Why am I chasing the Unavailable guy and running from from the Available guy?

Last night I went on a match.com date with Hip Dad. Stats: 8 years older than me (thought looks exactly my age, I need to find out his anti-aging secrets), well educated, great job, two kids, great dad, listens to indie music (preferred), likes the same type of venues as I do (for live music and for drinks).  This is a rare combination. And to top it off, he’s a huge NPR fan, as am I (quite possibly my third love after Grace and my dog).

We met for a drink and the conversation flowed well. 2 hours later he asked if I wanted to get dinner but I declined because I was tired and quite frankly, it is draining meeting someone for the first time. We hugged awkwardly as we left and he referenced a second date.

I left feeling confused. His description is everything I should be dating. Yet, I wasn’t as drawn to him as I typically am when dating someone because I didn’t find the intrigue that comes with the ‘edgy’ guys I’ve historically dated (whom are never ready to commit because they are perpetually finding themselves).

On the flip side, I haven’t heard from Boy on the Street since Sunday. Well, technically I broke down and texted him last night - we had a brief joking text exchange. But he has asked no open questions or made a real effort to get to know me, it has been all fun and flirting but no substance.  Yet I really want him to ask me for a drink.

That begs the question, why am I chasing the Unavailable guy and running from from the Available guy?

Do we recreate pain from the past (a phrase from Buen Maestra)?  It is a bad habit we have to break?  It is possible that until I believe I am good enough, I will continue to run from those who view me as good enough and pursue those whom I have to prove my worth to?

A bottle of wine is needed for further exploration on this topic.  Insights are welcome!

I came to a stark realization over the weekend: Hot Hair has morphed from the growing-up, semi-responsible, attractive guy I was drawn to into a typical tank top wearing, neon glowing d___bag that populates many of the beach bars.  As a final send off to Hot Hair, California Girl and I danced our way over to him where she yelled something in his ear that sounded like affirmations about what a cool chick I am and then we danced away as he look confused (simply matters can be confusing when you are wearing a lame tank top and taking shots at 5pm in the evening).  

This is where we say goodbye to Hot Hair, as he is ruining my rep of otherwise non d___bag rendezvous at the beach.  So long Hot Hair, here is wishing minimal receding of your well-cared-for hairline!

Beach Week Wrap Up & Boys on the Street

I took a few days off last week and headed to the beach with my Mom and Grace who stayed for the weekdays and then headed home and I had spent the weekend with friends.  It was a rejuvenating week as we spent time playing, walking, eating, listening to music, bonding, and sharing amongst ourselves and with a new friend, Buen Maestra (she teaches English as a second language).

The weekend commenced with usual bar antics and Friday night wrapped up with a friend (California Girl - cute blonde, cali attitude)  and I giving Buen Maestra advice on what to do after a boy makes repeated eye contact at a bar...and mid-advice, two cute boys next to us jumped into the conversation!  We were all walking home toward the same block but they stopped to get pizza along the way. We continued to the end of the block when we realized they were cute and funny and we wanted their numbers (in retrospect, the logical thing would have been to give them ours but it was 1am and a few drinks had been imbibed).  After playing “not-it noses” (i.e. you are not it if your finger is on your nose, last person loses), Buen Maestra was picked to go back into the pizza joint and procure the cute boys’ numbers. She mustered her inner extrovert and confidently marched back to complete her mission.

Meanwhile, California Girl and I did what any modern, empowered woman would do - we hid around the corner and giggled!  

As time passed, we grew increasingly curious as to the state of the mission - so I announced I knew how to sleuth our answer, afterall, I’ve seen every episode of The Closer and I’m practically Brenda Lee Johnson Jr. when it comes to solving a case. So I flattened my back against the brick building and inched to the corner to peek around, motioning for California Girl to follow. We we both peeped around the corner as Buen Maestra emerged...followed by the cute boys!  BUSTED!  

Embarrassing as it was, we decided to take a picture to commemorate the occasion and then walked toward home with the cute boys (as I stared at my feet, too embarassed to make eye contact).

I have been texting with the Boy on the Street (as he is now identified in my iPhone) since Friday but there has been no date invitation extended.  However, after a little sleuthing of my own, I did find that he was named as one of Philly’s hottest bachelors two years ago -  confirming my good eye not only for fashion but also for guys!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Dear Ex-Husband:

I know you want to revel in our mature, ultra-collaborative, smooth communication, on the same page, presenting a united front, co-parenting style, however will you PLEASE STOP EMAILING ME?  It is 3pm and I’ve received 14 emails so far today.

Sincerely,

Your suffocating, wants to strangle you, but is exercising extreme patience in the matter Ex-Wife

Have I Been Living Under a Rock?

Have I been living under a rock? I was introduced to the comedy of Maria Bamford (from my therapist) last week.  This made me feel sane - Maria Bamford on OCD (it’s good to know I’m not the only one):

 

"You Spot It, You Got It"

There is nothing more that I can add to this eloquent and spot on blog post from the Happiness Project except: Amen!  Check it out: “Why I’m Trying to Explain Less”

Thinking vs Believing vs The Truth

I’ve always thought that this was the pattern:

You believe something about yourself -> Therefore it is true.

For years I grew up believing I was a bad person and as a result, I thought it must be true.

However, I’ve recently had my eyes opened to the counter-approach:

You think something first (I am enough) -> Eventually this becomes the truth -> Therefore you believe it.

I Am Enough...repeat, repeat, repeat

Consumed by stress from an unhealthy workplace, constant struggles with my mother, and oversharing from the ex, I spent the better part of last week and the weekend sleeping. Though I have no “ah ha” moments to write about, at least I’ve gotten rid of the fuzzy vision/light-headed feeling that had set in over the past few weeks.

I am addressing work issues head on over a period of time (as things do not change overnight in a culture that is set in its ways), I am setting boundaries with my mother and likewise doing the same with my ex husband. However, the only thing that I can control today for all 3 stresses is my perspective.

I bounce back and forth between “woe is me” - feeling a victim of unfair circumstances that seem to continually arise and a conscious effort to push those thoughts aside and take control of my narrative, replacing “woe is me” with “I am enough”.  This one simple affirmation is applicable in three ways:

	Woe is Me.	I Am Enough.
Work	Woe is Me...the complex, process-filled environment causes missed deadlines on EVERY deliverable, taking away any sense of success and accomplishment.	My success is based on the the quality and timeliness of the work that I create and submit. I am enough.
My Mom	Woe is me...my mother is stepping all over the boundaries I try to set and when confronted, informs me of my shortcomings (inflexible, etc), which I internalize and use to re-enforcing my long-standing narrative that I am fundamentally broken.	Who I am, all of my traits, enable me to be the person I am. I am enough.
My Ex	Woe is me...my ex-husband over-shares, manipulates, breaks boundaries and is in-my-face 24/7	"It's not the critic who counts"  His views, opinions, thoughts and commentary have nothing to do with WHO I AM. I am enough.

Tired.

Things that make me tired:

- Apparently newly discovered low blood pressure

- 2.75 year olds who cry when they can’t wait Big Bird

- Mom’s who move in temporarily and cause a tornado in daily life

- Mom’s who force many long, emotional and tense conversations that would have otherwise resolved themselves once the moving transition is over

- Ex husbands who overshare because they want to be friends

- Bosses who can’t muster up a ‘good job’ after putting together a kick ass media briefing

- Bosses who put you in the middle of their discontent with their direct reports

- Guys who treat you like you are only for entertainment at their whim

- Guys who don’t want to date someone with kids

- Housework

- Things breaking in the house

- Yardwork

- Missing quality time with my good friends

- Awful match.com

- Match.com is, in and of itself, exhausting

- Wedding anniversary date (it was Sunday...and I actually forgot about it all day except for about 10 teary-eyed minutes...not too bad!)

I’m tired. I’ve been taking 2 naps a day on non-work days and still falling asleep by 9:30pm at night. My mom says it’s tension. I think I’ve contracted some type of weird tired disease.  Everything feels like it takes so much effort right now and all I want to do is go back to sleep.

Good night!

Down with Match.com!

I went on a match.com date last week with a guy who seemed very nice and intelligent over email and semi-cute in his pictures. When I arrived at the chosen destination for drinks, I literally could not even recognize him from his pictures.  Many extra pounds and somewhat ill-fitting clothes looked like he turned up for a casual family BBQ.  He was a very nice guy and obviously very nervous but it was not a match from the beginning.  In my panic of “oh no, what do I do” - I ordered the strongest drink, downed it, and left 45 minutes later, citing that if I left then, I could still tuck Grace in to bed (which was true).  It was an unfortunate evening and quite hope-dashing as yet again, I do not seem to be meeting anyone with true potential. The ones I’d be interested in are game-players, always looking for the next best thing and treating girls like they are a convenience.  The ones who would probably make good husbands lack tat joie de vivre that keeps me going!

Out With the Old, In With the New

I saw Hot Hair again this weekend. Of course, he calls me and stops by the beach house after having a few drinks at happy hour. At this point, it is evident that while I was seeing some great characteristics of a friend who is growing up over Memorial Day, his priorities are much younger than mine.

While at aforementioned happy hour (with my usual one beer consumed over a two hour time period), I saw another boy I thought was very cute and age appropriate and he hit on me! We ran into each other later that night at the bar and he pulled me aside each time I would pass by, eventually informing me that he was going to follow me all summer, followed by a bunch of very nice compliments. It is unfortunate that he had also consumed far too many drinks so who knows if he will follow through but it certainly was flattering to be the object of such unabashed attention.

Last news - I have a match date lined up for tonight. Stats: 2 years younger than me, published a few textbooks on some type of computer graphical programming, has a good job and teaches graduate level classes at a prestigious university.  Details to follow...

Mitsvah

One of the definitions of mitsvah is “good deed done”, this weekend one of my beach house roommates certainly made this defintion ring true.  He is a single dad, divorced 9 years and newly engaged to one of my other beach house mates who is a pretty awesome chick.  The house was fairly empty at points this weekend so we found ourselves talking about all things divorce, co-parenting, crazy ex’s, dating and looking toward the future. His openness and candor about his situation and his positive outlook for the future, despite some very trying circumstances was both a relief and refreshing.  He reassured me that as long as we are good parents, our kids will know. They are smart and are not woo-ed by just fun, they know who is steady in their life and that is who they gravitate toward.  

In a very generous comment he said that it was evident I was a good mom because it everything I said, I put Grace first and in his discussions with our single parents, they have a tendency to talk about themselves and what they need before the needs of their children. It was reassuring to hear that I’m doing it right. In my heart, I know that. But it is tough going and it’s good to get solid feedback.

He also informed me that there are good guys out there and if I’m meeting guys who don’t appreciate a girl who is a great mom with a great job and runs a solid household, then I’m getting the wrong sampling of guys because good guys look at that package and thing is great. He went so far as to say that there aren’t enough of ‘me’ out there - caring, intelligent, good women.  Wow!

Overall, it was a “Thank you God” moment for that conversation that was so needed at a time when I’m still “in the middle” and finding my way.