Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Painting a mental picture

I suck at letting go. Perhaps one day I will grow enough that I will be able to let something go because it just “is”, but so far in my life, I have required a mental picture to understand what happened in order to let it go.  I can cognitively say “it’s not a fit” but my heart can’t let go until I understand why.

I fought for a mental picture of my divorce for years, an understanding of why things fell apart in such a sudden and shocking way (though now I see now as sudden and shocking as I first thought). When people said stop asking why and accept it as it is, I agreed and focused on acceptance saying ‘it is what it is’. But as a result of my persistence in understanding, I did end up forming a mental picture of what happened and that has greatly helped my process of healing.

While reading Brene Brown’s “Daring Greatly”, I found this passage that struck like a lightening bolt cutting through the dark fog of the storm:

“When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears – the fears of being abandoned, unworthy and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain – there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making.”

I’m still working to know that I’m ok, even without a detailed explanation of why something.  But I am grateful to have found this little bit of insight that helped me gain clarity and a step further to healing. Not just from The Runner, because let’s face it, this isn’t about him - this is about healing myself. Knowing that I’m ok.

I have been wondering lately, does this sense of okayness come easily and innately to everyone else? Or is this a common struggle among many, but viewed as taboo to admit?  Where is the balance between having the armor of confidence to protect your heart but remaining vulnerable and open to connection and the full experience of life?

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