I went out with The Soccer Player again last night. Again we had long, meaningful conversations. It is clear to me that his ex cheated on him and we have very similar views as to what happened and what implications it has had in our lives. He is definitely an optimist and worries much less than I do (or possibly not at all).
But through this time together, I’m started to let my guard down a bit and am feeling vulnerable. I instantly freak out and jump right to wondering if he will discover I am weird and unworthy. I didn’t realize before that I linked vulnerability so closely with unworthiness. I’m scared to show him any deep parts of myself for fear he will either not be who he says he is or else will just flat out turn and run!
So in an effort to not make this a self-fulfilling prophecy, I need to take some deep breaths. Get more sleep so I’m not so emotional. And wait….wait to see what happens next. Fight the urge to close myself off and - on the flip side - fight the urge to open myself up and seek validation. Just stay with who I am, knowing I feel uncomfortable when I’m vulnerable and maybe there is something to be learned from that.
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