Friday, February 14, 2014

Resolution for No Resolution

I typed up an entire email to Chap essentially saying that I’d like him to make amends for taking my feelings for granted and for saying such awful, unfair and untrue things about me. He never gave a true, deep apology because after the last blow up happening, I left and asked him not to contact me again. It says a lot that I was so scared that I felt the need to just flat out leave. I didn’t give him room to say anything and after it calmed down a bit, he said he was respecting my wish for space to find closure.  Yet, in doing so, I am left with that need for vindication. Exactly as the Tiny Buddha article wrote. 

I kept picturing him feeling SOOO awful for how he acted that, despite my request for space, he would reach out and issue a deep, thorough apology, admitting to all of his wrong-doings.  How could he just walk away after he made such a disaster of things?  So I typed up an entire email for him, clearly stating my case for why I am owed amends, and THANKFULLY, I did not address it, but rather saved it in drafts until the wave of strong emotion washed over and I could see clearly what I was looking for.  I want to feel good again.  That is what I was looking for. 

I re-read the Tiny Buddha article “How To Move On When You’re Hurt and Waiting for Closure” to find the motivation to ‘save to drafts’ rathe than send, and this line popped out:

However, in looking for this type of closure, we are often giving away our power. We’re saying, “I cannot move past this experience until…”
What we actually desire is an internal, emotional shift. We want to feel better!

That is exactly what was driving me and I didn’t want to give one more ounce of power away to someone who has done nothing to deserve it. I don’t need someone who is broken and cray cray to tell he me is sorry. I need to forgive myself for letting him into a position where he was able to hurt me so badly and let the strong waves of emotion pass until one day they aren’t that strong anymore…and then poof – he is gone altogether.  I am coming to a resolution to be ok with no resolution.

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