Friday, October 19, 2012

Hand over heart

First, come into the present. Flash on what’s happening with you right now. Be fully aware of your body, its energetic quality. Be aware of your thoughts and emotions.

Next, feel your heart, literally placing your hand on your chest if you find that helpful. This is a way of accepting yourself just as you are in that moment, a way of saying, “This is my experience right now, and it’s okay.”

Then go into the next moment without any agenda.

This practice can open us to others at times when we tend to close down. It gives us a way to be awake rather than asleep, a way to look outward rather than withdraw.
-- Pema Chodron

I haven’t written in a while because it’s taken the week to sort out my thoughts.  I had the “I like you, do you like me” conversation with The Runner. Not asking for a commitment or guarantee of what will be, but asking if he already know what won’t be. I’ll spare you the details of the full conversation - the end result is that we are on the same page. However, I was hurt by his hesitation to get into another relationship.  First taking it personally like - hello, I’m great and I’m right here and you would be an idiot to not pursue this. But then realizing that he is anticipating the same crazy as he experienced in his last relationship and is taking his time to really get to know me to see if that comes out. The same as I’m anticipating deception as I experienced in my last relationship and I’m taking my time feeling him out to make sure he is as solid as he seems to be.  I don’t use the word anticipate in a negative way or as self fulfillng prophecy but in the realistic way that when you put your hand on a burner and it is hot, you anticipate the same heat next time. We were both burned and we are both making sure that we are really getting to know each other.  This doesn’t sound like a big revelation right now, but it took me a week to come to peace with it!

As always the timing of the quote of the week is so impeccable.  As I am learning that being scared or having feelings of insecurity are going to come up.  Especially as sensitive spots are triggered. But the tough feelings wash over, the same as the good feelings.  All week I’ve pushed back against the pain that the fear triggers and I started to close down. First on The Runner, then on myself. Luckily I have wise loved ones who provided some perspective. I love the quote above because it reminds me that instead of fighting hard feelings, acceptance is an easier route and next time I will put my hand over my heart and remember that everything is ok.

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