Friday, November 15, 2013

Clandestine Affair Part 2

When we first me, I thought I had hit the jackpot. He treated me like I was worth a million dollars, the compliments were endless and the connection between us was strong.  When he came to visit locally, I opened my heart and my home to him. I knew that he had trust issues, but I naively thought that either I could live with them or he would let them go. To be really honest, we all think we are the one he will change for.  But we are not. He won’t change until he is ready to, or maybe never at all.

The first days were great. The connection was stronger than ever, it felt easy and natural to be together. And then his trust issues kicked in. He twisted things I said around to make it look like I was being less than honest or that I was capable of being devious. The more I would try to explain, the more he would twist it to support his story that I simply can not be trusted. It hurt. Actually, it gutted me. I wanted so desperately for him to see who I really am.  I thought if only he could see me, he would know that I have the strength of moral character that he is looking for and maybe we could make this work.

I didn’t realize it was not possible for him to see me. He said it himself, he sees me through a screen of mistrust. He assumes girls are not trustworthy. And when I tried to prove that I was, he twisted it around to support his story that I was not.  

I feel compassion for him. It would be awful to constantly think that no one can be trusted, to constantly question people's motives. And at a deeper level, not believe that someone could care for you enough that they would be faithful, true and loyal.  Living in constant fear of getting hurt would be exhausting.

I took a chance. I put my heart out there. And I got hurt. At least I lived.  I ended it. I told him that I can not spend time with someone who thinks less of me than who I am.

He still wants to talk, to explain how I got the bad side of his issues and how he doesn’t think I’m a bad person. I’m not sure what the point is. I can listen. I can empathize with what it is like to be scared. But I can’t validate that his fears have merit and I can’t condone pushing someone away before giving them a chance. So what is left to talk about?  I am hoping just a simple “I’m sorry” and then we will part ways.

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