Clandestine Affair

I met someone. Because of the sensitive nature of how we met, I won’t publish the story right now but may want until after it plays out (no, he’s not married, there is nothing devious going on here...despite the name of the blog post which is more drama than reality).

Here is the scoop:  We met. There was an instantaneous, strong connection. It was a whirlwind.  While I was still floating on cloud 9, he informed me he has trust issues. The trust issues came out and he shut down. We both backed away. He came back and apologized. He owned his issues and didn’t try to put them on me nor wash them away. We continued to talk and the connection remained. I am going to see him again.

However, because he does not live locally, he has informed me that though at times he has considered that there is real, serious potential between us, he can not deal with the trust issues long distance. And that is enough to put a stop to this regardless of how our time together goes.

I decided I have nothing to lose. I’m not dating anyone and if anything, going through the emotional ringer with him just reinforces how much work I need to do on my own. So what is a couple of days of fun together? Seize the day, I said.

My stomach is in knots. I will see him tomorrow.  I am partly excited because the energy that runs between us is electric. I am partly sad because I know it is only energy to be enjoyed in the moment and once these moments slip away, this will be gone as well.

Part of me holds on to that stupid girl hope that I will be the one he changes for. I will be the one he decides is worth taking the risk. But it is only the tiniest sliver, and when I have that thought, I immediately remind myself - I don’t want to invest in someone who can’t see me. Really see me. And if he has trust issues and is “seeing through a screen”, then he isn’t seeing me.

So I’m going into the next few days with the door half opened and the door half closed. If I close the door the whole way, I am saying ‘if you can’t trust me enough to take a risk, then don’t waste my time now’. If I leave the door open a bit I am living...taking a risk...having some fun..and will likely have a bit of heartache in the end. But I will have a good story to tell because of it.

I haven’t blogged for the last 2 weeks because this was unfolding. I’ve been writing it down and will publish it all once the story concludes.