The Reality of Being the Odd Mom Out

I adore the show, “Odd Mom Out” for its cunning wit and sharp sarcasm in the depiction of the relatable feeling of not fitting into the phenomenon known as a ‘mom group’.  The show focuses on microcosm of a group of wealth moms from the Upper East Side who mostly have the same environmental variables. The hilarious difference is in the moral grounding of the main character, Jill Weber, that leads to conflicting parenting priorities as compared to her head-in-the-clouds socialite family and extended circle of friends.

However, despite the hilarity of the high-pressure parenting expectations of New York’s social elite, 

many single moms experience the true reality of feeling like the odd mom out on a daily basis. Single, working moms are the minority, usually not heard from because we are too busy trying to keep our kids, career and home afloat without missing a beat.  We are underrepresented and inaccurately portrayed on television; I’ve never met a single mom as relaxed as Lorelai on the “Gilmore Girls” and there are few, if any, other referenceable examples of starring solo mom roles.   

Unlike on television, in real life single moms set our own expectations that we need to fill the rolls of both mom and dad, resulting in a self-imposed a bar requiring 200% effort at all times so our children will be minimally impacted by a two-household lifestyle.

I’ve been a single mom since my daughter was an infant and I’ve spent the last five years feeling like the odd mom out. At first, the feeling of being the odd mom out manifested itself at birthday parties, where I was the only single parent (I don’t know where the 50% divorce rate statistic exists, but it is not in the Pre-K set).  I thought the other moms assumed something must be wrong with me that I didn’t have a husband in tow. Or worse, if my daughter got a ‘boo boo’, I was terrified of being judged for not successfully preventing every possible scrape or bruise.  So I kept to myself in a nice cozy corner and spent the time mindfully examining my piece of birthday cake as if I were a pastry-obsessed Sherlock Holmes.

During the course of raising a five-year-old, many special occasions have presented an opportunity to do cutesy things for holidays, teacher recognition, birthdays, etc.  Pinterest has provided a platform for resourceful DIY moms to construct adorably creative crafts, gifts and accessories for all occasions. If I had a dollar for every time someone said “you should check this out on Pinterest”, I would have enough for my daughter’s college tuition! Despite my lack of culinary expertise, I once attempted to make “easy pizza twists” which turned out looking like a volcano had melted down on my stove top. Being craft-challenged and time-restricted, every birthday in my house has been filled with store-bought goody bags and each teacher appreciation event has been accompanied with a gift card; and I have a Pavlovian-level cringe response every time I hear the word Pinterest. 

The one thing single moms have is time to themselves. Many married moms tell me are jealous that I have ‘time to myself’, but I’m sure if they had legally obligated time away from their children, they would not covet this ‘free time’. Either way, I made single friends who like to go out, see some concerts, and check out new hot spots.  But I quickly learned that singles go out on a whim, and many nights I had my daughter and couldn’t drop everything to hit up the cool event that evening.  I enjoyed single-life gossiping about dating successes and hilarious failures but my stories were also peppered with the saga of losing baby teeth and the funny things my daughter would say at dinner. 

Feeling disheartened and disconnected, my odd mom out sensitivity reached a breaking point when, at an elementary school fair, my daughter’s feelings were hurt when her two friends hopped on a ride that only allowed two kids at a time. Despite my continual efforts to reassure her that they did not leave her out and they did want to play with her, that it was purely the bad timing of the break in the line – she melted down and sat on a hill, sobbing with hurt feelings. I sat down next to her and my eyes welled up with tears because I couldn’t honestly say I felt any differently. I looked around and desperately wanted to find another single parent at the event who could empathize but it was clear this was solely on my shoulders.  I started to wonder how I was going to be enough support her for the next 13 years of her grade school life.

And just when I was sure the evidence was damning enough to prove I was, in fact, the odd mom out, my daughter’s friends’ parents came over and reached out to us. They shared stories of how they helped their children with similar sensitivities. They repeatedly offered help anytime I needed it, telling me that I can’t be afraid to ask when I need a helping hand. And they talked about future fun things for our kids to do together. That night, we all walked home together in a group of giggly kids, babbling toddles and ever-tired yet jovial adults. 

At the end of the evening, I stopped to observe the scene and I realized I was never the odd mom out. Just because my situation is not the same as other families, as parents and children, we were no different.  Moreover, the same parents who reached out to me at the fair were also at those initial birthday parties. It wasn’t just me who was worried about being judged for what might happen to my daughter – it was every mother.  And the Pinterest moms who have enviable creative skills, resources and time – well they have told me they don’t know how I do it. They don’t judge my store bought party favors, they are impressed I pull together a fun party for my daughter year after year.

Although single moms frequently feel like the odd mom out, not fitting neatly in with any one social circle, the fact is that we fit in to all circles. We have the spirit of being single and active and we have the worries that come with being a mother.  I will be forever thankful for that night where I realized we are all in this together, raising our children to the best of our abilities and offering a hand when someone needs a little extra help.

Catching up

It has been a fairly mundane start to the week so I thought it would be a good time to catch up on loose ends.  

Over the weekend I celebrated my birthday with friends and family, and after a year of feeling disconnected, it was a fantastic way to kick off my new year (as well as getting over the first year post-divorce hump).  I can not thank my friends and family enough for making this birthday extra special and ringing in the ‘new year’ in such a wonderful way!

In other news, I’ve stopped communicating with the Dad aka the Ditcher. The email exchange we were having was growing dull and mundane with a running list of daily happening updates. Whereas my initial attraction to him was his wit and intellect.  Take that away and you have...well, email updates you’d send to your grandma. So I stopped replying, as his last email didn’t even include an open ended question. I figured if he wanted to continue hanging out, he’d get in touch, but of very little surprise, he did not.

On the other hand, a good friend told me about this okcupid site which is much like match.com except free (my online dating philosophy for single moms is that it is a must-do because you don’t have time to ‘put yourself out there’ very often so may as well do it from the comfort of your home)!  One of my 4 ‘dull dates’ came from this site. However, last week I started emailing with a band member of a popular band in the 90’s that could be considered a one hit wonder.  While I find his emails to be fairly self centered (again, lacking open ended questions), Little Buddha informed me that this is because guys don’t know what they are doing and it’s in their nature to just write about themselves. Taking this into consideration, I decided to take a risk and see if he wanted to hang out in person.  He said yes but asked what I’d like to do....and that is what I need to think about today, as I can’t do anything as predictable as some of my normal spots but I also don’t want to go too hipster. I need ‘hip without effort’ - any suggestions?

That wraps up the catch up. I’m sorely missing my friends who lost their jobs last week and I think about them every day.  I am also so thankful for all of the love and support over the weekend from friends & family.  So all in all - it’s a bitter sweet week, but isn’t that how it always is?

New beginnings

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my divorce. The infamous ‘first year’ is finally over.  As I fell asleep last night, I listened to the rain and felt it washing away all the bad that has happened in the past, making way for a fresh start when the morning would come.  I remember a year ago on the same night, it was a drenching rain as well and I knew it was washing away what had came before to prepare a fresh start to my new life.

Today is the first day of my new beginning. I don’t know where to begin to recount the stories and lessons of what transpired in the infamous ‘first year’ but I do know that I survived and came out stronger.  And that is something that no one will ever be able to touch and I will be forever thankful for.  As I stand today, I do not regret anything that has happened. Not my marriage, as without it I wouldn’t be the person I am today - more knowledgeable, wiser, and most importantly a mother to Grace.  Not my divorce, as the marriage was never a fit and I find it to be divine intervention that it ended right after Grace was born and did not drag on a moment longer.  Not my fight to get back on my feet, as that brought resiliency that will carry me through good times and bad for the rest of my life.

I’m not the only one with a new beginning this week.  Two of my good friends from work were laid off this week. It came out of nowhere and was a total shock to them, to me, to our team.  The reasoning in unclear and we are all left trying to make sense of something that seems so unfair. But one thing is for sure, for those two women, they are getting a new beginning. They are leaving an environment that was increasingly stressful and get to redefine who they are in terms of career and goals.  While I can’t pretend to know the hurt and betrayal they likely feel from this awful departure, I do know the strength that comes from surviving and the hope that comes with a new beginning.

Crazy is as Crazy Does

After a month of getting to know Aquaman as friends, I’ve sadly come to realize that he is in such a bad spot right now that nothing more can come from this.  I have made many excuses for guys who were ‘not whole’ (to be politically correct) in the past and I can’t afford to do so anymore.

Need to call it as it is!  Once you know what a person is capable of, regardless of life circumstance, can that really change?  Even when you go through hard times, you know what you are or are not capable of, it’s in the fabric of who you are.  I don’t want to hang with guys who are capable of being crazy!

Which brings me to the bigger picture of this - are all guys crazy? Is it the case that the 20-somethings are just too young to commit (or as a generation, are approaching life as non-committal across the board) and the 30-somethings who have not been married can’t be in a relationship because they’ve developed a trait or habit that is relationship-inhibiting (most commonly that trait is known as ‘enormous ego’ as they’ve deemed themselves too good to be with anyone but a 25 year old swimsuit model)?!?  

As the weather warms up, I’ve been spending my time outdoors and focused on Grace. She is, by far, the coolest person I know (under 3 ft. tall) and pure joy to be around. Maybe Mr. Not-Crazy-Able-To-Commit-While-Still-Having-A-Personality-And-Hot-Body may pop up one of these days but until then I’ll spend my time on things that are pure joy!

ps Dear Mr. Not-Crazy-Able-To-Commit-While-Still-Having-A-Personality-And-Hot-Body - feel free to show up soon, as I need a suitable escort to my birthday festivities next month!

The wisdom of George Michael

"Before this river becomes an ocean,
Before you through my heart back on the floor.
Oh baby I reconsider my foolish notion,
Well I need someone to hold me, but I’ll wait for something more.
Yes, I’ve gotta have faith…"

Since starting this blog, I have been making really great decisions. I have moved away from the Twinkie, because we all know Twinkie’s aren’t healthy for you. I am building a friendship with Aquaman (more to come), and continuing to meet new people.  That being said, it is definitely hard each day to “have faith” and turn down the ‘sugar decisions' in order to make the healthy decisions to build toward what I really want (rather than what is yummy right now!).

This weekend I had dinner/drinks with Aquaman. As just friends, it is really great hanging out.  It is easy to be open and honest about where we are each at (healing) and there is no pressure to say the ‘right’ thing or to be cool (thank God because I totally crack under the pressure to be ‘cool’).  The more I get to know Aquaman, the more sense he makes to me and the more comfortable I am. 

I also hung out with a friend of a friend; we’ll call him ‘the Dad’. He’s older than I am and has 2 kids who are in high school. He dedicated his life to being a dad but also spent quality time figuring out who he is and developing his interests. He was funny, nice, smart, and solid.  Looking forward to hanging with him again.

So although in George Michael’s apropos words ‘Well I need someone to hold me, but I’ll wait for something more.” – I am having faith and waiting for something more, not diving into to the first dessert that will be instant gratification J

PS – Cheshire Cat got in touch this weekend. And you will be happy to know that after a very short exchange, I blew him off. I had nothing left to say to him. He asked about getting together and I let it go because he didn’t materialize over 6 months of ‘let’s hang out’s’ so why would I waste my time now?  It is a great feeling to know that he can no longer get to me….because I’m far too strong to him, even in my superhero infancy.

Juxtapositive

I’d like to report new and exciting adventures however at the moment I am stuck in a bit of juxtapositive state along the path to becoming Wonder Woman (yes, I made up the word Juxtapositive).  You can’t short cut your way to Wonder Woman status, nor can you speed up a healing process (that unfolds in it’s own time). So for right now, it is a melancholy juxtapositive feeling:

• The sad feeling arrives each day when I think about the life I dreamed of that is now gone. Along with relief is underpins the sad, knowing that the negative aspects that would have eventually destroyed me are also gone.
• Focusing on building, planning and putting things in place to fill Grace’s & my life with joy. Along with not yet being in a place where I can feel that joy.
• Relief that the anxiety of dating is gone now that I’m flying solo for a while.  Along with missing the companionship of having someone consistently around*

*Footnote: I was once told I should call people jerks more often when they deserve the title, as I frequently will be 'overly-understanding toward them. Well, to the one who said being friends was his top priority, you are a jerk!**

*Footnote to the footnote: Communication with the Twinkie has dwindled to nothing. Thus qualifying him as a  jerk under the category  ‘sends mixed messages’.  Please ping me if you need help with jerk category classifications.

Calling Time Out!

That’s it - I need a time out! After a whirlwind of a year, i’m tired, flat out exhausted! My adventures in dating, while fun, occassionally dramatic, and always entertaining have left me short of breath and in need of some serious soul searching.
In the last year, I have dabbled with:
The Cheshire Cat - amazing smile, says all the right things, but disappears into thin air - he never showed up!
The Ken Doll - handsome, smart, funny, the whole package. But he has his Barbie and while I wish them the best...well, I really don’t, I secretly hope to hang out with Ken again!
The Twinkie - originally coined during an episode of friends when Monica was dating one of her father’s friends (played by Tom Selleck). Monica’s father referred to his friend’s girlfriend who was in her 20’s as “the twinkie in the city” - not knowing “the twinkie” was his daughter! Twinkies are young, carefree and fun. They are sugar filled and taste good, but Twinkies don’t have the substance that you need when you are in your 30’s and raising a little girl.

There are a few others who have been left out, the basketball player, hot hair, etc. They all fall in the bucket of very fun but it ends at fun!

The trend here is all guys who aren’t ready to invest. I invest so freely and easily that I keep getting hurt. At first I took this as all rejection - the old story of ‘I’m not good enough’, which is all too familiar to anyone who has experienced infidelity first hand. But upon second look, I’m investing in all the wrong guys! I pick amazing friends. Superheros who try every day to make the world a better place. But the guys...I pick the ones that are doomed from the start, investing in guys that will never give the return that I want.

So I’m calling Time Out and taking some time to look inside of myself to find the peace and happiness that I’ve been looking to everyone else to provide for me.

Introduction

“The Itsy Bitsy Spider” is my daughter’s favorite song. I sing it to her every day, showing her the hand motions as she watches with wide eyes. Singing it a second time, I help her tiny fingers through the motions which is consistently received with ripples of laughter. One day, after performing our daily musical ritual, I began to think about how prophetic this song is for my life.

In the month leading up to my daughter’s birth, I was happily climbing up my own water spout, dreaming of the day I would meet my newborn child. After six months of grueling fertility treatments with my husband, I was sitting on the edge of the miracle I had longed for. My dream was coming true in every way.

Grace was born in mid-September and I was elated. How could I be so blessed to have a real-life angel become part of my life? I noticed that my husband was pulling back and becoming withdrawn, but I figured that was not uncommon for a first-time dad who was trying to get his head around life with an infant. So I launched my own personal campaign to reassure him that he was a great dad and that while new babies are tough, things would only get better from here.

Two months after my daughter was born, the rain started to a drizzle and dampen my new life. My husband informed me he was not happy in our marriage and wanted more freedom. I was in shock. This was new information to me! So I spent four gut wrenching weeks speaking with friends, family, and a therapist hoping to find the golden key to restoring our marriage. Unfortunately, a month later, the downpour came. My husband informed me he was having an affair.

A month before our baby was due, while I was still climbing the water spout with dreams of baby dancing in my head, he was testing out the freedom he wanted so badly… in the form of a relationship with another woman. Although many friends pointed out that all of the signs of cheating were there, I defended him until the end. Not my loving husband! He would never do that! He would never intentionally hurt me so badly! When he finally admitted his affair, I broke into a thousand pieces. I had to tell myself to remember to breathe.

The rain came down hard and it surely washed this spider out. My husband made it clear that he was not planning to work on the marriage. His plan was to claim his freedom, including staying in contact with the other woman. I told him he was no longer welcome in our home, effective immediately. Overnight our lives changed permanently.

I awakened the next morning to a vicious physical reaction. I was sick to my stomach, barely being able to pull myself to a sitting position. My best friend, Liz, came over immediately to tend to Grace until my mother arrived. My mother proceeded to take tender, loving care of my daughter and me. Through her wisdom and unwavering love, I learned that I could manage through another day of this torrential downpour.

Christmas was fast approaching and I had to make decisions that would set the tone for our relationship. I reached out to my husband and his parents and invited them to join my family on Christmas morning to celebrate our daughter’s first Christmas. On Christmas morning, it felt like a bucket of cold water had waken me from my peaceful dreams; my vivid dream of our first Christmas together as a family was washed away and I was faced with the cold, stinging reality of the situation my husband had created through his own selfish actions. It was both one of the hardest decisions I had to make and one of the best, because our family, shattered by pain, came together to focus on the love we have for Grace.

During the weeks that followed, an amazing thing happened. The sun came out and the horrible rain actually started to dry. Love and support for my daughter and me came from every area of our lives. Family, friends and even coworkers reached out, making it clear that they were not going to let me fall down. They were going to prop me up and help me take those first steps back up the spout. The outpouring of love was overwhelming. For the second time, I had to remind myself to breathe, as the warmth of the love surrounded me so completely.

Today, despite the daily searing pain, my life’s mission is to ensure my daughter is happy, secure, and surrounded by love. I have the opportunity to dream new dreams. Our possibilities together are limitless. So I find myself climbing up the water spout again. Admittedly I am scared and shaken, but I am also stronger and more determined than ever to be the type of person that my daughter can look to for inspiration when one day life’s inevitable rains come and she finds herself needing to climb up the spout again.