Friday, January 18, 2013

The fine art of resilience

This week has been very productive in gaining perspective. Prospective over feelings and thoughts and recognizing their source and importance...or lack there of!  However, I am STILL waking up with mini panic attacks each morning.

I saw the ever-wise therapist this morning and she suggested that what I have been describing is akin to PTSD and that it fits with the circumstance that everything was taken away so quickly, with no notice. That it literally traumatized me.  She asked if I have flashbacks, moments where the emotion comes back full force. I replied yes, particularly in my house because that is where most of it unfolded. She recommended painting or making some cosmetic changes so the new memories will slowly unseat the old least until I am ready to sell the place and move.

I told her that I’m tired of speaking of myself as the victim.  As I relate parts of my story to others, I feel that I am always saying ‘poor me’, instead of ‘go me!’.  It still feels like a crime has been perpetrated against me, that someone lied and cheated and stole my life.  The wise doctor said that if I googled a checklist on how to be resilient, I would see I’ve done everything on it. I’ve done the most anyone can do each step of the way and have been resilient. I am a survivor, not a victim.  But I’m not quite to where it all clicks - where I can own it. I’m still a step away, I still find everything to be tenuous, uncertain. I’m panicking each morning, anxious that it will all be taken away that day and I will finally break.  

Acceptance of the uncertainty of life is the end goal for most Eastern philosophies.  But wow does the mind fight against it, looking to control whatever can prevent any possible pain. Knowing that in this moment, I am too raw. Too empty. And my life needs to be bubble wrapped, just for a little while so I can heal and refuel.

“I used to have a sign pinned up on my wall that read: 'Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”
Pema Chödrön

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