked himself in his house to greive and refused visitors. A year later his son returned home, unharmed by the war. He repeatedly knocked on his father’s door and let him know he was alive but his father say sent the son away and said to leave him alone because he was grieving!  He was so set on his identity as a grieving father that he missed the fact he was still be a father.

I don’t want to miss something new that may come because I’m so set on who I think I am.  I wrote this down to re-read to myself during this time of transition:

“(Buddhist teachings) encourage us to relax gradually and whole heartedly into the ordinary and obvious truth of change.”

"I had hoped..."

“I had hoped” is said to be one of the saddest phrases. And as I let the solitude settle down around me and embrace my time alone, I find the phrase “I had hoped…” pops up frequently. I had hoped there would be someone there to share these experiences with. I had hoped there would be someone there to help with Grace threw a tantrum. I had hoped someone would be there to help.  My marriage did not turn out as I had hoped, but I’m ok.  And I’m quite sure one day I will turn around and be thankful that divorced happened because it freed my from a very limited, unhappy life.

Pema Chodron talks about letting go of hope - I think she means in terms of setting yourself up for disappointment. But it is nearly impossible not to hope for good things for yourself and your loved ones.

This weekend my dog was diagnosed with SARDS. In about 2 days he went totally blind. It was devastating at first, as I had hoped he would live a happy, loved life.  He still seems as vibrant as ever, although a little more tentative as he adjusts to relying fully on his other senses.  So although it is an adjustment for him and for Grace and I, I can already see that his strength and determination is shining through and even if it is not how I had hoped, it is ok.

Unfortunately his bloodwork also came back irregular - slightly elevated indicating a possible problem with kidney functions.  I had hoped he would love a long, healthy life. I don’t get the results of the follow up tests until tomorrow. I do hope they are ok.

I am trying to remember that even if things do not turn out as I had hoped, that does not mean they won’t be ok...or even better.

Shifting allegiance to our basic goodness

"At some point, we need to stop identifying with our weaknesses and shift our allegiance to our basic goodness". - Pema Chodron

I've been at a work conference all week and the quote above was my exact challenge. It's a new job and I'm asked to make a huge cultural change in the company and I have has very little feedback or concrete support so I feel like I am out on a limb.  And in being a exposed, as soon as any negative feedback comes in I go right to use identifying with my weakness rather than staying grounded in my basic goodness.

Loneliness, Panic, and Being Cool

I chased. Although my motto is no energy spent on weak people, love the present moment - chasing an unavailable guy is a long-standing bad habit, and the minute I was bored & lonely I chased.

The good news is: I caught myself!  I chased, I stopped. I’m trying not to beat up on myself for it and just let it go - no harm done, I don’t need to protect some super cool image, I just had a lonely moment and went back to old habits.

One thing is for sure, in terms of Pema Chodron’s advice to sit with ‘cool loneliness’, I see more and more that when the lonely feeling comes in and I immediately panic and try to change it (by chasing someone or getting attention!).  I immediately panics at the slightest twinge of loneliness. Interesting, isn’t it? I’ve always said that I hate feeling lonely, but I actually do enjoy being alone.  And I know I’ve associated being lonely to mean being unlovable my whole life. But I never realized how much I panic and seek to change the lonely feeling rather than just let it be and let it pass.

This urge to erase the feeling of lonely reminded me to revisit Pema’s writings:

“It’s tough going, because it goes against the grain of an ancient neurotic pattern that we all share. When we feel lonely, when we feel hopeless, what we want to do is move to the right or the left. We don’t want to sit and feel what we feel. We don’t want to go through the detox.  The experience of certain feelings can seem particularly pregnant with desire for resolution: loneliness, boredom, anxiety. Unless we can relax with these feelings, it’s very hard to stay in the middle when we experience them. We want victory or defeat, praise or blame…...When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down”.  You can read more about Pema’s thoughts on Cool Loneliness here.

So next time I have the urge to immediately change the feeling, I will try to take some deep breathes and sit with it, breathe through it, and let it be until it passes.  It feels refreshing to imagine doing just that!

What do you do when loneliness sets in?  Can you sit with it? Do you immediately seek to change it too?

Knotted Explanations and Learning to Refrain

As it so happens with Pema Chodron’s thoughts for the week being impeccably timed and applicable to what is unfolding in my life, so it happens at church as well. This week the Pastor spoke on fear, with the overarching message being that there is a ton of scary stuff out there but God is always there. (God, love, universal force, whatever you want to call it, I'm not trying to convert anyone).  As the Pastor was speaking, I thought about my default reaction to any situation that causes high anxiety: Panic and come up with a knotted explanation to explain exactly what is going on so I feel I have control over the unknown - except coming up with knotted explanations changes nothing, they just force and heighten the issue and resulting anxiety, as I’ve now taking an unknown and forced it into an explainable box.  The other option being waiting through the anxiety until the truth of the situation becomes known to me, and dealing with it then.  Each and every time the truth of the matter becomes known, it is always less painful to deal with than the knotted explanation that I’ve forced upon myself.

The point of sermon was that while I am busy panicking and controlling, all the while, God or Love, is there. Whatever is underlying issue is, it will come out, it will heal. The panic is unnecessary. But without that trust that Love is there (Love in yourself, for yourself, from a force, I'm not specifically assigning this externally to a deity with a white beard, I think the force of Love is in you and around you), I freak out and feel the need to control the situation by naming it and making it knowable -- except that doing that prematurely, when I really don’t know what it is yet, makes more knots instead of simplifying which was the intended goal.

In practical application:

Great weekend with "him" (from the Clandestine Affair). Now that I am clear on his issues, versus mine, the pressure is gone. His issues are a deal-breaker for me. Maybe they are for him too but it doesn't really matter, it isn't something that I choose to spend my energy on.  Definitely disappointing but when one doors closes, another always opens, this I KNOW to be true.

Even with a great weekend, I feel a lot of anxiety about him.  However, instead of sending a barrage of texts trying to explain things, to control the situation before it gets out of control, I decided to sit and wait. I don't need to explain what I'm thinking, because I don't owe an explanation to anyone. While I don't know exactly why my anxiety is so high when it comes to him, I am choosing to let the unknown anxiety flow until my truth is known. Here's what I know: I have anxiety about him. That is what it is. But I'm refraining from controlling it and giving into the fear of having the anxiety.

I hesitated when writing this blog post, as it may sound like complete nonsense. It is hard to articulate but I sense this is a major shift in paths - now thinking "hmm, there is some anxiety, time to do something for myself" instead of "there is anxiety!!!! time to take action and alleviate this feeling!!!!!!!"

A Simple Lesson

Pema Chodron’s quote for the week comes right in the nick of time, as always. This week, Pema says:

ANY ENCOUNTER OFFERS US A CHOICE

This is an idea that seems difficult for Westerners to accept: when someone harms us, they create the cause of their own suffering. They do this by strengthening habits that imprison them in a cycle of pain and confusion. It’s not that we are responsible for what someone else does, and certainly not that we should feel guilty. But when they harm us, we unintentionally become the means of their undoing. Had they looked on us with loving-kindness, however, we’d be the cause of their gathering virtue.

What I find helpful in this teaching is that what’s true for them is also true for me. The way I regard those who hurt me today will affect how I experience the world in the future. In any encounter, we have a choice: we can strengthen our resentment or our understanding and empathy. We can widen the gap between ourselves and others or lessen it.

The lesson I learned this week is simple: If someone isn't going to believe who you are when you show yourself to them, then there is no way to win.

To Pema’s point about how we regard those who hurt us, I am trying to find compassion in the situation to understand each individual is unique, however the actions that they choose to take can be hurtful and are not acceptable in my orbit.

“There’s no way to make a dreadful situation pretty. But we can use the pain of it to recognize our sameness with other people.”

Pema Chodron’s Heart Advice for the week really hit home today.  Pema says, “There’s no way to make a dreadful situation pretty. But we can use the pain of it to recognize our sameness with other people.”

I went through a particularly painful experience over the weekend which I used as an opportunity to do some soul searching.  While I will go far out of my way to prevent any pain (including aligning my cereal boxes to ensure nothing goes wrong!), I paused and gave thanks that this pain helped to remind me of what is good and right in my life (and to not take it for granted). And to use the pain to learn and grow.  

Pema’s advice for the week ends with, “Whatever usually drags us down and causes us to withdraw into ourselves is actually the stepping-stone for awakening our compassion and for contacting the vast, unbiased mind of the warrior.” It felt really good to exercise the ability to be resilient and grab the opportunity to do some growing.

Making frends with 'cool loneliness'

I started catching up on my Pema reading (Pema Chodron: When Things Fall Apart) and pleasantly surprised to pick right up at the chapter on loneliness. Pema differentiates between the hot loneliness where you will do anything to escape and not feel it, and cool loneliness which is hard to define outside of the person who is lonely is also super cool (obviously, this is the case with me).  But I’ll defer to the expert - Pema says, “When we draw a line down the center of a page, we know who we are if we’re on the right side and who we are if we’re on the left side. But we don’t know who we are when we don’t put ourselves on either side. Then we just don’t know what to do. We just don’t know.  We have no reference point, no hand to hold. At that point we can either freak out or settle in. Contentment is a synonym for loneliness, cool loneliness, settling down with cool loneliness.”

Funny how you read the exact thing that describes exactly where you are at that point in time. As I wrote before, my anxiety is way down but my loneliness has increased. So where does that leave me? I still don’t know. The general feeling of contentment that now underlies each action (as opposed to the previous feeling of anxiety which was under each action) is so new that I can’t make heads or tales of what it is, except that it isn’t bad...and sometimes it is even GOOD.  

On an unrelated but very contented note, do you know what makes a good day? When you find out the route you’ve been running is a half mile longer than you originally thought and then you go and run a mile further and feel great! 

Trying a new path

This week’s “heart advice” from Pema Chodron is particularly applicable for my week (funny how that always seems to happen!)

The three difficulties (or the three difficult practices) are:
   1.    to recognize your neurosis as neurosis,
   2.    then not to do the habitual thing, but
      to do something different to interrupt
      the neurotic habit, and
   3.    to make this practice a way of life.

This week I decided to make a major change in my life. I resigned from my job where I have been for the last 8 years. It was not a decision I arrived at lighty, as I have a very “perk” filled job - a lot of flexibility, great colleagues. But I wasn’t feeling challenged enough.  I needed more. If I stayed, it would be settling. And we all know Wonder Woman is not a settler!  So I found a position that offers more challenge and professional development opportunities. If you read between the lines, I left so I could have more work & a greater degree of difficulty - yikes!  

After resigning, a wave of anxiety took over. Fear of change. What if I made the wrong decision? What if I’m not yet strong enough to handle the stresses that come with the new job?  Am I a fool for leaving a safe place for the unknown?  There it is again: Uncertainty. And how do I respond: Anxiety.

Receiving Pema’s weekly advice email helped me to turn the situation around - rather than focusing on the fear side of uncertainty (which I always do & is a well trodden path for me to follow), I am practicing focusing on the strength it took to resign, the character it took to know I needed more, and the challenge ahead that will open up new doors and new possibilities.  

Every time the anxiety comes into my thoughts (just about every other minute), I simply think “anxiety, anxiety” and then let it go. Because it isn’t reality, it’s just the trodden path.

Another situation that triggered reoccuring anxiety came up with The Soccer Player. He is very “available”. He texts, he calls, he freaks me out!  I am drawn to emotionally unavailable, relationship adverse guys who present the challenge of proving my worthiness (i.e. repeating my “story line”).  So when someone is just “there”, I get uncomfortable. Rather than writing him off, I decided to acknowledge the anxiety of this unknown area and lean into the discomfort to see what happens when you choose a different path. I already knows what happens when you pursue the path of the unavailable guy (see the preceding 12 months of blog posts!).  I don’t know what happens when you lean into the discomfort and experience something new. I had a brief taste of it with The Runner when he was Superman for the first month we were together (until he revealed himself to be emotionally unavailable...good thing I recognized the unavailable nature as soon as it started peeping out and knew it was time to move on...but that’s history now).  End result: rather than pulling away from The Soccer Player (here’s the collective disbelief “wait, a good looking, British, ex-professional soccer player? What is she thinking??) -- I’ll see how this plays out (here’s the collective sign of relief)

“I’m ok”

After facing the hard truth that my hang up on The Runner was less about him and more about me doubting if I’m ok, I spent the weekend (and am still) thinking about what this means.  I never learned the resilience of “stuff happens” in life but I’m ok. Instead I somehow decided that stuff is happening because of me. As a result of something being wrong with me. And if only I could address what is wrong, then I could control/prevent stuff from happening.  But it’s not true. There is nothing to control. And on some level, I know things did not happen because of me.

So I kinda know that stuff happens.  Maybe I wasn’t the catalyst for many of the painful events that have occurred. Maybe I wasn’t the let-down of a wife that my ex made me feel to be. Maybe I wasn’t the dull, weight dragging The Runner down that I felt like each time he told me he didn’t “fit into a family environment”.  Maybe I can let myself off the hook (this will take A LOT of work). But....“I’m ok”?  Am I, really? It sure doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I’m running on empty. Dangerously close to sputtering to a stop. In need of a recharge.

I re-read this blog. Horrified by the amount of energy I’ve spent worrying about what others think. Specifically, tieing my “ok-ness” to whomever I was dating.  At first I thought that I haven’t moved forward. But then I took a step back and saw things that I’ve done differently, that I wouldn’t have done a year ago:
1) I ended it with The Runner instead of working and working to force it to work.
2) I have not contacted The Runner since the last blog post.  I have a strong urge to hear him say “you are ok” and I keep reminding myself that it doesn’t matter what he says, what he thinks, or what he’s doing right now. I’m ok, I need to know it, I’m ok.
3) I know what I deserve. And I’m taking steps to let go of anything less.

The disappointment with The Runner was a big hit. Bigger than I expected. I hoped it would work out. In truth, I actually thought that it would (not logical, I know, but I’m driven by heart, barely balanced by sound mind). The hit came at the worst time, when the holidays bring isolation to a painful razor sharp point.  It knocked me down. And I’m scared to get back up because I don’t want to endure another wave.

I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok. I hold my hand over my heart every morning and repeat these words until I can open my eyes and face the world. I think of Grace and our dog and tell myself I’m ok. 

 

Living as an Uncarved Block

The Runner and I went to Baltimore for the 2 days/1 night away. We both like doing active things and he pace matches mine when I travel (not a lot of time spent staring at a TV in a room!).  He actually hung out the whole weekend, not just the night away. Even Sunday night when Grace returned.
 
Previously I said I thought that he had stopped pulling back but wasn’t moving forward either. The truth is, he is moving forward in small steps. So that is good.

But there is still something missing. The excitement of the early days of dating someone. I can’t let myself go because I’m always aware he may pull back at any moment. And he already said he doesn’t even know if he can/will let himself go because of past hurt and ‘lifestyle differences’.  So as we were away this weekend I kept assessing the situation to get a feel for ‘is this working for me or not’.  For each point where I think it won’t work, I have a point that makes it worth moving forward.

I’m in the middle. Not having strong enough feelings to go either way. Which reminded me to ‘be a log’ and feel the sadness of lacking the excitement of being together, and then feeling the comfort of being with someone who is so thoughtful and capable that I don’t have to worry about anything.

I was contemplating my non-action as a log and was reminded of what sounded so familiar - the Uncarved block of Taoism. The basis for the philosophy that I try to use as my doctrine when perspective is needed (though I frequently do not put into practice enough, I’m starting to do so more recently).

The Chinese word "Pu" is often translated as "the uncarved block," and refers to a state of pure potential which is the primordial condition of the mind before the arising of experience. The Taoist concept of Pu points to perception without prejudice, i.e. beyond dualistic distinctions such as right/wrong, good/bad, black/white, beautiful/ugly. It is a state of mental unity which places the Taoist practitioner into alignment with the Tao.

The practice of the Uncarved block has become less anxiety provoking and more comfortable. The need to have all of life's answers right now is fading (don’t get me wrong, the ‘need’ is fading but I still would really like to have everything tied it a nice little bow!).  I don’t know if I’ll get married again or even find the right person, but I’m still growing and still taking advantage of every opportunity to live life to it’s fullest - and that is enough. Being in a state of potential rather than expectation.  A state of experience rather than disappointment or elation. 

Ps - Happy 4,000 view of this blog!  The comments and support provided by everyone as results from this blog have been wonderful. Something I am grateful for each day.  Please feel free to comment or share your experiences on the blog too!

Remaining like a log

I finally had the opportunity to sit down with Little Buddha today. I can not express how valuable she is, with her experiences, understanding and wisdom.  Little Buddha validated that what I'm going through has nothing to do with the Lexapro or depression, it is standard holiday emotions post-divorce. She said all the right things are being done: awareness of the negative thoughts, attempt to change perception. I know my thinking hasn’t been right but a lot of this is just knowing ‘it is what it is’. Instead I’ve been judging and fighting against my feelings.  

I wanted to tell The Runner what has been going on. I’ve been missing my joie de vivre and I don’t know if he can sense it, but he shares his experiences with me and I haven’t been able to communicate the same to him. So I decided to write it out - if I wrote the letter below to myself to tell me what’s been going on, it doesn’t make me as panicky. Or make me judge myself for feeling down. It makes me think it’s a rough time, then it will get better.  It takes away some of the overwhelming feelings.

Email to myself (and the Runner):
Hi,
Just a heads up - the holidays are super hard for me, so I've been feeling pretty down lately. This is when I became a single mom. The first month was December and I couldn't even leave my house. Last year I did the bare minimum and shut everything else out.  This year I have some holiday spirit back and am starting to indulge in Christmas cheer -- but it's been a rough few weeks and I'm overwhelmed and running on empty.

I've been consumed with so much guilt lately. About Grace - not doing enough with her, being exhausted by her, missing her when she's not there, being relieved when she's not there.  Guilt about not reaching the too high standards I set for myself - essentially that I should be perfect in every area.  Overwhelmed about the lack of job stability. The falling apart house (every time I get it to where things are in working order, it breaks again!)

Between the guilt that's been eating at me and constantly giving everything to a 2 year old who gives very little in return, I'm running on empty. I'm missing my joie de vivre!

So if I seem a little off kilter or strung out, I really just need a hug.

There are so many thoughts jumbled in my head right now that it was easier to write this out. I appreciate when you share about what's going on with you life, so I wanted to share with you too, so ya know what's up.

- Diana

Now that I’ve been able to sort through many jumbly thoughts, judgements and guilt, the question of how to survive the next month looms large. And as it always seems to happen, Pema Chodron’s thought of the week has impeccable timing:

REMAINING LIKE A LOG
The practice of “remaining like a log” is based on refraining, not repressing. When you realize you’re thinking, just acknowledge that. Then turn your attention to your breath flowing in and out, to your body, to the immediacy of your experience. Doing this allows you to be present and alert, and thoughts have a chance to calm down.

With this practice, it can be helpful to gently breathe in and out with the restlessness of the energy. This is a major support for learning to stay present. Basic wakefulness is right here, if we can just relax. Our situation is fundamentally fluid, unbiased, and free, and we can tune into this at any time. When we practice “remaining like a log,” we allow for this opportunity.

Hand over heart

THREE-STEP PRACTICE
First, come into the present. Flash on what’s happening with you right now. Be fully aware of your body, its energetic quality. Be aware of your thoughts and emotions.

Next, feel your heart, literally placing your hand on your chest if you find that helpful. This is a way of accepting yourself just as you are in that moment, a way of saying, “This is my experience right now, and it’s okay.”

Then go into the next moment without any agenda.

This practice can open us to others at times when we tend to close down. It gives us a way to be awake rather than asleep, a way to look outward rather than withdraw.
-- Pema Chodron

I haven’t written in a while because it’s taken the week to sort out my thoughts.  I had the “I like you, do you like me” conversation with The Runner. Not asking for a commitment or guarantee of what will be, but asking if he already know what won’t be. I’ll spare you the details of the full conversation - the end result is that we are on the same page. However, I was hurt by his hesitation to get into another relationship.  First taking it personally like - hello, I’m great and I’m right here and you would be an idiot to not pursue this. But then realizing that he is anticipating the same crazy as he experienced in his last relationship and is taking his time to really get to know me to see if that comes out. The same as I’m anticipating deception as I experienced in my last relationship and I’m taking my time feeling him out to make sure he is as solid as he seems to be.  I don’t use the word anticipate in a negative way or as self fulfillng prophecy but in the realistic way that when you put your hand on a burner and it is hot, you anticipate the same heat next time. We were both burned and we are both making sure that we are really getting to know each other.  This doesn’t sound like a big revelation right now, but it took me a week to come to peace with it!

As always the timing of the quote of the week is so impeccable.  As I am learning that being scared or having feelings of insecurity are going to come up.  Especially as sensitive spots are triggered. But the tough feelings wash over, the same as the good feelings.  All week I’ve pushed back against the pain that the fear triggers and I started to close down. First on The Runner, then on myself. Luckily I have wise loved ones who provided some perspective. I love the quote above because it reminds me that instead of fighting hard feelings, acceptance is an easier route and next time I will put my hand over my heart and remember that everything is ok.

Building Superhero Strength

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of sh*t and not be squeamish about taking a good look.”― Pema Chödrön

I thought my secret was out and my membership to the Superhero Club was going to be revoked - I’m not the strong, independent, all around awesome person that people believe I am - I’m a scared, vulnerable girl who has to focus hard to put one foot in front of the other right now.

I’ve been feeling as if I’m been falling apart for the last few months. They say you have to be in a safe enough place for really intense emotions to process. For me, that is about 1 year post life-explosion. I spent a year getting my life in order and just recently the reality of what happened hit like a ton of bricks and the pain is wide open again. It is shaking me to my core.

The fear of the pain of the past and the uncertainty of the future is intense. Regular life occurrences are hitting like huge waves, knocking me off of my feet and leaving me gasping for air.

In the past few weeks, I finally started to cry uncle and tell my friends that I’m in trouble and need help. And, being the Superheros that they are, they showed up in full force, providing unconditional love and support that would be enough to defeat even the most evil forces.

I thought that by exposing my vulnerabilities and sharing my fears with my Superhero Friends. they would see me for the weak person that I really am. But an amazing thing happened - they helped me see the opposite: Confronting fears and vulnerabilities, learning to navigate very difficult waves is what makes you strong.

I am a strong person, not despite what has happened or what I am feeling, but because of what happened and the feelings I am engaging with head on to learn, grow and live life to its fullest.

I owe my friends accolades of thanks for many reasons which I will happily relate as the story continues...but for today, I owe them a thank you for showing me that strength isn’t what you portray on the outside but it comes from what you are made of on the inside. With this revelation, I truly have the strength of Wonder Woman.