“There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.”

I saw this post on Facebook this week, “There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.” – Don Miguel Ruiz

This rings true for my week, both professionally and personally. How much easier would it be to give candid feedback if you stayed focus on the goal or outcome and didn’t take the process personally?  Definitely much easier to receive feedback!

With The Pace Setter – wow did I take that personally. Even though I knew he was a Class A Jerk, I still had doubt creep in that many I should have been different.

And even still now with The Chap, once a day I still wonder why he hasn’t gotten in touch. Sometimes I want to reach out and then I replay all of the awful things he said and remember he hasn’t earned my friendship. Even now, he hasn’t reached out himself to make amends and true to earn the friendship he claimed to want.  And still I internalize it and take it personally, as if maybe I’m not worth the effort, instead of remembering that he is weak and weak, unreasonable people don’t like to admit they are weak & unreasonable, usually the just run away to find someone weaker who will indulge them.

So my wish for all of you for the upcoming weekend is to take nothing personally and enjoy the freedom!!!

Seeing What You Want to See vs. Seeing What is There

After the quick crash and burn with the Pace Setter (i.e. finding out he was a jerk in a self-proclaimed good-guys disguise), I've been hit doubly hard with the fallout from what happened with Chap. Why did I let it go so far? Why do I focus on the potential and what I want to see, and neglect what I'm really seeing?

This absolutely fantastic blog post on Tiny Buddha sums it all up: Stop Attracting Unhealthy Relationships: 3 Promises to Make to Yourself

I highly recommend checking it out - a quick read that is spot on!

Sticking with the checklist

Here’s what happens when I meet a guy: I WANT him to have potential. So even if there are several areas that he falls short of my ideal, I tell myself that’s ok because he’s “just being a guy”.

Example A: The pace setter in the previous post did 3 things: worked, went to the gym, went out with friends.

Example B: When I asked the pace setter’s friends what things they did, they looked at me with a blank stare and said: work, go to the gym, go out. 

I made this ok in my head because “he’s just being a guy”.

Here’s are the qualities that I really want:

-  -        Smart

-   -      Funny

-   -     Kind

-    -    Caring

-   -     Generous

-    -    Has interests, preferably including something cultural

-     -   Reads

-      -  Is continually seeking to learn more/grow

-       - Can hold a conversation that dips below surface level topics

So why do I so easily abandon this list and convince myself that someone who has 1 or maybe 2 of these qualities may be “potential”?  Seems like it is time for a change – time to start evaluating a guy using logic and not just heart.

The Pace Setter

In relation to my earlier post, it wasn’t just worrying that something was off – something really was off.  A guy from match.com asked me out 3 times in one week, made plans for an additional date and then the night before the date texted me to say he’d love to be friends but it was “too much, too fast”. WTF – he set the pace?!  I asked him to tell me straight out what was up since we had a good time together and he stuck to his story that he’s just too busy right now.  Several pieces of evidence do not support his story, so I have concocted a few likely scenarios of what happened, though we may never know:

A)     He asked me out so many times so quickly because he couldn’t get enough of me and he realized he wasn’t ready to fall head over heels for an amazing girl so he ended it before it could further consume him. 

B)      He met another girl on match.com because someone with substance, interests and a beautiful daughter was too much good to handle.

C)    He’s gay.

Either way, I am relieved to find out he’s a bit screwed up earlier than later so I’m happy the 3 dates were done in a week rather than dragging out over 3 weeks.  Adios jerk!

An Anomaly

Why is it that when you first meet a guy and you aren’t sure if you are in to him, you want him to stay back and give you some breathing room? You are sure something must be wrong with him because he’s contacting you too much.  Then, once you decide you like the guy, you become paranoid that he’s not into you. You are sure something must be wrong because he’s not contacting you enough.

Does anyone else experience this anomaly?

Resolution for No Resolution

I typed up an entire email to Chap essentially saying that I’d like him to make amends for taking my feelings for granted and for saying such awful, unfair and untrue things about me. He never gave a true, deep apology because after the last blow up happening, I left and asked him not to contact me again. It says a lot that I was so scared that I felt the need to just flat out leave. I didn’t give him room to say anything and after it calmed down a bit, he said he was respecting my wish for space to find closure.  Yet, in doing so, I am left with that need for vindication. Exactly as the Tiny Buddha article wrote. 

I kept picturing him feeling SOOO awful for how he acted that, despite my request for space, he would reach out and issue a deep, thorough apology, admitting to all of his wrong-doings.  How could he just walk away after he made such a disaster of things?  So I typed up an entire email for him, clearly stating my case for why I am owed amends, and THANKFULLY, I did not address it, but rather saved it in drafts until the wave of strong emotion washed over and I could see clearly what I was looking for.  I want to feel good again.  That is what I was looking for. 

I re-read the Tiny Buddha article “How To Move On When You’re Hurt and Waiting for Closure” to find the motivation to ‘save to drafts’ rathe than send, and this line popped out:

However, in looking for this type of closure, we are often giving away our power. We’re saying, “I cannot move past this experience until…”
What we actually desire is an internal, emotional shift. We want to feel better!

That is exactly what was driving me and I didn’t want to give one more ounce of power away to someone who has done nothing to deserve it. I don’t need someone who is broken and cray cray to tell he me is sorry. I need to forgive myself for letting him into a position where he was able to hurt me so badly and let the strong waves of emotion pass until one day they aren’t that strong anymore…and then poof – he is gone altogether.  I am coming to a resolution to be ok with no resolution.