Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Where is My Happy Ending?

Things change so fast, in the blink of an eye I went from feeling like I would never meet someone I would really click with, to being swept of my feet, and not it is a mess with a question mark that looks like it is sliding me right back to where I started - alone...and scared.

I realize the posts below mainly cover the disagreements over trust and the future, because, of course, that is what naturally occupies our minds. However, let me fill in the blanks. During the last month, he made me feel incredibly special. Swept me up faster and more completley than perhaps anyone else ever has. Told me endlessly how naturally beautiful that I am & that I don’t even see it (which I still don’t!). That I’m every guy’s dream. That he liked spending time with me, in my life, with my family. He talks about how kind and generous I am. He apologized for judging me, little by little he came to see me for who I am.  So although we had 3 heated discussions about trust and the future, we came back together all 3 times.  Even as we were having the discussions and even as it would seem the end was near, I knew in my heart it wasn’t. I could feel that there was more there, that neither of us could let go.

Originally, the plan going forward was that he was going to spend time locally with me for three months as part of his job. However, some things happened at his job and as a result he is considering taking a new position which would have him travel locally to where I am twice a year but only for brief periods.  I optimistically said we could find a way to extend those visits by adding on vacation, that I could visit him twice a year and he could even come here an additional two times on vacation. He said he feels this is not sustainable. And rather than trying for a bit to see how it goes, he is inclined to let go now, before we get more attached.

In my head, I was sure I would see him again. I didn't say "goodbye" when he left, I thought it was just "bye for now". I was planning to visit over New Years and one way or another he would travel back to my area for work, old job or new job.  It never occured to me that he would say let go now before we get any deeper in. I want to shout and scream that this isn’t fair. He continues to say how much he’d like to spend more time with me but between his trust issues and the pure logistics of dating long distance, he feels it doesn’t have a chance.  I, on the other hand, maintain my fairytale mindset that if you really want something, you find a way to make it happen. It isn’t ideal and it would take work, but nothing is impossible.  But the harsh reality is that he is saying he doesn’t want to try. He won’t work at it.

Nothing has been decided yet, but I am preparing myself.  As fast as he came into my life, he might be gone just as quickly.  It is weird thinking that he hasn’t always just been a part of my daily routine even though its been such a short amount of time. And it guts me to think he may no longer be a part of my daily routine.

Although I was sure during previous disagreements that we weren’t ready to let go, I am very scared that he is ready to let go this time. And maybe letting go is right - that scares me even more - unless this works out, either way I’m going to take a fall. So I can take the fall now or add three stories to it and take a much bigger fall later. Either way it will hurt. Why does it seem not possible that things can just work out? Where is my happy ending?

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