You're money baby - part 2

I feel a bit disingenuous after my last blog post. It’s not that I don’t think that I should know how ‘money’ I am, but the truth is, I still do not.  The flakiness of the Dad (flakiness = sparse communication over the weekend - not enough to send a clear ‘interested’ or ‘not interested’ signal) threw me right back into the same story: something about me is not good enough.  

How long after an affair does it take for someone to get their confidence back? It’s been almost a year since the big D and I am still feel rejection in each situation, completely ignoring the possibility there is another side to the story (i.e. the other person has their own sh*t going on). I haven’t fully accepted the idea that ‘it’s him, not me’ from my marriage, so I blame myself when things don’t work out as I hoped. How can I just wave  magic wand and make all insecurities melt away and only leave me with my money-esque qualities?

Best comment received on this topic: “I really think you intimate them all with your BOSS like style”*

BOSS as defined by Urbandictionary.com:
1. Incredibly awesome; miraculous; great
2. noun-a person who is a leader, someone who runs shit in his/her hood or city.

You’re money baby!

I hung out with The Dad this week and post-date the same wave of doubts ‘did I say the wrong thing’, ‘was there food in my teeth’, etc etc set in. After not receiving a post-date text (nor one this next morning) letting me know he had a good time, I started to worry that while I had a really good time, perhaps he didn’t share the same experience!  I replayed the evening over and over, looking for any possible moment where I may have mis-stepped, costing me that reinforcing, precious post-date text. 

After spinning possibilities in my head for far too long (which longer than 5 mins is technically ‘far too long’ to spend doubting yourself post date), I thought of my friend, affectionately known as Double Down (as his dating advice is largely derived from the philosophical wonder ‘Swingers’).  Double Down has acted as a pretty stellar dating coach in the past, and I knew exactly what he would say: You’re money baby!  In Swingers, Mikey spent the whole movie pining over an ex-girlfriend, questioning his confidence, his value, & his smoothness.  In the end, he finally got his confidence back and as a result he got the awesome girl (and let go of the annoying ex).  

Such a timeless lesson (and thank God it was recorded in film for all to study, as my friend insisted that I do) - it isn’t about what the other person thinks or doesn’t think. It is about being yourself and knowing that is money, baby!

What do you really want?

It hurts when someone you care about suddenly changes tracks and pulls back. You don't know why. Personally, I tell myself it must be because of me. Well, I'm tired of telling myself that. And tired of letting someone elses actions make me feel bad. Tired of analyzing why they are acting the way.

So I asked myself what do I really want?  Do I really want this person to go back to acting as before so as to relieve my anxiety over why their behavior suddenly changed?  No because that is a band aid. That is feeding the addiction of basing my worth on another person. Screw that!

What I want for myself is to know that I’m ok regardless of what is going on with someone else. To feel confident enough in who I am that if someone else changes tracks I won’t take it personally because I’m living my life.

Saying “Yeah, I Know”

As you can probably tell by now, I’m having a crisis of confidence. I’ve spent so much time telling myself negative things that it has skewed my perception of what is really there.

You may be curious about what Wonder Woman gives up for Lent. No, it is not the empty calories of extra doughnuts or cursing when bad guys scuff my awesome red patent leather boots....I gave up thinking negatively. It really doesn’t work for me anymore.

But giving up those annoying negative thoughts isn’t enough - I need to boost up the confidence. Frequently when people pay me a compliment, I reply “thanks I appreciate it”. Because I feel genuinely thankful that they said something nice which I then proceed to discredit in my head and dismiss. Those days are over! It’s time to say “Yeah, I know”. When someone astutely points out one of my many Wonder Woman-esque qualities, it’s time that I step up and own it - “Yeah, I know!” Because deep down, I know that quality is true. And the other person knows it too, they are the one who said it!

Ok, it may seem a little cocky at first. But when you are Wonder Woman in the midst of a crisis of confidence - you need a confidence boost! Yeah, I know!