Reflections on My Marriage

I've been remiss about writing lately, partially due to traveling for work and partially due to dealing with some health stuff.  However, mainly I've just had the overwhelming feeling that I'm drowning lately.  As a result, my brain has somewhat shut itself, and in effect me, off from everything.

I've actually been hanging out with a guy for the last few weeks. Very nice guy, he seems somewhat interested but in my opinion not interested enough. He makes some effort, but not enough. And his lack of effort is resulting in my disinterest so I guess that is karma at work for you right there - what you give is what you get back :)

This time of non-movement has afforded me some freedom to reflect.  Images of the last 4 years have been flashing by, some bring me to tears and some make me smile. It's like my brain is processing the last four years. I suspect this started a couple of months ago, and I believe this is what the Sage Shrink referred to as "grieving".

Nonetheless during a recent reflection (read: flashback), I realized that I carry around a great amount of anxiety because of the lies my ex told and how shocked I was to found out that all was not as I thought it was. It created a ripple effect in me where I started to question and doubt everything - because I never really knew where the truth stopped and the lies started.  Were they all lies?  This question has haunted me for a long time.

Then I realized - it is somewhere in the middle.  The truth is, when we met we were different people than we were today. He was a person who would lie in order to get approval. And I was a person who desperately wanted to be approved of.  We checked off every item on the 'suitable partner' checklist (too naive to realize that a checklist does not make true love).

During the eight years we were together, we grew into different people. I grew to be someone who realized I deserved approval. And he grew to be someone who....well still lied in order to get approval.  See the disconnect?

So it doesn't matter what was real and what was not - it was a fit in the beginning because we were both looking in the same direction. But when one person grows and the other does not, sometimes the disconnect becomes to deep and too distant to where it is no longer a fit. 

This realization has brought me some amount of peace.  It removes some of the burden of distrust from new people I meet. It removes the burden of guilt from myself for not being wiser all along.

I was on my path, and he was on his. But my path was never stagnant, I was always moving forward.

Whatever a person does on the first date, multiply it by 10X and that's what you'll get 90 days into the relationship

I recently read a blog post that started with: Years ago, when I first started in HR, I remember my boss warning me, "Whatever a candidate does in the job interview, multiply it 10X and that's what you'll get 90 days into the job."

It occurred to me the same could be said of a first date - whatever a person does on the first date, multiply it by 10X and that's what you'll get 90 days into the relationship.  How many times have you picked up on something small that bothered you or was seemingly a yellow flag on the first date....only to have it became super evident that it was a big red flat within the first three months of dating!?  Looking back, I could almost predict why a relationship wouldn't work without giving it a full three months because that small voice in the back of my head tried to tell me on date number one.

Whatever a person does on the first date, multiply it by 10X and that's what you'll get 90 days into the relationship

I recently read a blog post that started with: Years ago, when I first started in HR, I remember my boss warning me, "Whatever a candidate does in the job interview, multiply it 10X and that's what you'll get 90 days into the job."

It occurred to me the same could be said of a first date - whatever a person does on the first date, multiply it by 10X and that's what you'll get 90 days into the relationship.  How many times have you picked up on something small that bothered you or was seemingly a yellow flag on the first date....only to have it became super evident that it was a big red flat within the first three months of dating!?  Looking back, I could almost predict why a relationship wouldn't work without giving it a full three months because that small voice in the back of my head tried to tell me on date number one.

Three Types of First Dates

There are three types of first dates:

"The Dud" Date:  When you walk in and immediately realize this is not a person that you want to hang out with again. Be it human chemistry or an innate instinct, you begin eye-ing up the nearest escape before you can say 'My cat is sick!'

The "I'm Just Not that Into You" Date:  The other person seems nice and has qualities that you are looking for but something just isn't clicking.  You find yourself not feeling the need to bring your A-game, and ultimately, you just aren't that into them.

The "Wow, Cool" Date: When the conversation is flowing and the laughs are natural and at one point you look at the other person and think "Wow, this is cool"...and then cross your mental fingers that they are thinking the same thing!

Post-Sickness Gratitude

I love the feeling when you start feeling better after being sick for a while and you relish every 'normal feeling' moment.  The moments that you take for granted every other day of the year all of the sudden become cherished moments of gratitude that your nose/ears/throat/chest/belly no longer hurt.  I hope that I can carry that level of gratitude with me for the rest of the year!

'Did Good Enough'

I wish I was one of those glamorous sick people who can take stunning selfies while in sweats.  But I'm not. I'm writing this blog post with a temperature, bad hair and a tissue stuck to my nose.

While home sick, my cleaning lady came and I asked her why my bill went up about 20%. She said she raised prices for the first time in two years. I explained it was a bit of a shock since no one's paychecks are going up 20% over two years but I could tell that she needed the increase and she said it was across the board for all customers.

However, during this she was acting like I was getting upset. Now, I have been known to occasionally get upset at vendors who were illogical or unhelpful in resolving an issue. But I was sure I was not getting upset.  I told her everything was fine and I would adjust my budget accordingly, but then I immediately wanted to seek validation that I wasn't getting upset, instead of just saying - she raised prices 20% on her invoice without giving a heads up and caught me off gaurd. 

Why do I always judge myself as 'could have done better' instead of 'did good enough'? Although I thought I was calm, even if she did not, it doesn't really matter. I did the best I could. You know for yourself when you could have done better and when you did good enough.

The Hope in Not Having Hope

I can't remember being this stressed since the actual divorce happened.  It even caused some type of weird heart episode!  (diagnosed by my father as a 10 second pre-beat).  When things really pile on and you are stretched to your limit, you have on choice but to take it day by day. I wake up each morning and think about the day ahead and think 'ok, I can handle this'.  But as soon as I think about tomorrow or any time past that, I get very overwhelmed!

My brain seems to have partially shut down, the drama with my momma and then with Grace's father on top of the cancelled dates - it was too much at one time and at some point I felt my brain say 'that's enough!' and it shut down and said 'you need to simplify and you can't process this all at once' (what a wise brain!)

So I'm taking it day by day, and I'm not panicking when feelings ebb and flow because those will pass and time will move on.  This is the first time I really don't have a vision of what's to come - but maybe that is the hopeful part - the hope of not having specific hopes hung up on an expectant future.

Guideposts for 2015

"In the end only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully  you let go of things not meant for you." - Buddha

In 2015 I want to:

• Take care of myself (this obviously includes Grace and our dog)
• Build more resiliency and not judge or fight against what I feel
• Own my own power and energy and not give it away to those who are undeserving
• Nurture my creativity and compassion and see where they take me...
• Be kind t myself
• Forgive myself constantly
• Walk away with others are not kind to me
• Meditate
• Breathe
• Keep my heart open while keeping my guard smart

What will I do in 2015?

• Wash my face before bed (ok, sometimes I'm sooo tired I just put on jammies and fall asleep but you only get your skin once and this is part of taking care of myself)
• Read
• Take baths
• Exercise!  Somehow that fell off the radar last year
• Meditate
• Draw a line when someone is not acting ok faster and walk away when needed
• Always express gratitude
• Never settle for less than I deserve
• Don't panic!

 "Change the changeable. Accept the unchangeable.  And remove yourself from the unacceptable." - Denis Waitley