Monday, August 11, 2014

“You cannot keep letting these guys and your past ruin you”

For weeks, probably about 2 months now, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster and haven’t been able to put my finger on what was causing it - so I’ve done whatever I could to escape the feeling. Finally over the weekend, I realized what was underlying -- I’ve been divorced for over 3 years now and I’m still single. I feel like a reject. Like my husband rejected me, followed by a long line of guys since (although I know that isn’t quite true because I turned down more than half).  I have this overwhelming feeling that my friends are getting married, having babies and having more babies - and I’m standing still while everyone else moves forward without me.  I feel bad for Grace because she has a mom who is rejected and broken rather than the mother she deserves. Sometimes I wonder if she can tell how broken I feel inside.  This has been my inner voice for the last couple of months. This is why I’ve been so fixated on the last few guys - because I thought if someone would just like me then my life would move forward and I wouldn’t be a reject anymore.  It is total fear. The fear of unlovable is so strong that it creeped in when I wasn’t looking and slowly took over my thinking.

I know I need to change my story: that my husband was broken and couldn’t be in a relationship. I didn’t deserve how he treated me the whole time & I never deserved to be 2nd in his life.  He left because he was too broken to know how to stay.  And that long line of guys just weren’t a fit. And I learn each time and try to make better decisions, even if sometimes I slip. And Grace is lucky to have a really strong person as a mother. Super hero strong. I NEED to keep telling myself these things and to be extra compassionate while I’m hurting and feeling vulnerable.

I shared this with my single-mom friend this weekend and among her empathy and wisdom she also said, “You cannot keep letting these guys and your past ruin you.”  She’s right. The story has to change. The fear of being unlovable is strong but the power of the love that surround you (or me) is stronger.

No comments:

Post a Comment