Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Moving backward

The Runner is backing away. After asking him if he would stay with Grace and I as hurricane Sandy hit, and he refused saying he had to stay at his place (that he rents...with 4 other roommates), I asked him if I overstepped bounds and mentioned that his reaction was a little odd.  He then explained that he feels a lot of responsibility dating someone with a kid. More so than any other relationship. And it’s a lot for him to handle. He kept referring to our “lifestyle differences”, which I took to mean the fact that I don’t have free time all of the time.

I told him my view of things: not looking for a father for Grace. If someone is a part of her life (which we are far from that this point), I would like that person to act with integrity and certain morals that she can learn from. To be a positive, supportive role model but not a second parent.  This seemed to ease some of his concerns. I’ll leave out the rest of the conversation as it was basically talking around the same topic: dating someone with a child is a lot for him to handle.

So he’s backing off. And it’s hurting me.  The same ‘knot in the belly, mild nausea’ feeling that I historically get every time I’m unsure as to where things stand with a guy.  This is what really gets to me.  Obviously I’m disappointed that The Runner came on like Superman, wonderful in so many ways, only to back off and treat me with ambivalence rather than interest (not even texting to see if we were ok after Hurricane Sandy hit). But right now I’m less concerned with the outcome of the situation with The Runner than my reaction to the uncertainty of it.

Once again it is consuming my heart and mind. I want to learn how to move through the hurt feelings rather than getting knocked down by them each time. Or else learn how to have my feelings not be hurt quite as badly each time.  Because at the end of the day, if he isn’t strong enough to be with Grace and I then I’m not interested.  I want someone who wants to stay with us during the storm. Who wants to know if we are ok in the aftermath. Someone I can depend on. And right now, The Runner is freaked out at the thought of us depending on him. Despite the fact that my definition of ‘depend’ (be there for, provide support) is different than his (take care of, responsible for), I want to be with someone who can handle my life.  

In the meantime, I need to focus on how to handle my own feelings stemming from uncertainty and the possibility of things not working out.  Any advice?

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