You’re money baby!

I hung out with The Dad this week and post-date the same wave of doubts ‘did I say the wrong thing’, ‘was there food in my teeth’, etc etc set in. After not receiving a post-date text (nor one this next morning) letting me know he had a good time, I started to worry that while I had a really good time, perhaps he didn’t share the same experience!  I replayed the evening over and over, looking for any possible moment where I may have mis-stepped, costing me that reinforcing, precious post-date text. 

After spinning possibilities in my head for far too long (which longer than 5 mins is technically ‘far too long’ to spend doubting yourself post date), I thought of my friend, affectionately known as Double Down (as his dating advice is largely derived from the philosophical wonder ‘Swingers’).  Double Down has acted as a pretty stellar dating coach in the past, and I knew exactly what he would say: You’re money baby!  In Swingers, Mikey spent the whole movie pining over an ex-girlfriend, questioning his confidence, his value, & his smoothness.  In the end, he finally got his confidence back and as a result he got the awesome girl (and let go of the annoying ex).  

Such a timeless lesson (and thank God it was recorded in film for all to study, as my friend insisted that I do) - it isn’t about what the other person thinks or doesn’t think. It is about being yourself and knowing that is money, baby!

Crazy is as Crazy Does

After a month of getting to know Aquaman as friends, I’ve sadly come to realize that he is in such a bad spot right now that nothing more can come from this.  I have made many excuses for guys who were ‘not whole’ (to be politically correct) in the past and I can’t afford to do so anymore.

Need to call it as it is!  Once you know what a person is capable of, regardless of life circumstance, can that really change?  Even when you go through hard times, you know what you are or are not capable of, it’s in the fabric of who you are.  I don’t want to hang with guys who are capable of being crazy!

Which brings me to the bigger picture of this - are all guys crazy? Is it the case that the 20-somethings are just too young to commit (or as a generation, are approaching life as non-committal across the board) and the 30-somethings who have not been married can’t be in a relationship because they’ve developed a trait or habit that is relationship-inhibiting (most commonly that trait is known as ‘enormous ego’ as they’ve deemed themselves too good to be with anyone but a 25 year old swimsuit model)?!?  

As the weather warms up, I’ve been spending my time outdoors and focused on Grace. She is, by far, the coolest person I know (under 3 ft. tall) and pure joy to be around. Maybe Mr. Not-Crazy-Able-To-Commit-While-Still-Having-A-Personality-And-Hot-Body may pop up one of these days but until then I’ll spend my time on things that are pure joy!

ps Dear Mr. Not-Crazy-Able-To-Commit-While-Still-Having-A-Personality-And-Hot-Body - feel free to show up soon, as I need a suitable escort to my birthday festivities next month!

The wisdom of George Michael

"Before this river becomes an ocean,
Before you through my heart back on the floor.
Oh baby I reconsider my foolish notion,
Well I need someone to hold me, but I’ll wait for something more.
Yes, I’ve gotta have faith…"

Since starting this blog, I have been making really great decisions. I have moved away from the Twinkie, because we all know Twinkie’s aren’t healthy for you. I am building a friendship with Aquaman (more to come), and continuing to meet new people.  That being said, it is definitely hard each day to “have faith” and turn down the ‘sugar decisions' in order to make the healthy decisions to build toward what I really want (rather than what is yummy right now!).

This weekend I had dinner/drinks with Aquaman. As just friends, it is really great hanging out.  It is easy to be open and honest about where we are each at (healing) and there is no pressure to say the ‘right’ thing or to be cool (thank God because I totally crack under the pressure to be ‘cool’).  The more I get to know Aquaman, the more sense he makes to me and the more comfortable I am. 

I also hung out with a friend of a friend; we’ll call him ‘the Dad’. He’s older than I am and has 2 kids who are in high school. He dedicated his life to being a dad but also spent quality time figuring out who he is and developing his interests. He was funny, nice, smart, and solid.  Looking forward to hanging with him again.

So although in George Michael’s apropos words ‘Well I need someone to hold me, but I’ll wait for something more.” – I am having faith and waiting for something more, not diving into to the first dessert that will be instant gratification J

PS – Cheshire Cat got in touch this weekend. And you will be happy to know that after a very short exchange, I blew him off. I had nothing left to say to him. He asked about getting together and I let it go because he didn’t materialize over 6 months of ‘let’s hang out’s’ so why would I waste my time now?  It is a great feeling to know that he can no longer get to me….because I’m far too strong to him, even in my superhero infancy.

Preventing the 'crazy girl' moment

I’ve mentioned a few times that I’ve been hurt by a certain Twinkie who claimed to want to be friends above all else. So with that understanding, I opened up to him at one of my most vulnerable times and let him in, as I would a close friend. Only to have him pull back and put light years of space between us for reasons unknown.

This has been eating at me because I took that to mean I’m not worth much if he couldn’t even put the thought it to say ‘hey, how are ya doing?’ once in a while.  So after much fixating over this, I was all worked up and ready to ask the “WTF” question - WTF is going on?  Why say one thing and do another?  WTF are you thinking?!?!

At this moment, I had 2 options:
A)  give in to the moment of ‘girl crazy’ and blurt out a stream of WTF questions: ya know, where you are all riled up and set on getting a reaction, any reaction, without actually knowing what you want out of the conversation
or
B) Stop and ask myself a few key questions to prevent aforementioned crazy girl moments!

While A is as appealing as eating a cupcake in 2 quick bites - feels good going in, makes you sick right after -- I opted for plan B, which is about as appealing as eating a carrot but it much more healthy :)

It goes a little something like this:

• Is there an answer that I don’t already know?  No, probably not
• Is any answer provided going to make me feel better?  No, it will just prolong getting past him
• Is it time to just say ‘I don’t know the answer’ and is that good enough?  Yes!!  Because I don’t know need to WHY he is acting this way, all I need to know is that it isn’t good enough for ME.  

Somehow this thought process helped me break the habit of seeking validation/approval from the other person. Maybe it will work for you next time you are confronted with a WTF crazy girl moment too!

Roll the credits!!

For this week, I have been challenged to keep a list of things I deserve credit for (with the going theory that I only keep a mental list of things that I’m at fault for...which is pretty much everything).  So I encourage anyone reading this blog and to share what they deserve credit for this week in the comments section - feel free to come back and add more).  Here are a few that I put on my list:

• Making my friends laugh
• Not chasing after or further investing in anyone who is not investing back (ahem, Twinkie).
• Continuing to build a better life even though I feel like throwing down the shovel and taking a nap for a few weeks!
• Fixing my mother’s remote control (everything counts on the ‘deserve credit’ list)
• Writing a witty blog?!?  haha
• Making a healthy choice at lunch (if you know about my eating habits, then you know this is not small feat)

What do you deserve credit for? Keep the credits rolling!

Juxtapositive

I’d like to report new and exciting adventures however at the moment I am stuck in a bit of juxtapositive state along the path to becoming Wonder Woman (yes, I made up the word Juxtapositive).  You can’t short cut your way to Wonder Woman status, nor can you speed up a healing process (that unfolds in it’s own time). So for right now, it is a melancholy juxtapositive feeling:

• The sad feeling arrives each day when I think about the life I dreamed of that is now gone. Along with relief is underpins the sad, knowing that the negative aspects that would have eventually destroyed me are also gone.
• Focusing on building, planning and putting things in place to fill Grace’s & my life with joy. Along with not yet being in a place where I can feel that joy.
• Relief that the anxiety of dating is gone now that I’m flying solo for a while.  Along with missing the companionship of having someone consistently around*

*Footnote: I was once told I should call people jerks more often when they deserve the title, as I frequently will be 'overly-understanding toward them. Well, to the one who said being friends was his top priority, you are a jerk!**

*Footnote to the footnote: Communication with the Twinkie has dwindled to nothing. Thus qualifying him as a  jerk under the category  ‘sends mixed messages’.  Please ping me if you need help with jerk category classifications.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

It’s been a trying week with the departure of my mentor and friend from my place of employment. The general feeling of isolation continuing to persist every day. And who knew - after you stop dating someone it actually hurts for a while!  I got by this week with a little help from my friends....

I thought because I knew I shouldn’t be/didn’t want to be dating Twinkie, that meant  that I was ok with it and would move on. I didn’t realize you still feel the hurt and disappointment of the relationship you had hoped for and the glimpse of having a companion that made the isolation melt away, at least for a time.  My friends helped put this in perspective with the sage advice of “it hurts - duh!” and said “time will make it better”.  Man...I’m so tired of waiting for time to make things better because it does not move nearly as fast as I would like it to!  Anyway, very thankful for my friends giving me perspective and helping to break the fixation on whatever happened or did not happen with the Twinkie.

And as for the isolation, as one amazing friend - Super Mom (yes, there is a Super Mom) said, learning to be alone and learning that does not mean you are unlovable or unwanted is what will ultimately bring the title of Wonder Woman. Learning that not only are you ok alone but are actually really great all on your own.  She pointed out that experiences will mean so much more because I will have done the hard work to build my foundation and the life that will flow from it.  I am very grateful for her perspective.

Lastly, the departure of my mentor and close friend from our workplace.  She has been endlessly supportive, opened my eyes to things inside of myself that I didn’t even know where there, built up my confidence in areas that I didn’t think I had anything to offer, showed me my potential and that I have the ability to fulfill it.  Words can not express the impact she has had on my life and I will forever be grateful for having her as a friend (and mentor).

In the “Wonder Woman did good” move of the week - I told Aquaman that he was a little too intense too fast and it was freaking me out and suggested we get to know each other as friends. He was very happy with this suggestion and it has been nice slowly getting to know him since.  6 months ago I never would have bent myself inside and out to fit the situation rather than acknowledging the situation isn’t a fit for me.  Go WW!

Make that island your paradise!

One that that I suspect is common across many single moms (or single people in general) is the feeling of being on an island. This is one I struggle with on a daily basis. Feeling disconnected. As if the pressure of the world is on me to keep things running smoothly while being isolated from everyone else.

Date with Aquaman Friday night went ok. He has all of the characteristics that I am looking for in someone (which does not make him Mr. Right but at least puts him in the ‘candidate’ category).  However, I was uneasy that whole night - I was caught somewhere between the pressure of a first date and feeling so vulnerable right now that I’m too scared to move for fear someone will easily be able to hurt me again.  However, after the date I decided I’d like to go out with him again to see what might be there because fear is not a reason to hold yourself back from anything.

But....then on Saturday and Sunday, Aquaman attempted a couple of ‘flirty’ texts along the lines of ‘i miss you’ which completely freaked me out. I said as much as well - too intense, scare easily. Trying to give him the signal to back off.

I was so disappointed because I felt hopeful meeting someone who actually fell in the candidate category only to find his level of intensity to be too much too fast. Which landed me right back on the island. The feeling that there isn’t someone out there for me, it’s going to be Grace and I against the world for ever.

And then I was reminded to make that island my paradise!   After all, I called Time Out to focus on me.  To make my island a paradise of things that I love. Starting with fun with Grace, including running, spending time with loved ones, writing, reading = taking care of myself.  

So as for Aquaman, if he can slow his pace down to match mine then maybe we can hang out again and see what is there. He is a very unique person and I was looking forward to getting to know him better.  But if he can’t, that this is not a fit.  Either way, my energy needs to be directed into making that island a paradise and not into looking to someone else to make it a paradise for me.

Countdown to midnight

Date with the guy from the bar last weekend (known as Aquaman) is tonight!

From Little Buddha - the supportive, endless wise, pint-sized Buddha

I think you are going to have fun tonight.  Doesn’t sound like you have to do too much work either.  I’m glad you are looking forward to it.  When/if he says something that scares you, try to make a mental note to smile.  The act of smiling when fear is present is kind of like holding the cross up to the devil.  You don’t have to feel the smile, just physically do the act of lifting the corners of your mouth.

No expectations right?  And I don’t mean regarding him.  No expectations on yourself.  Be yourself, not who you think everyone else wants you to be.  You really are an incredible person Diana.  You’ve been a true friend, you’ve taught me things I never would have seen just by being willing to look at yourself.  You are incredibly brave…a true Warrior.  You didn’t crumble and complain through all this, you fought every single day!  Even when you swore you were giving up, it was clear you were fighting harder.  You fought for yourself and in turn you fought for everyone around you, especially your daughter.  An angel can only make an angel. : )

You fear, as we all do, but not too many people out there are willing to put it out there to their friends.  You trusted your friends and in turn gave us all something so valuable and priceless in return.  You give unconditionally and you always give someone the benefit of the doubt where most people judge and dismiss.  You have a heart so big, you can’t even see it. : )  These are not words to make you feel better.  I suck at lying.  What I am saying is we’re all lucky to have you as a friend, mother, daughter, coworker, manager and so on.

So, trust you “intuitive warrior-ness”.  Trust the same intuitiveness you trust when you meet a friend.  Trust yourself to be yourself, be confident that you are a good person and if someone doesn’t see that, they are not good for you.  Most are good people, but that doesn’t always make them good for “you”.  You are good for you.  It’s as simple as that.

Have fun, play a little tonight, smile each time you feel fear creeping in - this is a great test because you are not invested. : )  You deserve some unconditional, I don’t give a sh*t, play in the mud, fun!

To Little Buddha’s unconditional fun point, Bestie Liz has informed me I am not to worry, fret, or feel fearful tonight - tonight is for fun. After midnight, she has assured me we will reassess and hash out all of my fears, rational or not. But tonight is for fun!

What do you really want?

It hurts when someone you care about suddenly changes tracks and pulls back. You don't know why. Personally, I tell myself it must be because of me. Well, I'm tired of telling myself that. And tired of letting someone elses actions make me feel bad. Tired of analyzing why they are acting the way.

So I asked myself what do I really want?  Do I really want this person to go back to acting as before so as to relieve my anxiety over why their behavior suddenly changed?  No because that is a band aid. That is feeding the addiction of basing my worth on another person. Screw that!

What I want for myself is to know that I’m ok regardless of what is going on with someone else. To feel confident enough in who I am that if someone else changes tracks I won’t take it personally because I’m living my life.