"Girlfriends high"

This weekend I celebrated my 34th birthday.  Hard to believe, I know. In fact, I’ve been contemplating beginning to lie and say I’m a mere 32 but given my journey is about self-acceptance that seems to be a bit off the path!

To kick off my birthday, I had dinner with four very dear friends from college.  To think, a few years ago the five of us would gather each week to watch The OC, fawn over Seth and Ryan and enjoy a veritable smorgasbord of Chinese food.  This year, as we all gathered at the table of a delicious french bistro, we sat down as working moms. Joking over the challenges that we face balancing the needs of head-strong toddlers with the needs of head-strong employers!  Underlying it all was a feeling of pride that we are ‘doing it all’.  It may not be easy and some days it may not be pretty but over pink champagne and french desserts, it certainly was rewarding and one day our kids will know how strong we are, that we made our own way and opened more opportunities for them.

After dinner we met up with some other friends at a bar for drinks and laughs. I spent the following day, the actual day of my birth, with my parents and Grace. A blissful day spent mostly outside, trying to fly a kite that said “for ages 9 and up” and we realized we may learn to fly by the time Grace turns 9. For now, we need to go with a simpler version!

I will admit, I had a few pangs of missing having “someone special” on my birthday but then when I looked around, I realized I celebrated in total with about 15 someone specials which makes me a very lucky girl.

One of the girls from college said it best, “I have been on a "girlfriends high" since Saturday...to the point where I didn't even have a case of the Mondays today.”

Rewiring

Apologies for the delay between posts, somehow life has been speeding up faster than I go!  Still keeping with my self-imposed nun-dom, I have been staying true to the ‘month of me’ and doing things that I enjoy. I thought this would be heart warming and rejuvenating, much like an episode of Oprah. But low and behold I found myself down in the dumps this week. If I’m spending my time solely on things I enjoy (excluding work), then how could I possibly have the blues?

After giving it some thought, I realized I still have the same story in my head that being alone equates to being unlovable. I’ve been feeling undesirable and well, like a downright loser deep down instead because I’ve been alone for awhile now. Odd to say but this is probably the longest I’ve gone without texting a boy (fess up, how often to you take a multi-week hiatus from texting the opposite sex?)  So although the evolved part of my brain is more fulfilled, more content, and very proud of me for spending some quality time with myself -- my deep dark insides still tell me it means I’m broken (or as Grace would say ‘bwooken).

Back to the hard work of rewiring what has been hardwired in for so many years and rewriting the story that I want to tell.  Good thing I have a blog to do just that!

What thoughts surprise you when you find they are hardwired in?

Hanging up my heart

It’s amazing how thankful you are for every little thing after you recover from being sick. I’m excited to walk out of the front door and breathe fresh air!  I got a new chair at work!  My daughter is proactively giving me kisses for no reason at all!

All in all, the week has been great because I’m happy to be back in civilization and spending time with friends.  The affirmations may be working because I’ve barely bitten my fingers for a week and the mantra of “I’m enough” has completely removed the burden of worrying about meeting someone - so I’m ‘hanging up my heart’.  

Enjoy this adorable song by Emmylou Harris and Rodney Crowell as they croon about the wisdom of picking yourself first.

Making a full recovery

I’ve finally made it out the other side of the stomach plague and am well on my way to making a full recovery, currently functioning at 90% which feels pretty awesome compared to last week!  I spent a blissful weekend with my high school best friend at a little inn in Amish Country, PA including a half day of spa treatments and a five-course meal at a fine dining restaurant. It was complete relaxation and I am starting this week feeling refreshed, if not a little famished from lack of food for the last 10 days!

Around course number three, I told my high school bestie that I’ve spent the last 2 years dating around, meeting many guy boys who were a lot of fun but now I realize that eye candy is a dime a dozen, as are bad husbands. Both readily available, neither of which I now have the time or patience for. I told her of my plan to back off dating for a while and she informed me that should she ever find herself to be single (she is a happily married mom), she would be too lazy to date, citing “I’d rather read and play video games.” To which I responded “Wait, what video games are you playing?” and she answered “None, that’s the problem!!”.  

On the topic of making a full recovery, I’ve received lots of positive support and encouragement for my new go-it-alone path a recovery in its own rite after years of turbulance and drama! To reinforce this even further, I came across the genius site called “Idatedthatdouche.com” - specifically this post entitled “The Perfect Guy Douche” which outlines much of what happened with The Runner and is great validation for the fact I got stuck on the ‘perfect’ part and overlooked the ‘douche’ part.

Lessons from single moms for all

Still out of commission from the stomach plague, I went to the doctor today who “barred” me from returning to work.. As I teared up, I informed her that:

a) only wimps don’t go to work for a week due to illness

b) I’ve spent an average of 20 mins a day with my daughter since I got sick.

She ritually absolved me from all “mom guilt” citing that letting Grace watch two episodes of Sesame Street back to back is ok because I don’t do it normally and right now is not a normal time.

The stomach plague has left me feeling deflated, personally and professionally (and physically!), as I’m used to functioning at 200% and I’m not feeling up to par right now.  As I came home to throw myself a pity party, I came across an article from Working Mother magazine: “Single Mom’s: The One and Only”.  The article bestows tips and survival techniques learned from single moms that any mom can benefit from to manage a demanding job, nurture a growing child, and maintain a functioning household.  Never has a truer line been written, “In a Darwinian sense, we have adapted to our environment and have evolved—by freakish fate—into a stronger species.”

In case you are like me and don’t have time to read the full article, here are the tips in short order:

Lessons from Single Moms

1. Broaden your idea of "right" and "wrong." It's liberating to realize how many choices you have once you start doing things your own way. Your family eats late? Great, you have family dinner. Your kid brings takeout for multicultural week? Cool. Doing what works for your family takes the pressure off and makes everyone—parents and kids—happiest.

2. Plan ahead. Have not just Plan B but Plans C and D on deck, too. This way, when things don’t go according to Plan A (and inevitably they won’t), you won’t feel like the entire ship is going down.

3. Make “me time” a must-do. Single moms know more than anyone else the truth in the saying, “Happy mommy, happy baby.” Even if you can’t get to yoga every day, taking 15 minutes to thumb through a magazine, soak in the tub or chat on the phone with a friend will do wonders for your mood and energy.

4. Make it simple. Instead of feeling guilty for taking the easy way out, realize how brilliant you are! When I send my son to school with the pre-made costume instead of having slaved over a homemade one for days, I look at the other moms and think, “Too bad for you—I got to watch Downton Abbey.”

5. Have lots of rituals. Pizza night, movie night, babysitter night. Knowing what’s happening, and when, frees up tons of bandwidth for you and makes things fun for kids.

6. Use the village. Even if you’re not the asking type, you’ll be surprised how much neighbors, colleagues and other kids’ moms actually enjoy helping people out. Let them!

7. Laugh out loud. Perfection is never funny; in fact, it’s boring. You want funny? Let things go wrong, and enjoy telling that story for years to come.

Derailed

Even the best of intentions can be derailed...by the Norovirus!  

Last week I went on the final date of the match.com series of guys and yet another non-fit.  All nice guys, none that click enough to move to a 2nd date. Oh well.

I came home from the date to wake up 2 hours later sicker than I’ve been in my life. I’m still in pajamas 3 days later while writing this (yes, I’ve showered). Nothing sidetracks enjoyment like a good ol’ stomach bug.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

- don’t eat ice cream when you have a stomach virus (previously I thought ice cream, was a cure-all. I was wrong).

- Fevers take your anxiety and magnify it like Alice in Wonderland eating the crazy cakes.  Holy scary stressful dreams!

What I don’t get:

- When you work so hard to try to find a little balance, why does the universe seem to conspire to stop it from happening?

What is really bugging me is that I’m trying to find this balance, and yet at a time when it seems like I’ve grown so much and am making sound choices, I feel more lost in myself than ever.  Why is that?

Taking back the Month of Me

The potential stand-up match date texted at the last minute to ask if we had plans to meet for drinks and informed me the weekend had “scrambled his brain”. He asked if I still wanted to meet. I said since I hadn’t heard from him, I assumed drinks were off. He asked if I wanted to meet up the next night at a less nice bar further from my house. I said no because I arranged to have Grace taken care of that night so I could go out but I was going to hang out with her the following night. He didn’t text back.  Who wants to go out with someone who texts at the very last minute to say “were we supposed to meet for drinks tonight?”  Very thoughtful.

The Salesman has been very nice to text back and forth with but after I was unavailable for a second date for 2 weeks, he asked if it was a bad time and said he wasn’t sure if I wanted to move forward with getting to know him. I appreciated his nudge to be honest, not only to him, but to myself. I told him that I’m feeling a lot of pressure with the transition to and demands from the new job. I’m not doing a good job of taking care of myself right now. And if you aren’t taking care of yourself, you certainly don’t have much to give to someone else.

Everyone says it takes time to get to know someone, but I believe there has to be a spark there that makes you look forward to seeing them again, not indifferent. And right now, I don’t have extra time to spend getting to know someone who I am not really interested in. It’s not to say I don’t want to date full stop, but I don’t want to spend precious free time getting to know guys that I only feel so-so with.

That being said, I have one more match date scheduled for tomorrow night which I am looking forward to because this guy spends his free time doing all of the things I wish I had free time to do!  And after that I am spending the weekend with Grace and hanging out with friends. That is where I should be - things that feel good for - me!

Disclaimer: after I told the Salesman it wasn’t a good time to hang out, I had to sanity check myself with a few friends. Either I’m making much healthier decisions or I’m losing my mind. There is always that small fear that tells me I’ll end up alone if I don’t take every opportunity to meet someone. Then there is the larger part that tells me if I don’t end up happy being by myself, it won’t matter who I meet because I won’t be ready to be with someone.

The sum is greater than the parts

Things that suck: 1) being stood up for a date 2) your sewer backing up in the front yard.  Things that don’t suck as much when combined together: Being stood up for a date you would have to cancel anyway because you can’t use the water when your sewer is backing up in the front yard.  Classic case of the sum being greater than the two separate parts!

I did have a match date schedule for tonight with a guy who seemed nice enough (though isn’t that how you always describe an impending first date?).  However, he mentioned he was going out saturday night and his destination is widely known as a date place (same place that I went on the first date with the Salesman!), so I had a hunch he was likely going out on a date. It is Monday evening tonight and we had previously agreed a venue for drinks but not a time and I have not heard from him since saturday so I believe this is classified under “stood up”.  Quite a relief though, as I just got done my first run in 4.5 months and I can’t take a shower until the sewer lined is fixed - funny how things work out!

I would like to state for the record though, that I have funny little OCD habits of putting things in a certain “right” order, for fear that putting them in any old chaotic order would lead to bad things happening. On the surface, this sounds irrational. However, I’ve held this “feeling” as a long-term belief.  Last night I relaxed and thought “everything is going pretty well” so I didn’t follow through with my specific ordering of things. Today I am stood up with a backed up sewer. Coincidence? Ok, you may be saying yes. But I am saying no!  

Most importantly, coincidence that it is the month of me and I don’t care one bit about the stand up?  Not at all!