Friday, January 17, 2014

Getting to the Truth

Little Buddha suggested today that as I heal from the experience with Chap, I would benefit from asking myself why did I give him another chance?  Why am I attracted to emotionally unavailable guys?  Upon reading the question, I knew the answer right away and I teared up (which is usually a clear sign you've gotten to the truth of the matter) - I'm seeking his approval. It's why I gave him a chance after it ended in December and it is why, even now, it hurts me that he isn't getting in touch (despite my very curt text saying “please do not contact me again” followed by “thank you for giving me space to heal” since I knew any further interaction would only make things harder) -- and why I really want him to issue an apology saying "it was me, not you”....even though I 100% know it was him, not me, I have this NEED to hear it from him. I need his approval.

When things ended in December, I sent him a few “closure” emails expressing my feelings about what had happened -- on some level, I knew I phrased these purposefully to make him regret losing me.  And it worked!!  He came back and said how great I was and how wrong he was -- and I gave him a second chance...which allowed the cycle of hurtful and groundless accusations to repeat. Because rather than being true to myself - I KNEW that he was not healthy - I let my NEED for his approval run my decision to give him a second chance. I could have said "wow that meant a lot but I'm not able to do this again because I need to focus my energy elsewhere".  Instead I felt victorious that it was validated that I was a good person.

It is amazing how we grow because...drumroll please...I'm not beating up on myself for this!!  Because you don't break a 30-year-long habit in a month or two.  So this is great practice, to refrain from contacting him to fill my need for his approval and instead choose the other path - the path where I stick to what is true in me, which is it was NOT my fault.  What I am exceedingly happy about is that I know 100% it was him - before I wouldn't even known, I would have always wondered what I could have done differently. So now it is down to kicking a bad habit and choosing a new path. And that is WAY easier than the work than what it took to learn I am ok.

Now I sit with the uneasiness of choosing a new path. It isn't comfortable. But boy does it feel brave.

I think I was misinterpreting much of the reading I’ve been doing about being comfortable with uncertainty.  I interpreted it as needing to change the truth in me. As if somehow I needed to adjust my truth to be able to live with uncertainty.

When really I think pretty much anything you read, from books to emails from friends (or replies to blog posts!) - gives you paths to what is true in you. Because it is so hard to get down to what is true. And it is hard to continue to return there time after time.  I do believe that as you practice being true to yourself, it comes easier and easier to get to that place. I think the point of mindfulness is to get to that place of truth.  Every time I’ve acted from that place, it has been the right decision and lead to the right things in my life for me. Being true to myself has never failed me.

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