I’d like to report new and exciting adventures however at the moment I am stuck in a bit of juxtapositive state along the path to becoming Wonder Woman (yes, I made up the word Juxtapositive). You can’t short cut your way to Wonder Woman status, nor can you speed up a healing process (that unfolds in it’s own time). So for right now, it is a melancholy juxtapositive feeling:
- The sad feeling arrives each day when I think about the life I dreamed of that is now gone. Along with relief is underpins the sad, knowing that the negative aspects that would have eventually destroyed me are also gone.
- Focusing on building, planning and putting things in place to fill Grace’s & my life with joy. Along with not yet being in a place where I can feel that joy.
- Relief that the anxiety of dating is gone now that I’m flying solo for a while. Along with missing the companionship of having someone consistently around*
*Footnote: I was once told I should call people jerks more often when they deserve the title, as I frequently will be 'overly-understanding toward them. Well, to the one who said being friends was his top priority, you are a jerk!**
*Footnote to the footnote: Communication with the Twinkie has dwindled to nothing. Thus qualifying him as a jerk under the category ‘sends mixed messages’. Please ping me if you need help with jerk category classifications.
It’s been a trying week with the departure of my mentor and friend from my place of employment. The general feeling of isolation continuing to persist every day. And who knew - after you stop dating someone it actually hurts for a while! I got by this week with a little help from my friends....
I thought because I knew I shouldn’t be/didn’t want to be dating Twinkie, that meant that I was ok with it and would move on. I didn’t realize you still feel the hurt and disappointment of the relationship you had hoped for and the glimpse of having a companion that made the isolation melt away, at least for a time. My friends helped put this in perspective with the sage advice of “it hurts - duh!” and said “time will make it better”. Man...I’m so tired of waiting for time to make things better because it does not move nearly as fast as I would like it to! Anyway, very thankful for my friends giving me perspective and helping to break the fixation on whatever happened or did not happen with the Twinkie.
And as for the isolation, as one amazing friend - Super Mom (yes, there is a Super Mom) said, learning to be alone and learning that does not mean you are unlovable or unwanted is what will ultimately bring the title of Wonder Woman. Learning that not only are you ok alone but are actually really great all on your own. She pointed out that experiences will mean so much more because I will have done the hard work to build my foundation and the life that will flow from it. I am very grateful for her perspective.
Lastly, the departure of my mentor and close friend from our workplace. She has been endlessly supportive, opened my eyes to things inside of myself that I didn’t even know where there, built up my confidence in areas that I didn’t think I had anything to offer, showed me my potential and that I have the ability to fulfill it. Words can not express the impact she has had on my life and I will forever be grateful for having her as a friend (and mentor).
In the “Wonder Woman did good” move of the week - I told Aquaman that he was a little too intense too fast and it was freaking me out and suggested we get to know each other as friends. He was very happy with this suggestion and it has been nice slowly getting to know him since. 6 months ago I never would have bent myself inside and out to fit the situation rather than acknowledging the situation isn’t a fit for me. Go WW!
