Thursday, December 12, 2013

How could you?

I am not going to sugar-coat, the end with Chap HURTS! It hurts bad. The night after it happened I literally couldn’t fall asleep because my heart ached so much. I laid there and mustered all of my strength not to contact him, not to tell him how much he hurt me. Because I knew there was no point, I knew I needed to let go, and I knew the ache was my heart letting go of something it had hoped so hard for.

Instead of reminiscing of the wonderful things he said to me, how amazing it felt to be together, I started thinking about how unfair all of this has been. How badly he treated me from his fears. How drained I felt providing constant reassurance that I would be true and this would work out.  How betrayed I felt during that last fight when he turned good parts of me into bad and made blanket hurtful statements about me that no one who truly cared about me would ever believe. No one who truly knew me would ever believe.

I want to shout at him:  How could you”?  How could you do this? How could you let your fears win over the connection we felt. That connection was real and strong. The “good” part of you fit so well with me. Why did you insist it was impossible this could work and then went and made it impossible - all on your own? Why couldn’t you open up and feel all of the good? Believe that it could just be good?  Believe in my feelings for you?  What an idiot!  What a waste!  Don’t ever talk to me again, you cold-hearted, twisted liar. You accused me of being capable of lying when I was nothing but true, but you told yourself lies about me and then you believed them!  How could you!!!!

If this is what I really feel then why does it hurt so badly and why do I have such an urge to reach out to him? To connect with him one more time. When I know he is capable of such single-handed hurt and destruction.

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