Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Untying the outcome

When I was little, my father used to travel. When my parents were married, all I thought about was the trinket he would bring me upon his return. After my parents divorced, all I thought about was what-if. What if the plane crashed? What if something happened to him? How would I ever find out? Before the age of cell phones, with my mother’s number unlisted, how would the authorities find his daughter to tell her. The not knowing if he would return home safely or not would cause a ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. It would remain there until I knew the outcome.

I have the same ball of anxiety today, from not knowing the outcome. I don’t know if The Runner is going to make the adjustment needed to move forward or if he is going to decide it is too much.  One action says he wants to stay in, one action says he’s not.

After having the shoe drop one too many times, or else being born overly sensitive to every small action or word (thereby reading situations as the shoe dropping when it was more of my own personal tidal wave via perception), I have developed an overriding anxiety of not knowing the outcome.  I go far out of my way to ensure the outcome is positive, lining up cereal boxes, making sure all of the clothes are hanging in the same direction, the towels folded in the same way, things are symmetrical where should be and perfectly askew where needed. I’m convinced these actions will help ensure the best possible outcome of any situation that may arise.

What I’m starting to see is that if you let go of the outcome, the anxiety goes with it. I’m sure you are saying “Duh, Wonder Woman”, but I wonder how many visitors reading this are fully able to let go of the outcome and just see what happens.

I’m very tied to (anxious about) the outcome of The Runner because of a few past experiences (that I come by this honestly).  My I present the evidence:
A) The ex tapered away rather suddenly while sending mixed signals when he had actually decided the marriage was over and he was done. So while my intuition was saying one thing, my senses were hearing a separate story from him until he came clean with his true intentions.
B) Historically, I have taken rejection personally. As if to confirm the theory that I am, in fact, unlovable.
C) Along with B, I have taken rejection to further my personal story that I’m never quite good enough, close but never quite worth of love.

So between past experience and historical storylines, I have an anxious ball in the pit of my stomach. But here’s the kicker:  “A” may be a fact. but B and C are no longer true. I am very sure that if this does not work out, this is the Runner’s issue of not being able to handle responsibility. It’s on him.  As for C, I’ve uncovered more and more proof points that have lead me to the current path that I am actually transforming into Wonder Woman: surviving the divorce, thriving after, raising a wonderful daughter, keeping a warm home, surrounded by supporting, loving friends.  These points along with evidence of how much strength I have gained by not just surviving but the resilience needed to gain more ground was ever lost - these points directly conflict with evidence C.

So if A is a fact, yes, I will be skittish in reaction to people’s inconsistencies. But B and C are no longer applicable, ergo: I am no longer tied to the outcome. Stay or go, my life will move forward as it has, growing with more luster, depth, wisdom and love.  Bye bye anxious knot.  Please re-read this post next time you settle in my stomach.

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