Monday, August 20, 2012

"Incongruent living is exhausting"

I put myself back on with the thinking that if the guys at the shore ‘aren’t looking for anything serious’ then surely guys who are paying for a venue to meet other singles must be looking for something more than hanging out for a night at a bar.  Shortly thereafter, I started emailing with The Runner, aptly named because he was a competitive runner for many years.

I met The Runner for dinner/drinks at Silk City, a sweet diner/outdoor beer garden/club in the city.  We ate dinner outside and then went indoors to see the DJ (ok, perhaps this *may* have been the DJ that I employed my ‘how to pick up a DJ’ plan on to no successful end).  It was a great time. I even....drum roll please....danced!  (it was awkward, don’t get me wrong but at least I made an effort).

After some casual/friendly texting over the weekend, The Runner asked me out again and we are set for dinner tomorrow night. He is only 2 years younger than I am. Owns his own business and is an all around nice, solid person.

After a very fun night, I woke up friday feeling refreshed.

Following the date Thursday night with The Runner, came Friday night, in which I had plans to meet Mr. Nice Guy for late afternoon drinks.  We had good conversation and hung out for quite a while before he left for the shore and I headed home in a thunderstorm.  During our talks, we revisited Mr Nice Guy’s stance on not wanting anything serious. Needing some solitude to heal from his divorce. While I am sympathetic to the healing process and all too well understand that time that is needed, I am very disappointed to have met him now when he won’t give anything a chance past ‘not serious’.   I warned him that if we continued to hang out, I would eventually feel an attachment toward him and he would, undoubtedly feel an attachment toward me because I am so awesome.

So after a lovely evening with Mr Nice Guy, I woke up saturday feeling anxious and unsure.  Not knowing if things I said were too much or too little. Wondering what he was thinking. Wondering if he’ll change his mind and actually see where this goes.

This is when it hit home, yet again, that when I spend time with these ‘not serious’ guys, it just causes anxiety.  I’m hoping for something that isn’t going anywhere from the start.  And they are enjoying my company without any responsibility to give back.  As my close friend frequently tells me - be true to yourself and you’ll be a glowy person. I keep persuading myself I am badass and can deal with “not serious” when the truth is I’m sensitive and would like a companion, as it naturally unfolds. But spending time with someone when I know it won’t go anywhere only leads me to feel uneasy and in the end, rejected. So what’s the point?  

With Mr. Nice Guy I’ve taken the approach that I don’t make any forward moves, I’ve only accepted his invitation to hang out. But is that too much as well?  Seriously, what is the point? 

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