"Hustling for Certainty"

He is opening up. Beyond all doubt, he is moving toward me, not away. At this point, I think it is only fair that he is given a name for reference, since he has been a recurring theme over the last 5 weeks or so - so he shall be called Chap.  

I would say that I didn’t expect it because my heart did not believe Chap could just cut things off. In my heart I believed that if he opened his eyes and removed his screen of distrust, he would see me. And that is exactly what happened. He told me that he looks at me different now; I am everything he looks for. He apologized multiple times for his doubt and distrust and said that I opened my home and my life to him, made him feel a part of something.  He said he is beginning to get past his trust issues and thanked me for that (to which I replied it has nothing to do with me, only he can choose to trust).

We are talking about the future again. We agreed not to hang out with anyone else until we see each other again. There isn’t much reference past the next time we see each other but that is enough for now. I wasn’t ready for it to end, and now it is not over. I think it should be taken week by week, visit by visit and see what is really there. If it is right, we will find a way to fight for it.  At least, that is my opinion.

He is still worried about logistics if he takes a new job. It will mean less potential time together in an already very long distance relationship.  This scares me. I had nightmares last night that he got the new job and he walked away. Although I think the new job makes things a bit more challenging, I am thankful to have something wonderful to figure out.  He says that new job means we stand less of a chance. I say the new job doesn’t change how we feel, and that is what matters right now.

So I’m holding my breathe. Holding it because he has panicked many times already. He takes a step toward me and then freezes. Then opens up and moves a bit closer, then freezes again. And each time he freezes, I panic that this will be the end.  So I’m holding my breathe that the step he has taking toward me will stick. That maybe, against all odds, he will continue to move toward me.  I’m holding my breathe that even if the other job comes through, the way way we feel will win out over and distance-caused challenges.

I can’t imagine what you must be thinking, reading all of this back and forth, back and forth. My head is spinning. It is a lot to process in a short amount of time. I feel like I’m temporarily suspended in an Alice and Wonderful type dream where you aren’t really sure what is what but you are compelled to go on and figure it out.

All I can say is when a tall, dark, handsome English man sweeps you off your feet, tells you everything you have thought someone should say, puts your needs before his, you are compelled to want more, to find a way to have more.

I am literally living in uncertainty between his fears and the implications of the potential new job. And history (and this blog) is a pretty clear indicator that uncertainty makes my anxiety skyrocket and I usually begin to flail around, reaching for any control possible. So I will focus on breathing, patient, peaceful breathes that will ground me in the one thing that is certain: I am enough, just being me.

“Sometimes when I think I'm praying for clarity, I'm really hustling for certainty. It's so hard for me to remember that there's a difference”. - Brene Brown

”You share with the people who have earned the right to hear your story.”

I was watching a segment of Brene Brown’s discussion on vulnerability with Oprah on Super Soul Sunday, and Brene definitely stated,”You share with the people who have earned the right to hear your story.”

This instantly hit home as I’ve been feeling disconnected in my new workplace. I do not have “a person” (as Meredith Grey frequently refers to as Christine Yang). I don’t have someone I can truly confide in about my own concerns, insecurities and anxieties that arise from a new job and the associated challenges. At this point in our lives, it is abundantly clear that the only path to true connection is through vulnerability. As such, I have selectively had conversations where I was vulnerable with a few coworkers that I thought may understand.  These conversations were received with varying levels of validation and empathy but one thing that has not happened is reciprocation. I don’t know if everyone at this company is afraid to be vulnerable or if it is generally taken as a sign of weakness to be vulnerable (aka real) in the workplace.  Either way I’ve been feeling isolated and disconnected.

During the interview, Oprah and Brene remark that if you have one friend who ‘shows up’ for you when you are vulnerable, that is all you need. And if you have 2 or 3 friends who ‘show up’, consider yourself lucky. Well, I must be the luckiest superhero on the planet because I need two hands to count the number of close friends who show up and support me not just when I’m feeling vulnerable but when they are too. True friends that you know will not judge or critique but who show empathy and compassion as we are all trying to ‘grow our gardens’ in a sometimes difficult environment (see earlier post).

I highly recommend checking out a few of Brene Brown’s segments with Oprah - they are chuncked into short bits by topic so you can glean amazing insights without being glued to your computer screen.  If you watch/have watched the interviews, please share any parts that hit home for you!

15 days

Wise Little Buddha has a theory on recovering from a break-up and she calls it “15 days”. 15 days from last contact and you will feel better.  Have perspective, be ready to let go or nearly there.  Why 15 days?  Who knows! But it was worth a test.

Today is Day 13 and already I have an entirely different perspective on things. I’ve quieted the inner gremlin saying that I wasn’t good enough and replaced it with entirely new thoughts that I’m enough.  After spending weeks feeling unworthy, I decided to take the gloves off and fight dirty to get to a place of worthiness. This involved reading books and having many discussions with family, friends, trusted advisors, spiritual leaders and practitioners. Getting many views on how it is that someone comes to own a sense of worthiness.

Each time I wanted to reach out to the Runner out of a sense of nostalgia, I opted not to, for one of two reasons:
1) I already know what happens if I reach out (prolonged hurt/disappointment). I do not know what happens if you chose the other path.
2) He wasn’t reaching out to me. Why would I spend any more of my sparse energy on him when I could put it toward the very valuable task of worthiness, which comes with infinitely higher returns!

At your most vulnerable point (as defined as uncertainty, risk, emotional exposure) you feel the most scared, but as Brene Brown puts it best “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change”.  I focused on the fear of being alone and unworthy.  But at that same vulnerable point, I found the courage to stand up for myself and challenge my gremlins and start down a path that is entirely new.

Originally I thought that The Runner came into my life to show me that “good” was possible. And I did learn that.  But the greater good is that this forced me to take a deep look right into the eyes of my gremlins. To decide, with nothing held back, that I was going to find a way to tame them and to move forward from a place of worthiness.

Am I there yet? Not quite. Am I on the right path? Heck yeah!  

Wonder Woman doesn’t stay down when hit by a blow. She comes back wiser and stronger each time.

Painting a mental picture

I suck at letting go. Perhaps one day I will grow enough that I will be able to let something go because it just “is”, but so far in my life, I have required a mental picture to understand what happened in order to let it go.  I can cognitively say “it’s not a fit” but my heart can’t let go until I understand why.

I fought for a mental picture of my divorce for years, an understanding of why things fell apart in such a sudden and shocking way (though now I see now as sudden and shocking as I first thought). When people said stop asking why and accept it as it is, I agreed and focused on acceptance saying ‘it is what it is’. But as a result of my persistence in understanding, I did end up forming a mental picture of what happened and that has greatly helped my process of healing.

While reading Brene Brown’s “Daring Greatly”, I found this passage that struck like a lightening bolt cutting through the dark fog of the storm:

“When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears – the fears of being abandoned, unworthy and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain – there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making.”

I’m still working to know that I’m ok, even without a detailed explanation of why something.  But I am grateful to have found this little bit of insight that helped me gain clarity and a step further to healing. Not just from The Runner, because let’s face it, this isn’t about him - this is about healing myself. Knowing that I’m ok.

I have been wondering lately, does this sense of okayness come easily and innately to everyone else? Or is this a common struggle among many, but viewed as taboo to admit?  Where is the balance between having the armor of confidence to protect your heart but remaining vulnerable and open to connection and the full experience of life?

Ingredients for Joy and Meaning

As I continue to read “The Gifts of Imperfection”, from Brene Brown, she suggests to make a list of what activities/items you consider to contribute joy and meaning to your life. And then compare it to your to-do list to see if your actual activities align with what you need for joy and meaning.  I am not going to share my to-do list as it probably looks similar to most other mom’s of a 2 year old. However, I thought this would be a good venue to start my ingredients list & I encourage you to share your list or even an item or two that you think may be missing!

- Downtime outside: long walks with Grace and our dog, laying in the hammock together, eating dinner outside, going to the park, etc
- Family adventures: going new places and experiencing new things (both for Grace and I)
- Spending time with loved ones, both family and close friends
- Stimulating work that provides a sense of accomplishment
- Exercise
- Music: playing, listening, spontaneous dance parties with Stella and/or friends
- Going to church
- Helping others

Incongruent living is exhausting - Part 2

It’s worth a deeper dive into the experience with Mr. Nice Guy on Friday evening.  Throughout my probing, personal questions, he shared the story of his divorce and the pain that he ex-wife caused.  I wasn’t asking to be nosy or a gossip; forming a meaningful connection with someone is the only way I know to communicate.  I don’t know how to make small talk to pass the time but I can certainly establish a meaningful connection and talk about living life.

As I continued to read “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown, this passage really stuck out, as the perfect articulation of what happened with Mr. Nice Guy:
“If authenticity is my goal and I keep it real, I never regret it. I might get my feelings hurt, but I rarely feel shame. When acceptance or approval becomes my goal, and it doesn’t work out, that can trigger shame for me: “I’m not good enough.”  If the goal is authenticity and they don’t like me, I’m okay. If the goal is being liked and they don’t like me, I’m in trouble. “

After I asked the personal questions to Mr. Nice Guy, I felt as if I was getting too deep and he may not like that. I started second guessing myself and instead changed into what I thought he wanted to hang out with - back to fun loving, carefree. It’s not that fun loving isn’t a part of me, but authentically, having meaningful discussions is part of who I am as well.  And when the goal was for him to like me, I felt shame about being “too deep” or “thinking too much”, a familiar shame I’ve felt throughout the years.

As the weekend went by and I realized it didn’t matter what he thought, since this is going nowhere (aka not serious), I decided to write him an email with my response to the experiences he shared. Not to make him like me, not to elicit a response. Merely because I had the thoughts in the moment but kept them to myself, too scared to say anything. In changing my goal from being liked to being authentic, I decided that sharing what I learned from my own similar experiences was more important than worrying about being liked. Because that is what I do....who I am....what I am doing with this blog - sharing my experiences, forming a connection to my readers.

Monster for free!

With my newly boy-drama-free time, I’ve been reflecting on the previous post about the guilt I’m carrying around on a daily basis. When I stop to think about it at any given second, I am constantly telling myself where I’m falling short and should do better.  This just won’t do!  Wonder Woman has the word Wonder in her name for a reason! So here begins the battle with my inner monster who has been there since before I can remember. As far as I know, I was born with it. The voice that has told me for years on end that I’m not good enough and not loveable.  I’ve made steps forward with reigning this monster in but after all of this time, all I survived and even thrived through, it seems the appropriate time to put this monster to rest. Easier said that done, as I think many people struggle lifelong to defeat their inner monster, whatever it may be. But I’m tired of mine and would like to put him up for adoption.  “Free Monster, please pick up at curbside”!

I need to get rid of this Monster before I will be able to successfully and smoothly begin dating seriously.  I can blame scars on the ex or past dating experiences but the truth is, the biggest obstacle of all is in me and it needs to go.

Most importantly, this needs to be done for the sake of my daughter. In the preface to her latest book, Brené Brown, Ph.D., a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, said about her research findings, “It was clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don’t have.Where we are on our journey of living and loving with our whole hearts is a much stronger indicator of parenting success than anything we can learn from how-to books.”