My theory of resentment

Emoting

I really hate the word emoting. Some people call it as it is – yelling, crying, etc.  Shrinks classify it under a term “emoting" which seems to always sound taboo yet they assure us it is ok.  So why is it after you do yell, lose your temper or cry, you feel as if you’ve stepped out of bounds and done something wrong? So what, it means you actually care!!  I yelled at Chap when we were last together and I do not regret it because he pushed and pushed until it was too far – and that is what happens when someone is pushed too far.  Sometimes it is a response to intentional pushing, sometimes you have been pushed bit by bit over a long period of time until you are backed up against your own personal wall.  So you let some emotion out, you make some space – good for you!!

Resentment
Usually if you hit the point of yelling, losing your temper or crying, its because you’ve built up some resentment.  I can't really speak intelligently to what happens with resentment because I haven’t been in a relationship that has made it through the other side of a build-up of resentment. I know that feeling that you just don’t like the other person right now.  I certainly felt that way with my ex-husband, and I assume everyone feels that way at points in their relationship. But I don't really know – do you?  In general, my theory is that resentment builds up and has to be sorted out in order to 'unblock’ so that the 'like' can flow freely again. But that's just my theory, because my ex-husband wasn’t able to sort his resentment so he never unblocked. And he never helped sort mine, he just used it against me - so I never unblocked. But I am 99% sure that if you can sort through the resentment together, it becomes unblocked. That once you start sorting, it gets better and better and the positive feelings come back in once the negative blockers have been removed. 

Just my theory, I welcome yours!

Why I Love My New Job

I absolutely love my new job. Granted, it has been a week and two days which you may think is too early to judge, but at this point in my last job I was already miserable and it was evident it wasn’t a fit.

I have a big office where one wall is all windows. Because of the draft, my office is cold so I have an illegal space heater. Read: TONS of natural light along with the ability to keep the temperature at an even 80 degree all day. Heaven!

The office is sort of in a corner, a little off the beaten path so it is very quiet and calm. When I walk in my whole body says “ahhh” and I sit down and feel relaxed.

A short walk outside of my office lands me near some very happy, content and upbeat people. Not to mention fellow Villanova basketball fans!

For these reasons, I already love my new job.

Twitterpatted

The moment that those of us who came together to initiate a trip to the Nibakure Village in Rwanda was described at Twitterpatted. Owl’s word for when the heart is set aflutter in the movie Bambi.  This is a great way to describe, the moment your heart falls in love with something and you know that is the way you are supposed to go.

My heart is Twitterpatted easily. I sometimes describe this as a bad trait of mine because I have no walls and very few, if any, defenses. But deep down I don’t want it to change. Have a heart that is full of energy and hope and sees all things as the best possible version isn’t a bad thing. It just needs to be tempered with the head, else I set myself up for hurt or disappointment after getting carried away.

So how do you separate the Twitterpat-sation from what your head is telling you in pure logic?  In the Nibakure Village moment, my heart was leading me the right way.  However, I was also Twitterpatted with the Chap. And although it is over between us, we have stayed in touch and are trying to be friends. There is something in me that just doesn’t want to let go.  At first I was looking for the validation of being enough. But he apologized (which doesn’t change the damage that was done) and now it is past seeking validation. It is some sort of twisted hope that maybe one day things will be as I dreamed they would be - he would get over his trust issues, we would reunite and live happily ever after. It is such a silly dream from the heart. My heart still sees him, and many others, as the best version of himself. And because I see him that way, I assume he must be capable of being that way.  I assume this of everyone else too.  I’m sure this is what keeps me open to meeting new people and I’m sure this is a big reason why I can’t let go of people who take my energy without giving back.  When you give freely, it is important to remember to receive as well.

There is not an “aha” moment to share here, only the intention to find out to keep one’s heart open and hopefully without letting in those take too much without equitably giving.

Getting to the Truth

Little Buddha suggested today that as I heal from the experience with Chap, I would benefit from asking myself why did I give him another chance?  Why am I attracted to emotionally unavailable guys?  Upon reading the question, I knew the answer right away and I teared up (which is usually a clear sign you've gotten to the truth of the matter) - I'm seeking his approval. It's why I gave him a chance after it ended in December and it is why, even now, it hurts me that he isn't getting in touch (despite my very curt text saying “please do not contact me again” followed by “thank you for giving me space to heal” since I knew any further interaction would only make things harder) -- and why I really want him to issue an apology saying "it was me, not you”....even though I 100% know it was him, not me, I have this NEED to hear it from him. I need his approval.

When things ended in December, I sent him a few “closure” emails expressing my feelings about what had happened -- on some level, I knew I phrased these purposefully to make him regret losing me.  And it worked!!  He came back and said how great I was and how wrong he was -- and I gave him a second chance...which allowed the cycle of hurtful and groundless accusations to repeat. Because rather than being true to myself - I KNEW that he was not healthy - I let my NEED for his approval run my decision to give him a second chance. I could have said "wow that meant a lot but I'm not able to do this again because I need to focus my energy elsewhere".  Instead I felt victorious that it was validated that I was a good person.

It is amazing how we grow because...drumroll please...I'm not beating up on myself for this!!  Because you don't break a 30-year-long habit in a month or two.  So this is great practice, to refrain from contacting him to fill my need for his approval and instead choose the other path - the path where I stick to what is true in me, which is it was NOT my fault.  What I am exceedingly happy about is that I know 100% it was him - before I wouldn't even known, I would have always wondered what I could have done differently. So now it is down to kicking a bad habit and choosing a new path. And that is WAY easier than the work than what it took to learn I am ok.

Now I sit with the uneasiness of choosing a new path. It isn't comfortable. But boy does it feel brave.

I think I was misinterpreting much of the reading I’ve been doing about being comfortable with uncertainty.  I interpreted it as needing to change the truth in me. As if somehow I needed to adjust my truth to be able to live with uncertainty.

When really I think pretty much anything you read, from books to emails from friends (or replies to blog posts!) - gives you paths to what is true in you. Because it is so hard to get down to what is true. And it is hard to continue to return there time after time.  I do believe that as you practice being true to yourself, it comes easier and easier to get to that place. I think the point of mindfulness is to get to that place of truth.  Every time I’ve acted from that place, it has been the right decision and lead to the right things in my life for me. Being true to myself has never failed me.

Eat, Pray, Read, Write, Play, Love, Forgive - Heal

Things with Chap ended on a very painful note and I have healing to do.  I won’t get into the details of what caused the pain but I need to articulate for myself how to start healing.

I went to church today to pray/meditate and as soon as I sat down I started crying and saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry”.  So I realized the first thing I need to do is forgive myself.  I believed in someone and gave them a chance - to see if they would add more good to my life. When I saw the answer was no, I ended it and left. There is no shame in that. However, I have a tendency to assign guilt to myself for not seeing it more clearly from the start and for putting myself in a position to be hurt badly.

Once I changed my thoughts from “I’m sorry” to “Please help me heal”, I realized I need to eat. When I’m upset, the first thing that goes in my appetite, as it is replaced by unending nausea. I need to take care of myself, and good food is the first step.

I also realized I need to feed my soul. I need to meditate to introduce moments of quiet into all of the noise in my mind. Admittedly, this is the part where I am the worst. Everyone says “I’m not good at meditating” - that’s not what I mean. I don’t know if I’m good or not at meditating because I always find something else to be doing rather than sitting still and quieting my mind to see what happens!

Since I am still fighting for the discipline to get myself to sit still in silence, I find my meditation in a few other forms, the main one being reading. Gaining perspective by reading about the thoughts and experiences of others.

Soon Grace will be home and perhaps the most healing of all, we will play and I will soak in her laughter.  Without levity, what else have we got?

So in the end, all of these things are how I am loving to myself and will ultimately help me heal.

What do you do when you need to heal?

The Experience of Writing

After a bit of a stall, I recently picked up “Carry On Warrior: Thoughts on Life Unarmed” by Glennon Doyle Melton to finally finish this book - and wow - it never ceases to amaze me how Melton articulates thoughts that I was convinced no one else had.  When writing about her experience writing she says, “Reality and writing work together to create my memories, and the final result is that I remember things more beautifully than they actually happened.  Or maybe in writing them down, I'm able to see for the first time how beautiful they were".

Such an amazing insight and could not be truer of my experience!  So on that note, I am heading to visit Chap for a week and will likely not be able to post during that time, however I’m looking forward to writing down all of the beautiful insights, lessons and memories that become more vivid to me as I record them.

An Apology and Forgiveness

I’ve been feeling more and more nervous about if Chap and I can sustain and grow what we have.  It is obvious we both have strong feelings for each other, but the distance creates a big, ocean-sized obstacle.  And this makes his nervous.  Which in turn makes me nervous.  So I’ve been trying more and more to “helpfully” suggest options of ways to spend more time together.  Except I’ve had a sneaky suspicion that this was coming from my fear that the distance between us would be too much to overcome. And that my helpful suggestions were a disguised attempt at controlling the situation to have my desired outcome.

To be fair, it is all coming from a place of good intentions. That place where you know you both want the same thing and you want to do whatever you can to make it happen.  However, as much as I can claim that the intention to find a way to be together comes from a place of love, it is laced fear of not being together that is leading to so many “helpfully” controlling suggestions.  

As this realization hit, I felt awful. I immediately wanted to run to Chap and apologize for my transgressions.  But I stopped in my tracks and thought, how lucky is he to have me -- who cares so very much and who uses her super power of problem solving to figure out ways to make the distance a much smaller obstacle.  Why am I judging myself guilty of committing a terrible crime against him, when in each moment, I tried my best to clear my head and my heart and to act from love?  Even if those actions were still laced with fear, I attempted to act in the best possible way.

So I decided that an apology and forgiveness were needed, but in a different way: my apology to him is to trust that he is strong enough to find a way to make this work, if it is right.  And my forgiveness to myself is to not apologize outloud for something that I did the best I could at the time, with the best of intentions.

Exercising

Learning to keep love in my heart is a moment to moment exercise. And I mean the word exercise in its truest form - practicing over and over again until the muscle memory becomes stronger and more natural each time.

Currently I am in the transition between leaving my current job and starting a new job in two weeks time. Add to that I am visiting Chap for a week during my time off and it is the perfect storm of high anxiety caused by so much unknown - will my new job be a good fit? Will I have a clue as to what I’m doing in such a large, new role?  How will the vacation with Chap go?  When will we see each other again after this?  Is the distance going to be too much to handle? (to be fair, he worries about this more than I do, but when he hits the panic button, so do I!)

I find myself needing to take deep breaths and remind myself that everything is okay right now, in each moment.  There is a fantastic blog post on Tiny Buddha walks through “6 Tips to Help You Free Yourself from Your Fearful Thoughts”.  These are exactly the mental “exercises” I’m practicing to keep love in my heart. (I highly recommend reading the full blog post)

1. We need to realize that we truly are not our thoughts.

2. Understand it is not your fault that your mind is causing you such pain; it’s a product of evolution.

3. Use meditation and mindfulness throughout the day; learn to see the space between the real you—which is awareness—and the egoic mind, as its thoughts race by.

4. Identify the trance thoughts and emotions as they arise and name them.

5. Remember that it takes perseverance and practice, lots of it.

6. Each time you notice yourself in a state of negativity, use it as an opportunity to practice, to mindfully observe your thoughts with acceptance and compassion.

New Year - New Blog!

Welcome to the New Year!  2013 closed out with the most content Christmas and New Year’s that I’ve ever had.  Enjoyment of what surrounded me. It was a great way to bring in 2014.

I’ve been thinking about what an appropriate resolution is for 2014, after so much growth in 2013.  I came to this: Have love in my heart.  A wise woman said when there is love in your heart, there is no room for fear - and this has rung true throughout my life. So rather than focus on small things that I’d like to change, I resolve to keep love in my heart and to let all things flow from there.

You might be wondering why the title of this post is about a new blog? Simply because after years of working on “Becoming Wonder Woman”, I finally have love for myself in my heart, and that is all that is needed for “Being Wonder Woman”, so going forward, the blog will be about the experience of Being Wonder Woman (a new logo will follow as soon as my angel of a graphic-designer friend has time to design it for me :)

I’ve written about the many experiences I’ve had trying to find my path. And I believe I am finally on my path...for whatever that means, and wherever it leads, I’m on the path of being true to myself. Now the blog will be about the experiences along the way, insights gleaned and lessons learned from encounters while on my path of Being Wonder Woman.