Wednesday, May 4, 2016

10 Dating Things I Don't Give a F*ck About Anymore

1. How many times you go to the gym each week. I don't need to know that you go to the gym virtually every day because a body is only going to last for a finite amount of time but if you can't make me laugh, then we are really fucked in old age.

2. Being asked how often I work out. I don't care that maybe I get to the gym twice on a really over-achiever week.  I may be thin now but it is deceptive, it is 'stress fit' - i.e. not earned through hours of pumping iron but rather hours of chasing around my daughter and worrying about how to be the best parent, employee, boss, daughter, friend and all around human being that I can be.

3. How good you think/want me to look in 'jeans or a black dress.' Odds are if I'm wearing mascara, I've both made a concerted effort and am already physically uncomfortable. Just be happy I didn't show up in my 15 year old sweatshirt and jammy pants.

4. Figuring out what to order at a restaurant. Does the menu offer hot food that someone else prepares? Then I'll take two. I don't give a fuck what you think about my eating habits. I'm happy to not make nor consume mac n cheese for one night.
5. "Hanging out"  I like to go out on dates. I don't want to "hang out"' with you. I "hang out" with my friends so if I wanted to "hang out" with someone, I would be "hanging out" with one of them.

6. Waiting for someone to text.  You wanna act like you don't like me? Maybe you 'aren't that into me' - its totally cool but I don't want to sit around waiting for your texts or last minute invitations to "'hang out." I could better use that time binging on Netflix.

7. What my friends think of online dating, News flash to everyone who hasn't dated after the year 2003: everyone is online in 2016, get over it. My success rate of losers to good guys is the same in a bar versus online. It's not about the place of meeting, it is about the substance of the person on the other side.

8. Wearing the same pair of jeans twice in a row. That's right, I double up on my jeans. That one pair that fits perfectly and doesn't feel like I'm being constricted in a torture chamber. I'm going to wear the shit out of them. And I don't care if you wear the shit out of your guy-equivalent jeans either.

9. How well you played in your last game of golf.  No really, I don't give a fuck about your golf game.  I am interested in your cooking skills though...

10. Making last minute plans. Oh, it is Thursday at 3pm and you just realized you have nothing to do tonight so you want to "hang out" with me? I don't fucking care that you are unable to plan ahead, because I make big-girl plans and am busy!  If you want to go on a date, ask me ahead of time and I'll pencil you in.
(in response to the genius piece, "20 Things I Don't Give a F*ck About Anymore")

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