Monday, December 2, 2013

"Hustling for Certainty"

He is opening up. Beyond all doubt, he is moving toward me, not away. At this point, I think it is only fair that he is given a name for reference, since he has been a recurring theme over the last 5 weeks or so - so he shall be called Chap.  

I would say that I didn’t expect it because my heart did not believe Chap could just cut things off. In my heart I believed that if he opened his eyes and removed his screen of distrust, he would see me. And that is exactly what happened. He told me that he looks at me different now; I am everything he looks for. He apologized multiple times for his doubt and distrust and said that I opened my home and my life to him, made him feel a part of something.  He said he is beginning to get past his trust issues and thanked me for that (to which I replied it has nothing to do with me, only he can choose to trust).

We are talking about the future again. We agreed not to hang out with anyone else until we see each other again. There isn’t much reference past the next time we see each other but that is enough for now. I wasn’t ready for it to end, and now it is not over. I think it should be taken week by week, visit by visit and see what is really there. If it is right, we will find a way to fight for it.  At least, that is my opinion.

He is still worried about logistics if he takes a new job. It will mean less potential time together in an already very long distance relationship.  This scares me. I had nightmares last night that he got the new job and he walked away. Although I think the new job makes things a bit more challenging, I am thankful to have something wonderful to figure out.  He says that new job means we stand less of a chance. I say the new job doesn’t change how we feel, and that is what matters right now.

So I’m holding my breathe. Holding it because he has panicked many times already. He takes a step toward me and then freezes. Then opens up and moves a bit closer, then freezes again. And each time he freezes, I panic that this will be the end.  So I’m holding my breathe that the step he has taking toward me will stick. That maybe, against all odds, he will continue to move toward me.  I’m holding my breathe that even if the other job comes through, the way way we feel will win out over and distance-caused challenges.

I can’t imagine what you must be thinking, reading all of this back and forth, back and forth. My head is spinning. It is a lot to process in a short amount of time. I feel like I’m temporarily suspended in an Alice and Wonderful type dream where you aren’t really sure what is what but you are compelled to go on and figure it out.

All I can say is when a tall, dark, handsome English man sweeps you off your feet, tells you everything you have thought someone should say, puts your needs before his, you are compelled to want more, to find a way to have more.

I am literally living in uncertainty between his fears and the implications of the potential new job. And history (and this blog) is a pretty clear indicator that uncertainty makes my anxiety skyrocket and I usually begin to flail around, reaching for any control possible. So I will focus on breathing, patient, peaceful breathes that will ground me in the one thing that is certain: I am enough, just being me.

“Sometimes when I think I'm praying for clarity, I'm really hustling for certainty. It's so hard for me to remember that there's a difference”. - Brene Brown

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