Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Sometimes letting go is the most loving thing to do

Things ended with Chap. The quick and dirty version is that once again, I told him of one of my vulnerabilities (go me, that takes courage!) and he took a tiny shred of the truth and twisted it around to support his fear that I was not trustworthy. I spent an entire day defending myself and convincing him that what he was saying was not true, until finally I stopped defending and stood my ground - and then he apologized. He owned the entire thing and said he wanted to change. I was hesitant to even more forward, as the things he said to me during the time when his fear took over were really harsh. He took good things about me and twisted them around into bad. He made me feel badly about myself!  Who does that?

The next day I tried to say I was still uneasy about what happened. I was going to ask to find a time to have a good old fashioned conversation to sort out this pattern and find a way to work together to break it going forward. A way to handle things differently that would be positive for both of us. However, he latched right on to my uneasiness and used it to say that he apologized and I’m still upset with him and it is unsustainable if I won’t just accept it.

Though I reiterated over and over that I was trying to open a conversation about the cycle, not the details of what happened - he held on to his story that this is too much and it needs to be let go.

Everyone has their own truth. He constructed a story to support his fears that this couldn’t work out, he literally made it a self-fulfilling prophecy.  My truth is that I did my part WELL!  I was strong, positive, supportive. And when he says “this is too all much”, I know it is not me, it is his trust issues and the stress the distance causes him. He cannot for one minute honestly say I did anything to contribute to this not working, but he can weave his story of half truths and twisted facts to ease his conscience that he gave up on something that had a lot of potential.

It is only causing me more stress coming up with knotted explanations of why he told me last week I am everything he looks for and why this week “it is all too much and he needs to leave it”.  Here is what I know to be true: The first week we met, he told me three things: 1) he sometimes accuses girls of things that didn’t really happen 2) he cuts and runs really quickly 3) he was scared because of this he would hurt me.  He did all three of those things. And now I am hurt.

But I stayed true to myself. I didn’t bend to try to please him or make his issues better. I stood my ground and knew my worth.  I was a dreamer, I looked at who he could be and didn’t pay attention to who he was telling me he was - in his words “I am not a person who can handle distance”.  That is the truest fact of all.

We exchanged a few emails where I made it clear my hope had been to work together and grow together. But without trust, it can’t grow. And if something isn’t growing, sometimes letting go is the most loving thing to do.

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