Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Eat, Pray, Read, Write, Play, Love, Forgive - Heal

Things with Chap ended on a very painful note and I have healing to do.  I won’t get into the details of what caused the pain but I need to articulate for myself how to start healing.

I went to church today to pray/meditate and as soon as I sat down I started crying and saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry”.  So I realized the first thing I need to do is forgive myself.  I believed in someone and gave them a chance - to see if they would add more good to my life. When I saw the answer was no, I ended it and left. There is no shame in that. However, I have a tendency to assign guilt to myself for not seeing it more clearly from the start and for putting myself in a position to be hurt badly.

Once I changed my thoughts from “I’m sorry” to “Please help me heal”, I realized I need to eat. When I’m upset, the first thing that goes in my appetite, as it is replaced by unending nausea. I need to take care of myself, and good food is the first step.

I also realized I need to feed my soul. I need to meditate to introduce moments of quiet into all of the noise in my mind. Admittedly, this is the part where I am the worst. Everyone says “I’m not good at meditating” - that’s not what I mean. I don’t know if I’m good or not at meditating because I always find something else to be doing rather than sitting still and quieting my mind to see what happens!

Since I am still fighting for the discipline to get myself to sit still in silence, I find my meditation in a few other forms, the main one being reading. Gaining perspective by reading about the thoughts and experiences of others.

Soon Grace will be home and perhaps the most healing of all, we will play and I will soak in her laughter.  Without levity, what else have we got?

So in the end, all of these things are how I am loving to myself and will ultimately help me heal.

What do you do when you need to heal?

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