Wednesday, May 7, 2014

"I had hoped..."

“I had hoped” is said to be one of the saddest phrases. And as I let the solitude settle down around me and embrace my time alone, I find the phrase “I had hoped…” pops up frequently. I had hoped there would be someone there to share these experiences with. I had hoped there would be someone there to help with Grace threw a tantrum. I had hoped someone would be there to help.  My marriage did not turn out as I had hoped, but I’m ok.  And I’m quite sure one day I will turn around and be thankful that divorced happened because it freed my from a very limited, unhappy life.

Pema Chodron talks about letting go of hope - I think she means in terms of setting yourself up for disappointment. But it is nearly impossible not to hope for good things for yourself and your loved ones.

This weekend my dog was diagnosed with SARDS. In about 2 days he went totally blind. It was devastating at first, as I had hoped he would live a happy, loved life.  He still seems as vibrant as ever, although a little more tentative as he adjusts to relying fully on his other senses.  So although it is an adjustment for him and for Grace and I, I can already see that his strength and determination is shining through and even if it is not how I had hoped, it is ok.

Unfortunately his bloodwork also came back irregular - slightly elevated indicating a possible problem with kidney functions.  I had hoped he would love a long, healthy life. I don’t get the results of the follow up tests until tomorrow. I do hope they are ok.

I am trying to remember that even if things do not turn out as I had hoped, that does not mean they won’t be ok...or even better.

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