Friday, October 31, 2014

Two Embarrassing Things I Do on Tinder

I had a very embarrassing moment in online dating today.  A guy who I was ‘communicating with’ gave me his number to text. So I said “Hi, this is Jenn from Tinder”. To which he replied, “I’m sorry, I don’t know anyone from Tinder”. This it hit me and I responded “Oops, I mean from match”.  How desperate do I look not even being able to keep my dating sites straight?

I realized today I have a chronic habit on Tinder of swiping right (i.e. ‘like’) for anyone with a cool name. I have an urge to date someone with a cool name, so I can say something like “Yeah, I’m going out with Cameron tonight.”  Tough luck for guys with run of the mill names :)

I will be going out in costume (or un-costume depending on how you look at it) as Wonder Woman tonight.  Happy halloween!

Monday, October 27, 2014


Shortly after I packed for an overnight work trip, I was semi-obsessing over if I remembered everything (this is my normal routine: pack ahead of time and then obsess in the interim time leading up to my departure).

As I was fighting off the feeling of isolation setting in, I wondered to myself: should I pack the work gold ones? Because the casual gold ones are not appropriate for this meeting.  Then it hit me - I have, not one, but TWO pairs of gold shoes. How lucky am I? Gold shoes are a luxury, they aren’t a practical shoe to own -- andI have two pairs to choose from!  An abundance of luxury.  Perhaps I need to shift my focus away from what feels like is missing to what is right in front of me - two pairs of gold shoes!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Lessons Learned From 50 First Dates

Last night I was at a ladies dinner and someone asked how many dates had I gone on since my divorce. I asked if that included first date only guys or  just the ones I’ve gone out with multiple times.  The request included first dates, so after a little back-of-the-napkin math, I arrived at the revelation that I’ve gone on about 50 first dates in the last 3 ½ years.  At first the inquirer looked astonished but then she said - that’s what you have to do - because you never know until you try. So keep at it and one will come along.

Now, at first I felt flushed, embarrassed that I’ve been on 50 dates and none have stuck.  The words of Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” flooded in to my head:
I go on too many dates
But I can't make 'em stay
At least that's what people say, mmm-mmm

Then I realized that 50 first dates was not a testament to my inability to find a lasting relationship but instead proof of my stellar judge of character - very quickly meeting and dismissing less-than-worthy guys. And the few that stuck around were dismissed before they could do any lasting damage.

Here’s what I’ve learned from going on 50 first dates:
  • Ask a lot of questions - this is your opportunity to interview him to see if he makes the cut for the second date
  • Dress cute - never slack off because you don’t know when it may be one you want to have stick around
  • Yield for red flags - if they are red on a first, second or third date, they will be blazing fires by the 10th, 11th, or 12th dates
  • And most importantly: Be true to yourself.

Because in truth, there are no dating rules - the only rule that matter is that you stay true to who you are.  Every dating blog and book says go get a life and have interests so you seem busy and occupied s you won’t wait around for him. But the real truth is - go be you. Love your life. Not because the right guy will love you if you love your life - but because your life is all that matters, so do what you makes you happy!

Cheers to 50 dates down and hopefully not a full 50 more to come!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

A letter to the guy who sends mixed signals from every girl who has ever received them

What I wanted to send to The Soccer Player, but didn’t.  Here is a letter to the guy who sends mixed signals from every girl who has ever received them:


I really didn't understand what you were trying to tell me with your texts last night. I understand you are a busy guy, I stay pretty busy myself!! Last week you seemed concerned I wouldn't have time for you with my upcoming crazy weeks but there is always a way to find time, I never worry about that.

What I read that you were telling me was -- you are busy, all of the pressure of would be on me  and that you don't really have any time to go out and that's why you are single. It sounded like you were warn me away, trying to push me away.

I never had any expectation of your time or when you text. When you were so busy over the weekend, I had to resist the urge to drop off dinner just so you had something to eat while you were running around. I mentioned I'm a giver, I instinctively want to take care of people whom I care for.

Ultimately, I would like to be an equal.  Where equal effort is put in from both sides.  If that sounds like too much for your life right now, then please let me know.

I typically go with the flow in when getting to know someone - but ultimately I would like to end up dating someone, investing, sharing. Those things are exciting to me. You told me that you always go in hopeful - that you were hopeful this would go somewhere.

Meeting you was exciting to me.  From what you said, we were on the same page. I let my guard down and now I'm going on this rollercoster ride with you. I wish you would just be straight with me so I could get off of this rollercoaster ride that is ending with teary eyes and a deflated feeling as I show up to work on a Monday morning to comments of 'boy you look tired'.


Monday, October 20, 2014

Mixed Signal Guidelines - Must Reads for Every Girl

2 amazing blog posts I came across about mixed signals - written by a guy and very practical advice - a must read for every girl!:

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Old Paths are Easy to Follow

Upon realizing that exposing any level of vulnerability to The Soccer Player immediately triggers fears of unworthiness, I decided to do a little internal exploration.  I found that when vulnerable feelings arise, I immediately veer onto the old, well-worn, path of unworthiness. After all, an old path is easy to follow. Blazing a new path is hard work!  So now I see that trigger, vulnerable = left-turn to Unworthy Street.  So what happens if I go straight through that intersection and blaze ahead on a path that may not be clear, but is certainly new.

What happens if I let the vulnerability feeling flow - can I somehow retrain myself to not fear that my unworthiness will be exposed?  That it is ok to open up, because if it isn’t a fit - then better for me to continue to the path of my true self than to hide myself and seek validation from someone who, ultimately, does not have the right to judge nor validate who I am.  Is there a way to have enough confidence that when my true self shows through (because isn’t that vulnerability - showing who you really are) - I am shining. Not offending.  My insecurities show I care, not that I am weak.

I’ll try very hard not to take the left turn and to stay straight. Because my Personal Legend (thank you The Alchemist), does not include being jaded or crippled by insecurity. My Personal Legend is living in the realm of love. Extending that to others. And contributing my part to make the world a more loving place.


I went out with The Soccer Player again last night. Again we had long, meaningful conversations.  It is clear to me that his ex cheated on him and we have very similar views as to what happened and what implications it has had in our lives.  He is definitely an optimist and worries much less than I do (or possibly not at all).

But through this time together, I’m started to let my guard down a bit and am feeling vulnerable. I instantly freak out and jump right to wondering if he will discover I am weird and unworthy.  I didn’t realize before that I linked vulnerability so closely with unworthiness. I’m scared to show him any deep parts of myself for fear he will either not be who he says he is or else will just flat out turn and run!

So in an effort to not make this a self-fulfilling prophecy, I need to take some deep breaths. Get more sleep so I’m not so emotional. And wait….wait to see what happens next.  Fight the urge to close myself off and - on the flip side - fight the urge to open myself up and seek validation.  Just stay with who I am, knowing I feel uncomfortable when I’m vulnerable and maybe there is something to be learned from that.

Monday, October 13, 2014

New Car Mojo!

Over the weekend I got a new car.  A bit of history: when I got divorced I was driving a Ford Escape out of utility. I hate driving and we needed an SUV so that was adequate. Right the divorce, I traded it in (fully paid off but with very low miles) and got a used Lexus RX.  In my family, owning a Lexus means you have made it in life!  I felt spoiled but moreover, I LOVED the car that I drove - afterall, if I was going to HAVE to be the primary driver, I was going to enjoy it.

This car suited us well for the last 4 years, but I was getting an itch to get something smaller, more sporty. Call it a new phase in my life or a good old fashioned mid-life crisis, I traded in the RX and bought a Lexus GS - a beautiful pearly white sporty sedan. It is light on the inside & out and feels lighter to drive. It perfectly matches where I am and where I’m growing to.

So on Sunday, I picked up The Soccer Player in my new sporty car and we went to my favorite restaurant in the city to celebrate (note: this is the one and only time I will ever pick a guy up on a second date, it was purely to cruise around in the new wheels...LOL)  We talked nonstop over dinner as I listened to stories of his family and his home (Istanbul).  When I took him home, we kissed - the way a perfect second date kiss should be and then we made plans for date number three.  This new car has definitely increased my mojo!

So far, he  has been soft and open, not hard and partially shut off like most guys I have dated.  Most of all, he is constantly smiling, which has a way of making you feel like everything is ok when you are with him.

The ironic part of this all is that I was happy BEFORE I met him.  Usually when I meet someone I’m interested in, I get that surge of elation and hope that fuels me right into the happy zone. But this time, I was already there. So as we enjoyed a long dinner my only thought was to slow down and soak it all in, enjoying every delicious bite.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Tinder Date #12

I had lunch with a federal agent today!  If you are keeping count, this is 2 dates in 18 hours which you would think would be an impressive stat but is rather exhausting in practice. Esp since the date with The Soccer Player went so well, The Fed had a high bar to meet. Though very nice guy with a lot of energy, he wasn’t a match. So I used the opportunity to learn about money laundering and what being a federal agent entials.  Enjoyable lunch - but looking forward to date #2 with The Soccer Player.

Tinder Date 11: The Soccer Player

Last night I met The Soccer Player whom I’ve been texting with for close to 2 weeks.  We went for drinks at the nicest bar in my town (which is also my standard first date place). He is European, very cute, used to play professional soccer when he was younger, now works at a local University and is training to try out for minor league soccer here.  

We had pretty easy conversation for 3 hours. His whole face is a smile so it made for a more comfortable conversation. He was very clear that he’s looking for a relationship. He still believes in one true love, as that is what his parents had.  So of course I’m sitting there wondering if he can read ‘jaded’ across my forehead. I don’t know about one true love.  I can barely feel anything, as my guard popped right back up after the acceleration and the abrupt end of The Good Doctor.

I mean, I hope to meet one person, stick with them, and work at a lasting relationship. But do I think there is just one right person in the entire world?  Definitely not. The world is a big place! Maybe he wasn’t implying one right person, maybe he was referring to one commitment that you honor.  Either way, he’s a romantic at heart. Maybe because he’s European!

He asked for a second date while we were wrapping up drinks. Then he walked me to my car and was grinning at me -- and in the awkwardness of the moment, I didn’t know what to do so I hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.  I’m not even sure why I did it - maybe to thank him for being him - a true romantic who never gave up those ideals. Or maybe just to fill up an awkward moment!  Either way, next time there is an awkward moment, I’m going to offer a high five.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Toughing it Out on Tinder

I saw this hilarious sign on The Berry app and had to share.
Tinder dates 11 and 12 are lined up, I’ll spill the details once they actually happen.  In the meantime I’ve been contemplating if perhaps a new car and/or adopting a dog may finally crush the desire to have a boyfriend, as I’ve been indulging in my freedom and my peaceful life with Grace and I’m not thrilled about the idea of that being disrupted right now.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Revising the 1st, 2nd and 3rd Date Checklists

I don’t get it - how is this an acceptable invitation: “Cuddle date. 8pm tonight. I’ll bring wine”.  This came from someone on Tinder after exchanging a bit of witty banter then bam - the d-bag invitation.  I politely declined and let him know that guy’s looking for cuddle dates with girls they’ve never met are not on the same page as me (to which he replied that I shouldn’t judge him against other guys I’ve met before! LOL!!!)

I’m revising my February 24th checklist:

Must have for a 1st date:
  • Smart
  • Educated
  • Makes me laugh before meeting him
  • Has varied interests outside of sports and drinking

Must have for a 2nd date:
  • Intelligent
  • Made me laugh on the 1st date
  • Career oriented
  • Kind
  • Has some opinion about musical tastes (for some reason guys who don’t care about music tend to not care about much else either)

Must have to move past the 2nd date:
  • Caring
  • Generous
  • Is continually seeking to learn more/grow
  • Can hold a conversation that dips below surface level topics