Monday, June 30, 2014

Tinder Date #5 and 6

To follow up from ‘Creating an Opening’, the guy that I tried to create an opening to ask me out never did :( However, his loss is my good fortune because a few new ones entered on to the scene:

Tinder Date #5: Helicopter Guy - I went out for a drink with a very cute ex-Navy, now helicopter technician. We met last night, at a time later than what was comfortable for him (because of his early start to his next work day), but the only time I could meet was later on because it was my quality time day with Grace. He said that was much more important and agreed to meet later, which I greatly appreciated. When he walked in, he was much cuter than his pics (which were cute to start with) and he was incredibly nice. He has that midwest casual charm and is super chatty (even more than me which is hard to believe.) Quick witted and endearingly dorky (he says ‘anywho’ and it comes off cute!), I was thoroughly entertained the entire time. When we walked out, he leaned in for what I thought was a hug and stole a quick kiss. At first I thought “oh!”, then I thought “ooohhhhh!”  He texted me when he got home to say he had a great time and asked me out again, taking my first available day this week!

Tinder Date #6: Cancellation Guy: Last week I agreed to meet a data analyst for drinks this Tuesday. I thought he was worth the time & effort so I booked a babysitter and blocked my night.  The end of the week got crazy between work, taking Grace swimming in my mom’s newly opened pool, hanging out with friends and building in some much needed QT with myself!  As a result, emailing online-dating guys quickly dropped down my priority list. Last night he emailed and cancelled our date, saying that communication is key and it dropped off too much at the end of the week. I was really annoyed!  I booked a babysitter and agreed to leave Grace to meet this person for a drink - apparently that was not enough of a commitment!  I’m so glad he canceled because it would have been a waste of time. After looking back over our communication, I saw that it only lapsed for 36 hours when I didn’t write back to him, and if he’s going to freak out from a 36 hour lag in response from someone he’s never met - then he’s not someone I care to invest my time in.  Luckily, I still had the babysitter booked so when Helicopter Guy asked me out again, I had Tuesday night available!

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Creating an Opening

I’m still reading “It’s Just an F***ing Date” - and I will say it’s hands down the best dating advice I’ve ever read...and entertaining at the same time.

In the book, they make it clear that in their opinion, guys know they are supposed to ask girls out. So you shouldn’t have to ask out a guy out. However, they do encourage creating an opening (my phrase, not theirs, I can’t remember how they phrased it at the moment).  The example is something like “you don’t know this but a 5 minute window just opened in which if you ask me out, I am sure to say yes”. While I could never deliver that line in a bar face-to-face, I decided to try my own version online.

Though I have clearly been underwhelmed by the guys I’ve met on Tinder lately, I have been writing back and forth with a few guys who I would like to meet in person, but they haven’t asked yet.  One lives in the next town over, oversees construction project management, and looks super cute in his photos :) We’ve emailed back and forth for over 2 weeks and no ask...though he’s worked both weekends. I’ve noticed the conversation has slowed down so I wrote today and said “I know you’ve been busy overseeing your project lately. And I’m about to go to Florida to oversee the consumption of some fruity drinks on the beach for the weekend. But next week I am pretty sure I’m open for a cute project manager to oversee having drinks…”

I know, cheesy cheesy...but at least I made an attempt and can see how it is received.  There’s nothing to be lost, and perhaps some critical insight in how to refine my ‘game’ to be gained!

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Tinder Date #4

Tinder date #4 was a bust. He was really cute but no amount of cute could make up for the fact that he went on and on about his messy divorce. Need I say more?

Monday, June 16, 2014

Post-Date Texts

A lot rides on a post-date text. The first communication after you’ve hung out is critical to telling you (and him) how the date went and setting the tone for what comes next.

The Long Text
A friend told me that after a terrible first date (read: he asked if she liked to dress up in the bedroom), she received a text that scrolled off of the bottom of the screen.  I don’t care what that text says, any text that scrolls off the bottom of the screen is bad news. Either he’s needy, crazy and sending a manifesto, or much too aggressive for just having one date.  Needless to say, she didn’t see him again.

The Short Text
Everyone has received the nebulous phrase text. Like ‘it was nice to meet you’. It’s not enough information to confirm that the other person had a good time. It doesn’t hint if they want to hang out again. It is merely an acknowledgement that the evening took place.  The only thing this is slightly better than is the No Text….

The No Text
It is brutual when you don’t receive a text after a date. Is he trying to erase it from history? Pretend that it never happened?  Maybe he broke all of his fingers in a freak accident when trying to open his front door when he got home. That must be it...because it takes 2 seconds to acknowledge can’t be that he is just pretending the night never existed!

The 2 - 3 Sentence Text
The best text to get after a date is 2 - 3 sentences:
First sentence: acknowledging he had a great time
Last sentence: asking to hang out again (or referencing ‘next time’ but really, the optimal text includes an ask for a 2nd date)
Middle sentence (optional): referencing some inside joke that was shared on the date

The Let Down Text (patented by me)
Unfortunately, sometimes you are forced to send a text to let the other person down. Here is my 3 sentence secret sauce to doing so:
1. Thank him for the drink/date/night
2. Say something positive about him, such as “it sounds like you’ve had many great experiences in your travels”
3.  Give him the truth/wish him luck combo: “Unfortunately this isn’t a match, but I wish you the best of luck in your search”.

On my last 3 tinder dates, the post-date text outcomes were:
Date #1 - I received the 2 - 3 sentence text. I replied with the let-down text
Date #2 - N/A - with the ill father, there wasn’t really anywhere for this to go.
Date #3 - I received the 2 - 3 sentence text. I replied with a short text. I should have just womaned-up (I supposed that is the feminine version of manned up) and send the let down.

Let’s see what date #4 brings.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Tinder Dates #1, 2, and 3

As I mentioned - Tinder seems to be the easy way to meet new people.  I wish they had one for single moms to meet!  Anyway...I went out on 3 dates so far with a few more in the works.  To catch up on recent events:

Date #1: Super nice guy, seems to have a nice balance in his life, kid friendly….but zero attraction. I know, attraction can grow.  But let’s face it, sometimes it can’t.

Date #2: Super nice guy, I even agreed to have dinner! (I usually have a drinks-only rule when meeting someone for the first time).  Very easy to be around. But his father is sick, really sick, and he’s in a tough spot. So it may be nothing for now, but we have kept in touch a little bit.

Date #3: Know it all, gave parenting advice in the first 5 mins and spit a little when he talked.  

Date #4 is scheduled for tonight.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Maybe a Chip is Just a Chip - "Nonjudgemental Openness"

As I’ve been increasingly feeling guilty for the chip on my shoulder when it comes to meeting new guys & giving my time to them….this great weekly reminder from came via email.  I love this because it reminds me to accept where I am. I’m at a weird crossroads where I still want to meet someone but I don’t want to invest much until I know they are worth my time.  Am I being too stingy? Too picky? Maybe I shouldn’t judge and just be happy that right now I’m happy….just hanging out with me.  

June 11, 2014
Over time, as the thinking mind begins to settle [through the practice of meditation], we’ll start to see our patterns and habits far more clearly. This can be a painful experience. I can’t overestimate the importance of accepting ourselves exactly as we are right now, not as we wish we were or think we ought to be. By cultivating nonjudgmental openness to ourselves and to whatever arises, to our surprise and delight we will find ourselves genuinely welcoming the never-pin-downable quality of life, experiencing it as a friend, a teacher, and a support, and no longer as an enemy.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

A Chip on My Shoulder

An interesting thing happens when you start to spend time investing in yourself - you enjoy it!  You enjoy being alone, value your time, and look forward to more of it.

Whereas I used to constantly try to prove my worth to guys, I now go in thinking - why are you worth my time?  Prove that you are worth my valueable time.  As such, I have been going in to dates with a chip on my shoulder!  As if they are intruding on my precious personal time!  That they are asking too much of me to invest my time & energy in someone who I don’t even know.

I’ve been going along with it but trying to set some hard & fast boundaries. A first meeting with someone you meet online is not a date - it is drinks to find out if you want to have a first date. So no, I do not want to have dinner with you. And please don’t tell me you are looking forward to my company when you don’t know me. At best, you may be looking forward to meeting me (well obviously you are).  The instant accessibility that the internet affords you is creating a false sense of intimacy and guys seem to think that the first time we meet should be some big magical date - but it isn’t!  It’s merely the first time we meet!  Then if we hit it off, by all means, take me on a big, magical date!

Friday, June 6, 2014

Relaxing gradually and whole heartedly into the ordinary and obvious truth of change

In the blink of an eye I went from a blissful four months of enjoy the perfect job, to having a new boss, thereby threatening to change both the security and freedom that I’ve grown to love. I’ve been dreading this moment because I knew I was so happy having reached the perfect place for myself, that any change would surely bring disappointment.

I moped around the office yesterday, scared that this change would mean being locked down and pushed back into a tactical role.  So I took all of my anxiety home with me and opened up Pema Chodron’s “'The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times' (a gift from my own personal Little Buddha) and began reading. Almost immediately Pema spelled out how imperanance is the only permanent thing and that when we have a fixed identity it just makes us miserable. Going so far as to say that it makes us feel self important and even wronged when someone or something threatrens that self-importance.  Well….how could she say….wait...she’s right!  I was so wrapped up in the fixed idea of me as being the head of a marketing department in all of my creative glory, that I was resisting natural change….and a change that may bring even great opportunity.

Pema related a story of a man who thought his son was killed at war. He locked himself in his house to greive and refused visitors. A year later his son returned home, unharmed by the war. He repeatedly knocked on his father’s door and let him know he was alive but his father say sent the son away and said to leave him alone because he was grieving!  He was so set on his identity as a grieving father that he missed the fact he was still be a father.

I don’t want to miss something new that may come because I’m so set on who I think I am.  I wrote this down to re-read to myself during this time of transition:
“(Buddhist teachings) encourage us to relax gradually and whole heartedly into the ordinary and obvious truth of change.”

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Date How You Want To Date

In the book, “It’s Just An F***ing Date”, they talk about dating how you want (apologies if this is not phrased correctly, I don’t have my Kindle in front of me).  

Last week I started texting with a nice guy on Tinder. It even turns out we have a mutual friend. He seemed pretty cool and asked for drinks early on buy didn’t set a date. Then he got around to setting a date but had to reschedule because his family came in to town (that was true though…) so we left it for either Sunday or Wednesday.

Despite texting all afternoon/night saturday, Sunday rolled around and no word. And here we are on Wednesday and no word. Even if we were to text at this point, I could not reasonably agree to get together because this is not how I want to date.  Thank you book for helping me fight the urge to drop him a line to confirm plans, and instead let it flow and let it go, knowing this isn’t how I (want to) date.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Wanted: A new house...or ?

Nicely updated
Slight fixer-upper
Good foundation
Only minor customization needed

Is this the list of attributes that my best friend is looking for in a new house? Or the list for my next boyfriend?