10 Dating Things I Don't Give a F*ck About Anymore

1. How many times you go to the gym each week. I don't need to know that you go to the gym virtually every day because a body is only going to last for a finite amount of time but if you can't make me laugh, then we are really fucked in old age.

2. Being asked how often I work out. I don't care that maybe I get to the gym twice on a really over-achiever week.  I may be thin now but it is deceptive, it is 'stress fit' - i.e. not earned through hours of pumping iron but rather hours of chasing around my daughter and worrying about how to be the best parent, employee, boss, daughter, friend and all around human being that I can be.

3. How good you think/want me to look in 'jeans or a black dress.' Odds are if I'm wearing mascara, I've both made a concerted effort and am already physically uncomfortable. Just be happy I didn't show up in my 15 year old sweatshirt and jammy pants.

4. Figuring out what to order at a restaurant. Does the menu offer hot food that someone else prepares? Then I'll take two. I don't give a fuck what you think about my eating habits. I'm happy to not make nor consume mac n cheese for one night.

 

5. "Hanging out"  I like to go out on dates. I don't want to "hang out"' with you. I "hang out" with my friends so if I wanted to "hang out" with someone, I would be "hanging out" with one of them.

6. Waiting for someone to text.  You wanna act like you don't like me? Maybe you 'aren't that into me' - its totally cool but I don't want to sit around waiting for your texts or last minute invitations to "'hang out." I could better use that time binging on Netflix.

7. What my friends think of online dating, News flash to everyone who hasn't dated after the year 2003: everyone is online in 2016, get over it. My success rate of losers to good guys is the same in a bar versus online. It's not about the place of meeting, it is about the substance of the person on the other side.

8. Wearing the same pair of jeans twice in a row. That's right, I double up on my jeans. That one pair that fits perfectly and doesn't feel like I'm being constricted in a torture chamber. I'm going to wear the shit out of them. And I don't care if you wear the shit out of your guy-equivalent jeans either.

9. How well you played in your last game of golf.  No really, I don't give a fuck about your golf game.  I am interested in your cooking skills though...

10. Making last minute plans. Oh, it is Thursday at 3pm and you just realized you have nothing to do tonight so you want to "hang out" with me? I don't fucking care that you are unable to plan ahead, because I make big-girl plans and am busy!  If you want to go on a date, ask me ahead of time and I'll pencil you in.

 

(in response to the genius piece, "20 Things I Don't Give a F*ck About Anymore")

Do actions really speak louder than words?

Following the “do you like me” conversation held last week with the Runner, I became more keenly aware of less sugar-sweet texts telling me how much he wants to hang out (lots) and what a good time he had with me (very). Instead they have been replaced with more of the silent, expected security of ‘no news is good news’. The best interpretation that I have is that after each date, a girl wants to hear “I had a great time. Nope, I haven’t changed my mind” whereas the boy provides next to nothing in terms of feedback, assuming 'great time' is implied.

Feedback for girls is crucial. It’s our air. It’s how we know if we picked just the right outfit or if anyone else is noticing that we are having an exceptionally good hair day. Feedback is a key part of how we build our sense of security.

Feedback for boys is a ‘nice to have’. Not necessary to feel valued. Not necessary to provide because they showed up and that is enough.

After a weekend of very little feedback, I found myself wondering do actions really speak louder than words?  An afternoon hike followed by a walk with Grace yielded no feedback of the positive or negative variety. But Sunday evening brought a text asking when I was free this week and by Monday morning, plans were set to hang out. He’s making plans ahead of time. Ensuring our schedules are synced.  He planned the hike and takes care of details so I have a worry-free time.  Maybe I’m looking for security in the wrong form of communication. He may not lavish me with make-you-blush compliments, but he is consistently there. And that’s more than I can say for most.

Seriously Not Serious

I received a phone call from Mr. Nice Guy two days after he returned home from guys weekend. Not a text, not a telegraph - an actual phone call to converse about weekend antics and weekly plans to come. It was lovely.  Then I saw him last night. We had drinks on a deck at the shore. Dimly lit, soft breeze, the perfect temperature. It was wonderful. We talked about everything from literature to music and then to relationships....and then I heard the same sentence I’ve heard almost weekly...”I’m not looking for anything serious”.   My heart sunk. Here was the first guy who was all possibility. Who each bit that I learned was great and each action he took thoughtful. Only to find out that he’s “not looking for anything serious” because he just got out of a long term relationship and wants to spend some time alone.  

I don’t get it. If only I had a dime for each time someone said - you are really great & I want to hang out with you, but I don’t want anything serious (technically, he’s the 2nd guy to drop that line in 24 hours, but I won’t get into the first).  

Each time I meet someone who seems to have some potential, my heart and mind race. A picture starts to emerge of what things ‘could be like’ and although I try to reign it back in and stay in reality of what exists today, my fantasy-land always takes on a life of its own and when reality finally strikes, in the form of “I’m not looking for anything serious”, my hopes are dashed and I’m back to square one.

Will there ever be someone who wants to date? Who is looking for more than fun?  Does romance still exist?

Catching up

It has been a fairly mundane start to the week so I thought it would be a good time to catch up on loose ends.  

Over the weekend I celebrated my birthday with friends and family, and after a year of feeling disconnected, it was a fantastic way to kick off my new year (as well as getting over the first year post-divorce hump).  I can not thank my friends and family enough for making this birthday extra special and ringing in the ‘new year’ in such a wonderful way!

In other news, I’ve stopped communicating with the Dad aka the Ditcher. The email exchange we were having was growing dull and mundane with a running list of daily happening updates. Whereas my initial attraction to him was his wit and intellect.  Take that away and you have...well, email updates you’d send to your grandma. So I stopped replying, as his last email didn’t even include an open ended question. I figured if he wanted to continue hanging out, he’d get in touch, but of very little surprise, he did not.

On the other hand, a good friend told me about this okcupid site which is much like match.com except free (my online dating philosophy for single moms is that it is a must-do because you don’t have time to ‘put yourself out there’ very often so may as well do it from the comfort of your home)!  One of my 4 ‘dull dates’ came from this site. However, last week I started emailing with a band member of a popular band in the 90’s that could be considered a one hit wonder.  While I find his emails to be fairly self centered (again, lacking open ended questions), Little Buddha informed me that this is because guys don’t know what they are doing and it’s in their nature to just write about themselves. Taking this into consideration, I decided to take a risk and see if he wanted to hang out in person.  He said yes but asked what I’d like to do....and that is what I need to think about today, as I can’t do anything as predictable as some of my normal spots but I also don’t want to go too hipster. I need ‘hip without effort’ - any suggestions?

That wraps up the catch up. I’m sorely missing my friends who lost their jobs last week and I think about them every day.  I am also so thankful for all of the love and support over the weekend from friends & family.  So all in all - it’s a bitter sweet week, but isn’t that how it always is?

Ditched

Just back from an awesome spring break visit to Orlando (ok, it was for work, but thanks to Hot Hair (aka Super Mom) and another very fun coworker, it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time).   While we were in Orlando, taking in the scenery and local customs, I exchanged a few emails and short texts with The Dad. He continued to express interest and asked what I was doing this weekend but he wasn’t emailing/texting like the previous week. I started to think he couldn’t be that interested if he wasn’t making the time to reach out for more than a few mins each day. However, he inquired about my weekend plans and invited me to go to a friend’s b-day party.  I happily accepted and got a sitter for Grace. I was really looking forward to seeing him, thinking - oh it must have been a busy week, that’s why he wasn’t in touch much.  

His last email of the day tells me that he’ll get there around 8:30pm and one of my other guy friends would be there as well. I text back to suggest that we arrive together since technically I’m at add-on to this soiree but I do not receive a text back. 8pm rolls around and I’m hanging with the Sage Sitter (good friend/also babysits Grace on occasion) and no word from The Dad. We decide to give it a bit more time but by the time 9pm rolls around I decide something must have happened to change his evening and Sage Sitter heads home. Feeling a bit defeated, but positive there must be a perfectly logical explanation for his flaky behavior, I watch TV and doze off.

10:30pm I receive a text from The Dad saying it was a good move that I didn’t go to the party because it was small, etc and he was already home. To which I replied “yeah, that and you didn’t tell me where the party was nor reply to my last text”.  Then, for good measure I added “twisted joke?” because at this point, what else could it be?  His mixed signals of interest but flaky follow up have left me wondering WTF is going on! Seems like he’s just playing a game?  He replied “It’s official. I’m the worst”. And that’s the last I have heard from him. No apology, no phone call acknowledgement.  

It stings. Pretty badly.  I am seeing a repeated pattern where I ended up treated as a convenience in someone’s life. Not any level of priority or with any value. Just a convenience. Twinkie did this for 3 months.  Ex husband did this in various ways for 8 years. And now The Dad!  I was holding out hope that he’s older and more mature and wouldn’t pull this kind of college-esque BS.  

This is a great test of ‘it’s him not me’, as my first thought was ‘how am I not good enough to at least deserve a follow through when someone asks me to hang out?’  But I quickly pushed those thoughts aside and replaced them with ‘what a self-centered, flaky jerk!’  Go me!  As this situation would have crushed me before, it is only a bad sting now.

I’m left wondering - are there any good single guys still out there? Or have we passed the ‘best if used before’ date and they have all soured, developing bad habits of treating girls poorly in one way or another.

Crazy is as Crazy Does

After a month of getting to know Aquaman as friends, I’ve sadly come to realize that he is in such a bad spot right now that nothing more can come from this.  I have made many excuses for guys who were ‘not whole’ (to be politically correct) in the past and I can’t afford to do so anymore.

Need to call it as it is!  Once you know what a person is capable of, regardless of life circumstance, can that really change?  Even when you go through hard times, you know what you are or are not capable of, it’s in the fabric of who you are.  I don’t want to hang with guys who are capable of being crazy!

Which brings me to the bigger picture of this - are all guys crazy? Is it the case that the 20-somethings are just too young to commit (or as a generation, are approaching life as non-committal across the board) and the 30-somethings who have not been married can’t be in a relationship because they’ve developed a trait or habit that is relationship-inhibiting (most commonly that trait is known as ‘enormous ego’ as they’ve deemed themselves too good to be with anyone but a 25 year old swimsuit model)?!?  

As the weather warms up, I’ve been spending my time outdoors and focused on Grace. She is, by far, the coolest person I know (under 3 ft. tall) and pure joy to be around. Maybe Mr. Not-Crazy-Able-To-Commit-While-Still-Having-A-Personality-And-Hot-Body may pop up one of these days but until then I’ll spend my time on things that are pure joy!

ps Dear Mr. Not-Crazy-Able-To-Commit-While-Still-Having-A-Personality-And-Hot-Body - feel free to show up soon, as I need a suitable escort to my birthday festivities next month!

The wisdom of George Michael

"Before this river becomes an ocean,
Before you through my heart back on the floor.
Oh baby I reconsider my foolish notion,
Well I need someone to hold me, but I’ll wait for something more.
Yes, I’ve gotta have faith…"

Since starting this blog, I have been making really great decisions. I have moved away from the Twinkie, because we all know Twinkie’s aren’t healthy for you. I am building a friendship with Aquaman (more to come), and continuing to meet new people.  That being said, it is definitely hard each day to “have faith” and turn down the ‘sugar decisions' in order to make the healthy decisions to build toward what I really want (rather than what is yummy right now!).

This weekend I had dinner/drinks with Aquaman. As just friends, it is really great hanging out.  It is easy to be open and honest about where we are each at (healing) and there is no pressure to say the ‘right’ thing or to be cool (thank God because I totally crack under the pressure to be ‘cool’).  The more I get to know Aquaman, the more sense he makes to me and the more comfortable I am. 

I also hung out with a friend of a friend; we’ll call him ‘the Dad’. He’s older than I am and has 2 kids who are in high school. He dedicated his life to being a dad but also spent quality time figuring out who he is and developing his interests. He was funny, nice, smart, and solid.  Looking forward to hanging with him again.

So although in George Michael’s apropos words ‘Well I need someone to hold me, but I’ll wait for something more.” – I am having faith and waiting for something more, not diving into to the first dessert that will be instant gratification J

PS – Cheshire Cat got in touch this weekend. And you will be happy to know that after a very short exchange, I blew him off. I had nothing left to say to him. He asked about getting together and I let it go because he didn’t materialize over 6 months of ‘let’s hang out’s’ so why would I waste my time now?  It is a great feeling to know that he can no longer get to me….because I’m far too strong to him, even in my superhero infancy.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

It’s been a trying week with the departure of my mentor and friend from my place of employment. The general feeling of isolation continuing to persist every day. And who knew - after you stop dating someone it actually hurts for a while!  I got by this week with a little help from my friends....

I thought because I knew I shouldn’t be/didn’t want to be dating Twinkie, that meant  that I was ok with it and would move on. I didn’t realize you still feel the hurt and disappointment of the relationship you had hoped for and the glimpse of having a companion that made the isolation melt away, at least for a time.  My friends helped put this in perspective with the sage advice of “it hurts - duh!” and said “time will make it better”.  Man...I’m so tired of waiting for time to make things better because it does not move nearly as fast as I would like it to!  Anyway, very thankful for my friends giving me perspective and helping to break the fixation on whatever happened or did not happen with the Twinkie.

And as for the isolation, as one amazing friend - Super Mom (yes, there is a Super Mom) said, learning to be alone and learning that does not mean you are unlovable or unwanted is what will ultimately bring the title of Wonder Woman. Learning that not only are you ok alone but are actually really great all on your own.  She pointed out that experiences will mean so much more because I will have done the hard work to build my foundation and the life that will flow from it.  I am very grateful for her perspective.

Lastly, the departure of my mentor and close friend from our workplace.  She has been endlessly supportive, opened my eyes to things inside of myself that I didn’t even know where there, built up my confidence in areas that I didn’t think I had anything to offer, showed me my potential and that I have the ability to fulfill it.  Words can not express the impact she has had on my life and I will forever be grateful for having her as a friend (and mentor).

In the “Wonder Woman did good” move of the week - I told Aquaman that he was a little too intense too fast and it was freaking me out and suggested we get to know each other as friends. He was very happy with this suggestion and it has been nice slowly getting to know him since.  6 months ago I never would have bent myself inside and out to fit the situation rather than acknowledging the situation isn’t a fit for me.  Go WW!

Make that island your paradise!

One that that I suspect is common across many single moms (or single people in general) is the feeling of being on an island. This is one I struggle with on a daily basis. Feeling disconnected. As if the pressure of the world is on me to keep things running smoothly while being isolated from everyone else.

Date with Aquaman Friday night went ok. He has all of the characteristics that I am looking for in someone (which does not make him Mr. Right but at least puts him in the ‘candidate’ category).  However, I was uneasy that whole night - I was caught somewhere between the pressure of a first date and feeling so vulnerable right now that I’m too scared to move for fear someone will easily be able to hurt me again.  However, after the date I decided I’d like to go out with him again to see what might be there because fear is not a reason to hold yourself back from anything.

But....then on Saturday and Sunday, Aquaman attempted a couple of ‘flirty’ texts along the lines of ‘i miss you’ which completely freaked me out. I said as much as well - too intense, scare easily. Trying to give him the signal to back off.

I was so disappointed because I felt hopeful meeting someone who actually fell in the candidate category only to find his level of intensity to be too much too fast. Which landed me right back on the island. The feeling that there isn’t someone out there for me, it’s going to be Grace and I against the world for ever.

And then I was reminded to make that island my paradise!   After all, I called Time Out to focus on me.  To make my island a paradise of things that I love. Starting with fun with Grace, including running, spending time with loved ones, writing, reading = taking care of myself.  

So as for Aquaman, if he can slow his pace down to match mine then maybe we can hang out again and see what is there. He is a very unique person and I was looking forward to getting to know him better.  But if he can’t, that this is not a fit.  Either way, my energy needs to be directed into making that island a paradise and not into looking to someone else to make it a paradise for me.

Why did I say that?

So the guy from the weekend set a date for Friday night. Great, no pressure, technically I’m on a Time Out, so 1 dinner is no biggie.  

After a series of text exchanges, he called last night. At first I’m thinking - this is great!  A guy who actually picks up the phone and calls...until reality quickly sets and I remember I’ve already finished a glass of wine and, being the lightweight I am, should not be talking to someone I barely know!

The conversation flow was ok but at many points I found myself thinking ‘why did I say that?’.  Some comments were much more brash than I am, or more pointed...I don’t know how exactly to describe it but it was almost as if I was subconsciously testing this guy to see if he could handle it.

WTF - what am I thinking?  Does anyone else do this?  How do you stoppppp?  After we hung up I wasn’t even sure he’d still want to take me to dinner!

On the plus side, normally my interpretation of what happened is harsher than what happened in reality. But on the minus side, I wasn’t being my true self. I couldn’t relax and just simply be myself.
 
Wonder Woman says: I’m done with over thinking each thing I say - how it comes off, what the other person thinks.  The whole time spent with the Twinkie, I was careful not to say certain things so I could maintain a certain ‘cool’ edge but ended up realizing that constantly thinking about what you are saying causes a lot of anxiety. Not to mention the constant judgement of critiquing yourself wears you down.  Maybe it’s time to stop asking ‘why did I say that?’ and start saying ‘yeah, I just said that...so what!” (a la New Girl style...if you don’t want that show, it is a Must See!)

All of this being said, I’ve decided :  If he texts today, then all is good. If he doesn’t text today then he thinks I’m a huge freak in which case...well, he’s wrong and should have been smart enough to stick around!  

Night out

I went out this weekend with my friend Mulan. Though I am officially on ‘time out’, we did meet a few eligible bachelors during our night out. A well respected businessman in the area asked for my number and, true to “Millionaire Matchmaker” best guidance, he asked me out the very next day! The impending date is still to be set and I have a bit of due diligence left to do to ensure there is not record of past criminal offenses, obnoxious internet videos or other offensives that would be just cause to cancel said date. To my credit, that night I played it cool and confident and I even through in a ‘ya I know’ when a compliment was passed my way!

Though meeting cute guys with was fun, my favorite part of the night was watching my friend Mulan in full form. She is gorgeous, smart, sexy and confident. She will talk to anyone who walks nearby and always holds an engaging and entertaining conversation. She meets people with such ease that it is enviable. I am very lucky to count her among my Superhero friends!

I have no ‘ah ha’ insights from this weekend other than - wow did it feel good to get some attention from a couple of different guys in one of my first unattached nights out on the town.