“I see you making sure no one can see you yet and there must be a darn good reason for that.”

Upon reading Monday’s blog post, Little Buddha sent this note:

“I don’t see anyone rejecting you.  I see you making sure no one can see you yet and there must be a darn good reason for that.  You are an exceptional person, you have the ability to see more than I think you even know.  Even though if feels like you are unloved, I think, in this incredible way, you know none of them are worth inviting in quite yet.

This house you are building, it’s just not finished yet and why have some stranger come in and take over renovations when they have done none of the work to get it where it’s at now?  When you are done is when you will be open to visitors and only then will you be ok sharing in what you’ve built.”

She brings up an interesting point, I am not letting anyone really see me.  And she’s right that the house is not yet finished.

So that brings up the question - to date or not to date while you are working on yourself?  I took a break for a couple days from online dating but I gave in and went right back out there and have another date lined up this week (Plan A was to take off for at least a month).  However, I decided this time will be on my terms - no more saying yes because I think it is the right thing to do. There has to be a reason that I WANT to meet the guy. Nice and average is not a reason. Substance and interest is.

The catch 22 remains though - Do I stop dating while I build the rest of the proverbial house? Yet I’m too scared to stop dating because it feels like I’m not moving forward.

I’ve read tons of articles about people who stopped dating and focused on finding themselves, only to have true love arrive at the end (my fav is this one published on Tiny Buddha, “Love Shows Up When You Do”).  However, it is fair to say working on myself is an ongoing process, not something I pause to do. My life is neither empty nor incomplete. In fact it feels fuller than ever after the last 3 years of being on my own.

Can you date and build your house at the same time?  Can you focus on yourself while learning from others along the way?  Is dating merely the nails that helps to put things in place in your house until you are ready for a true visitor?

So my answer is this: Live fully. Learn as you go. Maybe a companion will come along when the time is right.

Seeing What You Want to See vs. Seeing What is There

After the quick crash and burn with the Pace Setter (i.e. finding out he was a jerk in a self-proclaimed good-guys disguise), I've been hit doubly hard with the fallout from what happened with Chap. Why did I let it go so far? Why do I focus on the potential and what I want to see, and neglect what I'm really seeing?

This absolutely fantastic blog post on Tiny Buddha sums it all up: Stop Attracting Unhealthy Relationships: 3 Promises to Make to Yourself

I highly recommend checking it out - a quick read that is spot on!

Stop Seeking Closure and Extract Him Already!

Fantastic post on the Tiny Buddha blog about “How to Move on When You’re Hurt and You’re Waiting for Closure". The author, Maria Moraca has a great job explaining the need we have for closure and how that perceived need can hold us back from moving on. This is exactly how I feel about Chap, I keep hanging on to the idea that I’m owed a more formal apology and want vindication for the way in which he shorted me in our time together.  She also provides actionable steps to help let go of the need for closure and to find closure on your own.

I can’t help but be reminded on the scene in the latest Wolverine movie where the evil mutant doctor implants a robotic spider that sucks Wolverine’s super power to heal out of him. In an attempt to save his own life from the robotic life-sucker, Wolverine reaches into his chest and painfully extracts the intruder from his heart.  This is akin to how I feel about Chap, that I need to forcibly extract him from my heart before I incur any more damage.

Exercising

Learning to keep love in my heart is a moment to moment exercise. And I mean the word exercise in its truest form - practicing over and over again until the muscle memory becomes stronger and more natural each time.

Currently I am in the transition between leaving my current job and starting a new job in two weeks time. Add to that I am visiting Chap for a week during my time off and it is the perfect storm of high anxiety caused by so much unknown - will my new job be a good fit? Will I have a clue as to what I’m doing in such a large, new role?  How will the vacation with Chap go?  When will we see each other again after this?  Is the distance going to be too much to handle? (to be fair, he worries about this more than I do, but when he hits the panic button, so do I!)

I find myself needing to take deep breaths and remind myself that everything is okay right now, in each moment.  There is a fantastic blog post on Tiny Buddha walks through “6 Tips to Help You Free Yourself from Your Fearful Thoughts”.  These are exactly the mental “exercises” I’m practicing to keep love in my heart. (I highly recommend reading the full blog post)

1. We need to realize that we truly are not our thoughts.

2. Understand it is not your fault that your mind is causing you such pain; it’s a product of evolution.

3. Use meditation and mindfulness throughout the day; learn to see the space between the real you—which is awareness—and the egoic mind, as its thoughts race by.

4. Identify the trance thoughts and emotions as they arise and name them.

5. Remember that it takes perseverance and practice, lots of it.

6. Each time you notice yourself in a state of negativity, use it as an opportunity to practice, to mindfully observe your thoughts with acceptance and compassion.