Thursday, January 3, 2013

Letting go - for real!

I texted The Runner last night. (collective sigh of disapproval, I know).  He basically said that he ‘hasn’t forgotten about me’ but feels like he ‘is better off being a recluse than anything else right now’.  And then it hit me - he’s not a fit! Ok, ok, I know this is old news. But until now, I wasn’t just holding on to the person whom I cared for, I was holding onto hope that he would go back to being the person I met. But the truth of it is, the person I met is not capable of sustaining a meaningful relationship right now.  Moreover, that person is not capable of handling attachment to either myself or my daughter.  He’s not a fit!

So I am still sad, because it was nice when we were actually together. But the in between times - I don’t miss feeling like a convenience. Wondering if I like him more than he likes me. Wondering why he doesn’t say any of the niceties that come with new relationships.  I don’t really miss it afterall!  I missed the idea of what it could have been, not what really was.

I lifted the “no contact” restriction and said he can contact me if he wants, and if I’m uncomfortable, I’ll take space. Though at this point, there is nothing left to say to him.  I am hurt that he talked me into going out on the edge of the proverbial limb, while he stayed safely on the ground, far from any risk.  But I’ll get over it.  The resilience of Wonder Woman is one of my most powerful traits.  And I’ll know better next time that if someone isn’t investing equally, they do not get extended chances. Either man up, or step away.

I’ve been beating up on myself for opening up & investing so much in him. Even telling him I missed him after it was over. But it’s nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about - telling someone how you feel. Being honest, being vulnerable, that takes far more courage than playing it safe.  I have always said that post-marriage blow up, I have been living life to it’s fullest. Not missing a moment. And I’m proud of myself for doing so in this situation. But next time, I will not allow someone along for the ride who isn’t an equal!

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