Thursday, June 28, 2012

Walk of Life

It’s been a long, slow, week. I haven’t heard from My Crush. Semi-unbelievable that someone could spend time with a person as awesome as me and not be drawn to spend more time together. But alas, it look like this is a one-sided crush.  Seriously though...this is the first guy I *thought* had promise in such a long time. And I really am in disbelief that he didn’t bother getting in touch this week, as he said he would. I guess that says something for his character. Perhaps it says something for my judge of character.

I went to the orchestra with The Model and 2 friends last night.  After no dinner and a few drinks, my head was in a bad place between work and the recent boy craziness so (in a moment of bad, bad judgement) I randomly decided that I should be dropped off at The Twinkie’s place because I didn’t want to go home and did not want to continue the evening with The Model (he’s a really good guy, but definitely not for me). So pretty tips and no real plan, I texted Twinkie and invited myself over. I guess I was looking for comfort from a friend (not “comfort”...I mean literally, comfort).  And I should know not to look to The Twinkie because my lingering feelings make me too vulnerable to let him any closer by opening up. So instead, I plodded off to bed and I had a minor meltdown before passing out for the night.

I’m finding that lately I keep having “WTF is going on with my life” moments. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. This isn’t what I signed up for. And sometimes I look around (as I did last night) and wonder WTF am I doing here??  And why am I doing any of this at all?  Life seems to unsturdy. Not trustworthy. Uncertain. Downright scary. As one friend put it ‘many people who get divorced mutually agree that the relationship is no longer working. With yours, the ex took an axe to it and never gave you a choice’.  How long does it take to finally heal from such a wound? It feels like forever.

As I was driving into work this morning after the emotionally rollercoaster of a night, I asked a good friend, who is also going through a tough time, what is the point & why do we keep going, we couldn’t really come up with a straight answer.  Then at lunch, I heard the answer in the grocery store:  You do the walk, do the walk of life.  Yes, the sage, Mark Knoppler (from Dire Straits) is right - it’s the walk of life. It’s all you can do. It’s why you do it. You just keep going, doing the walk of life. 

Monday, June 25, 2012

Crushin' Hard

Everything came out clear for Grace’s heart!  Just a plain old irregular heart beat - woohoo!  The relief was rolling off of me in waves on Friday!

Once the tests were run and Grace was pronounced a healthy and happy baby, I packed my car and headed for the shore, for yet another adventurous weekend.  The first person I meet up with at the bar on Friday night is Hot Hair from last summer (known to some by the name of the place where he works, which I will not add here).  We danced and hung out and generally had a very fun night.

The next day I spent laying on the beach and listening to NPR podcasts with Hot Roommate. Later in the day we went for a walk and got ice cream, talked about our families, hobbies, etc. It was really quite sweet (literally!)  When we got to the bar Saturday night I realized that Hot Roommate was really not the appropriate title for him, more like My Crush.  I like this boy. I really like him. I knew it since the moment we met and haven’t been able to shake the feeling since.  And every minute I spend with him, I like him more.

So as I was watching him pick up another girl and see that she too was entranced by his charm, I realized I needed to fess up to my feelings or else I would spend the entire summer subjected to this without a chance to possible have it be any different.  So I pushed my shoulders back, shook my hair, put on my best Erika Kane smile and walked right up to him and said “I usually take the high road, but this time the gloves are coming off. I want you to ask me out on a date. and maybe you don’t want to ask to now or maybe you will never want to ask...but I am going to do everything in my power to make you want to ask me out.”  He laughed and informed me that our little ice cream escapade was as good as a first date so I amended my declaration to be a 2nd date. As the night unfolded, a few things were made clear: 1) he has no investment in the girl he is ‘seeing’ and that he enjoys hanging out with her but should she ever want more, he would cut it off.  2) he wants this to be his ‘single summer’ as it is the first and likely last beach house he will do. He just got out of a four year relationship and his is his single time.  3) I told him it’s his free will to meet whatever girls he wants to but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to make it difficult for him by making them seem less enticing than the alternative (me!).  I figured if I want to talk to him rather than any other guy at the bar, maybe he might want to talk to me rather than other girls. Who knows, stranger things have happened!

I’m not really sure where things stand now, except there is an undeniable attraction and we both enjoy spending time together.  I can’t have any expectations though, as he has been clear he’s not looking for a relationship. And as much as I’d love to live in a romance movie, I don’t expect that to happen in real life. What I can hope for is that maybe he chooses to talk to me next time we are at the bar, rather than other girls.  And maybe he starts to take more and more notice of me.  But if not, then I’ll move on because I’m not settling for anything less. I’m not chasing (nor was this a move to ‘chase’, this was a move to be honest).  I put my thoughts out there, what he chooses to do is up to him. For now, I need to continue living my life.

And coincidentally that life includes going to the orchestra with my Trifecta friends (the 3 of us forming said ‘trifecta) along with....Hot Model!  Eat your heart out My Crush, Wonder Woman is in demand....

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Keep Calm and Eat Cake

A couple of friends from work and I were commiserating over all of the change and uncertainty in our workplace over lunch today.  Left with not much to make us smile, we turned to the usually go-to: sugar!  We drove to the best bakery, arguable anywhere, but definitely in our immediate area, and ordered a colorful cake and had “Keep Calm and Eat Cake” written on top in bright pink icing.  We brought it back to share with the team who are all equally on edge and equally in need of a chuckle.

As we lavished in this delectable delight, I couldn’t help but think how true the quip was for my life right now: Keep Calm and Eat Cake.  I am doing everything in my power to improve my work situation and I’m addressing Grace’s heart issue with the information that I currently have. There is nothing to be done until more information is available. And while the uncertainty of both situations is anxiety-provoking, I am trying hard to keep perspective and focus on enjoying what is right in front of me - Cake!!

Monday, June 18, 2012


It’s been a while since I posted, mainly because I haven’t known how to make sense of my thoughts.  More change on every front and it is exhausting.

Grace had a virus last week and when I took her to the doctor they found an irregular heart beat.  The cardiologist who saw her test results wants her to come in for more testing which will take place this friday. My family has a history of heart problems, heredity or otherwise, and this is the scariest, most sensitive nerve for me. How could something be wrong with my perfect angel?  Why does the universe keep picking on us? Haven’t we been through enough? I know everyone says that these things do not happen as a form of punishment but it sure feels like it because every time I get on my feet and start to feel comfortable, a wave hits and I’m drowning again.

Coupled with the anxiety of Grace’s impending heart diagnosis, everything in my formerly-amazing work environment is changing. People are leaving right and left. The company is reorganizing (yet again).  Coming to work used to be a safe haven, surrounded by people I cared about and who cared about me. Now the office is slowly emptying out and each day I walk in, it is wrought with anxiety and uncertainty from those who are still here.

And now I’m just exhausted. I’m tired. I need a break.  I felt like this a few months back and here it is again. The wave hits and I’m gasping for air.  A bit of a kitcshy end to this post, but nonetheless true: you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.

I’ve posted many great things that have happened throughout the course of this transformation to Wonder Woman and frequently try to end on a positive note.  But this time, it is all so uncertain. And uncertain translates within me as scary. As much as I keep telling myself I can get through anything...and that everything does work’s just scary right now.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Facing Forward

Last night I hung out with The Model that I met at the shore over Memorial Day weekend. Totally a random, spontaneous get together with drinks flowing and tons of fun.  He’s sharp, hot and funny. Challenging in a conversation, very intriguing.  Though we have fun hanging out, it’s not going to go anywhere. He’s not looking for a relationship and I am not really interested in dating him seriously anyway. Somehow with the removal of any expectations, it makes him the perfect summer fling!!

I’m headed back to the shore house this weekend. Only the Hot Roommate who I am still crushing on won’t be there and The Model won’t be I found myself tempted to invite the Twinkie to come down for a night. Until I remembered (thanks for Hot Hair friend) that that is an absolutely awful idea!!  It’s time to face forward.  No more wasting time with guys who will go in a circle and amount to nothing. Summer fling is great because there are no expectations from the beginning so not hurt feelings (and should there be hurt feelings, the fling would come to a rapid end). But with Twinkie or any other guy from the past, there are already feelings and some amount of expectations attached and not only would it likely result in hurt feelings but it would also take away from valuable time of meeting new people (friends or otherwise!)  So back to the shore I go....a brave new world.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Closing a Chapter

The weekend was very relaxing and restful as my family gathered from Grace’s Baptism. It was wonderful to have families from all sides come together as Grace was baptized with not 2 but 6 Godparents - a set each from my mom, dad and her father’s sides so that she is tied to each part of the family and doesn’t have the disjointed family experience that many children of divorce have. The day was a happy occasion as we all gathered to celebrate the pure joy of Grace.

Leading up and following the restful weekend...well, that is not quite as relaxing.  Last week I ended up hanging out with the Twinkie at the end of a drunk filled night. As we walked through the city, we saw some young guys getting out of a porche and he inquired ‘why isn’t a girl like you dating a guy like that? why aren’t you dating some great guy’. As we arrived at the park bench, the tears started forming. How could I possibly answer that question?  My initial reaction is that they don’t want to date me, then I remember I’ve met quite a few of ‘them’ and I didn’t want to date them. So all I can manage to sputter out is ‘it’s not that simple’ followed by ‘you didn’t even want to hang out with me!’  There. I put it out there.  The thing that has been bothering me, no, hurting me, for the past few months.

The Twinkie responded and said that he thinks I’m an awesome girl (cue more tears) and that I’m the whole package and a million guys would kill to date me (direct quote. again, cue more tears) but he didn’t feel that if we got together, he would be able to take care of me financially and that it would be difficult for him.  Which I do understand. And the fact is, I knew I didn’t want to be with him either. But it took until that very moment where he spelled it out for me, to finally believe ‘it’s him, not me’.  Sometimes I think the universe put him in my path because of his ability to articulate a situation and honesty to admit what is really going on.Whereas no one I’ve been with in the past is able to admit any shortcomings of their own, always projecting on to me to bring me down a few notches to their level, The Twinkie has repeatedly told me that this was about him and where he is in his life, not about me and followed with many lovely compliments that he had no reason to share except that he believes them to be true.

It was a very touching moment.  I did finally hold him accountable for his poor treatment when we did hang out and he owned up to that. But he said how much he cares about me (as friends, of course) and we had a long talk on confidence. The one thing I still struggle with.  Why I lack confidence and don’t believe there is a single guy out there for me and why he believes there are a ‘million’ just waiting for the chance.  It’s given me a lot to think about...why I still don’t feel completely confident in myself, though when I look back I can see that it has built up over the past year from rubble to a stronger sense of self.  Also, he advised that I need to protect myself. Which is great advice. I spend all of my time thinking about what the other person is thinking and lose focus on what works for me.  So the question is: what works for me??

Friday, June 1, 2012

Out with the Old, In with the New - Part 2

Introducing 2 new characters from the first weekend at the beach:

Hot Roommate - yup, there is a hot guy in the house. He reminds me a lot of Ken Doll and we hit it off very easily (and much to both of our surprises). He is ‘seeing’ someone in the city but has made it clear that she is not and will never be his girlfriend. However, he also made it clear he doesn’t want to commit to anyone during the summer, as he just got out of a long relationship.  However, much to my chagrin, even as he went to talk to cute girls in the bar, I found myself with pangs of jealousy because I had the most fun hanging out with him, versus any of the other guys at the bar.

The Model - since Hot Roommate really isn’t an option and I have been going through a bit of a bored streak, I meant The Model (formerly for Hugo Boss).  He is beautiful, sharp, also divorced, and tons of fun.  We hung out one night over the weekend but I’m not sure if we will hang out again. He’s not really dateable as neither his mindset nor taste in entertainment aligns with mine, but I suspect if we both find ourselves at the shore at the same time, another hang out is possible.