Thursday, June 28, 2012

Walk of Life

It’s been a long, slow, week. I haven’t heard from My Crush. Semi-unbelievable that someone could spend time with a person as awesome as me and not be drawn to spend more time together. But alas, it look like this is a one-sided crush.  Seriously though...this is the first guy I *thought* had promise in such a long time. And I really am in disbelief that he didn’t bother getting in touch this week, as he said he would. I guess that says something for his character. Perhaps it says something for my judge of character.

I went to the orchestra with The Model and 2 friends last night.  After no dinner and a few drinks, my head was in a bad place between work and the recent boy craziness so (in a moment of bad, bad judgement) I randomly decided that I should be dropped off at The Twinkie’s place because I didn’t want to go home and did not want to continue the evening with The Model (he’s a really good guy, but definitely not for me). So pretty tips and no real plan, I texted Twinkie and invited myself over. I guess I was looking for comfort from a friend (not “comfort”...I mean literally, comfort).  And I should know not to look to The Twinkie because my lingering feelings make me too vulnerable to let him any closer by opening up. So instead, I plodded off to bed and I had a minor meltdown before passing out for the night.

I’m finding that lately I keep having “WTF is going on with my life” moments. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. This isn’t what I signed up for. And sometimes I look around (as I did last night) and wonder WTF am I doing here??  And why am I doing any of this at all?  Life seems to unsturdy. Not trustworthy. Uncertain. Downright scary. As one friend put it ‘many people who get divorced mutually agree that the relationship is no longer working. With yours, the ex took an axe to it and never gave you a choice’.  How long does it take to finally heal from such a wound? It feels like forever.

As I was driving into work this morning after the emotionally rollercoaster of a night, I asked a good friend, who is also going through a tough time, what is the point & why do we keep going, we couldn’t really come up with a straight answer.  Then at lunch, I heard the answer in the grocery store:  You do the walk, do the walk of life.  Yes, the sage, Mark Knoppler (from Dire Straits) is right - it’s the walk of life. It’s all you can do. It’s why you do it. You just keep going, doing the walk of life. 

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