I adore the show, “Odd Mom Out” for its cunning wit and sharp
sarcasm in the depiction of the relatable feeling of not fitting into the
phenomenon known as a ‘mom group’. The
show focuses on microcosm of a group of wealth moms from the Upper East Side
who mostly have the same environmental variables. The hilarious difference is in
the moral grounding of the main character, Jill Weber, that leads to conflicting
parenting priorities as compared to her head-in-the-clouds socialite family and
extended circle of friends.
However, despite the hilarity of the high-pressure parenting
expectations of New York’s social elite,
many single moms experience the true reality
of feeling like the odd mom out on a daily basis. Single, working moms are the
minority, usually not heard from because we are too busy trying to keep our
kids, career and home afloat without missing a beat. We are underrepresented and inaccurately
portrayed on television; I’ve never met a single mom as relaxed as Lorelai on
the “Gilmore Girls” and there are few, if any, other referenceable examples of
starring solo mom roles.
Unlike on
television, in real life single moms set our own expectations that we need to
fill the rolls of both mom and dad, resulting in a self-imposed a bar requiring
200% effort at all times so our children will be minimally impacted by a two-household
lifestyle.
I’ve been a single mom since my daughter was an infant and
I’ve spent the last five years feeling like the odd mom out. At first, the
feeling of being the odd mom out manifested itself at birthday parties, where I
was the only single parent (I don’t know where the 50% divorce rate statistic
exists, but it is not in the Pre-K set).
I thought the other moms assumed something must be wrong with me that I
didn’t have a husband in tow. Or worse, if my daughter got a ‘boo boo’, I was
terrified of being judged for not successfully preventing every possible scrape
or bruise. So I kept to myself in a nice
cozy corner and spent the time mindfully examining my piece of birthday cake as
if I were a pastry-obsessed Sherlock Holmes.
During the course of raising a five-year-old, many special occasions
have presented an opportunity to do cutesy things for holidays, teacher recognition,
birthdays, etc. Pinterest has provided a
platform for resourceful DIY moms to construct adorably creative crafts, gifts
and accessories for all occasions. If I had a dollar for every time someone
said “you should check this out on Pinterest”, I would have enough for my
daughter’s college tuition! Despite my lack of culinary expertise, I once
attempted to make “easy pizza twists” which turned out looking like a volcano
had melted down on my stove top. Being craft-challenged and time-restricted, every
birthday in my house has been filled with store-bought goody bags and each
teacher appreciation event has been accompanied with a gift card; and I have a
Pavlovian-level cringe response every time I hear the word Pinterest.
The one thing single moms have is time to themselves. Many
married moms tell me are jealous that I have ‘time to myself’, but I’m sure if
they had legally obligated time away from their children, they would not covet
this ‘free time’. Either way, I made single friends who like to go out, see
some concerts, and check out new hot spots.
But I quickly learned that singles go out on a whim, and many nights I
had my daughter and couldn’t drop everything to hit up the cool event that
evening. I enjoyed single-life gossiping
about dating successes and hilarious failures but my stories were also peppered
with the saga of losing baby teeth and the funny things my daughter would say
at dinner.
Feeling disheartened and disconnected, my odd mom out
sensitivity reached a breaking point when, at an elementary school fair, my
daughter’s feelings were hurt when her two friends hopped on a ride that only
allowed two kids at a time. Despite my continual efforts to reassure her that
they did not leave her out and they did want to play with her, that it was
purely the bad timing of the break in the line – she melted down and sat on a
hill, sobbing with hurt feelings. I sat down next to her and my eyes welled up with
tears because I couldn’t honestly say I felt any differently. I looked around
and desperately wanted to find another single parent at the event who could
empathize but it was clear this was solely on my shoulders. I started to wonder how I was going to be
enough support her for the next 13 years of her grade school life.
And just when I was sure the evidence was damning enough to
prove I was, in fact, the odd mom out, my daughter’s friends’ parents came over
and reached out to us. They shared stories of how they helped their children
with similar sensitivities. They repeatedly offered help anytime I needed it,
telling me that I can’t be afraid to ask when I need a helping hand. And they
talked about future fun things for our kids to do together. That night, we all
walked home together in a group of giggly kids, babbling toddles and ever-tired
yet jovial adults.
At the end of the evening, I stopped to observe the scene
and I realized I was never the odd mom out. Just because my situation is not
the same as other families, as parents and children, we were no different. Moreover, the same parents who reached out to
me at the fair were also at those initial birthday parties. It wasn’t just me
who was worried about being judged for what might happen to my daughter – it
was every mother. And the Pinterest moms
who have enviable creative skills, resources and time – well they have told me
they don’t know how I do it. They don’t judge my store bought party favors,
they are impressed I pull together a fun party for my daughter year after year.
Although single moms frequently feel like the odd mom out,
not fitting neatly in with any one social circle, the fact is that we fit in to
all circles. We have the spirit of being single and active and we have the
worries that come with being a mother. I
will be forever thankful for that night where I realized we are all in this
together, raising our children to the best of our abilities and offering a hand
when someone needs a little extra help.
